Category Archives: SPIRITUAL INTEREST

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When Unsettled Feelings Cause Imbalance in You

When it leads to a breakdown

A breakdown can change your life forever. At age thirty-three my body betrayed me. It could no longer handle the pressure I’d been living under nor the emotional drain it caused in me. I couldn’t sleep, my body was tense and became sleep-deprived, so much so that I was afraid to drive and would ask my mother to drive me to town. Eating was difficult, my stomach churned while my skin prickled with nerves. This new me was a vulnerable me. Nervous illness made mothering my three young children a daily challenge, I felt so unwell and sick every moment of every day. Recovery took four years of toughing it out. Information in Hope and Help for Your Nerves helped me with overcoming.

From that point on, I would not handle stress well. Even today the symptoms begin to return when life is pitching obstacles at me. I feel the skin sensitivity, the knot in my stomach, and the inner shakiness. When that happens, I know I am in danger zone and better pay attention. I don’t ever want to fall apart again which means I will have to take action spiritually, physically, and mentally, and sometimes it means I have to make some hard choices.

It all starts somewhere

I don’t like unsettled feelings. There, I said it. Lately, my emotions have been all over the place. I’ve felt nerves in the pit of my stomach. I awaken in the middle of the night and then toss and turn for an hour, or two, or three. A host of worries parade through my mind and seem more grave in the darkness. I get this. I’ve been here before.

I can even name it. It’s apprehension, mostly. The apprehension is caused by uncertainty. Uncertainty feeds indecision. Indecision blasts forth and causes confusion, which breeds frustration. And frustration robs peace. None of that is good. I know myself pretty well by now, and if I let that thing take root it will do a number on me as it has in the past.

How it works

I become tense. My joy disappears. I become worried, and I don’t trust in God like I should. When I awaken in the night and know sleep will refuse to return, I make myself relax. I imagine softness and count the items that bring soft pleasure like cotton, satin, smooth skin. I recite scripture verses. I play mind games. I read a boring book. I go on my IPad and check the fb newsfeed. I count ten good things from the day just ended. I pray.

Worries, though, are hard to chase away. They are stubborn and get their hooks in you. Worries will cause us to fixate on them, the many fears that are real, not mere imaginings. They are bigger than my ability to manage or fix. I am vulnerable to their manipulation. They make me feel powerless. That scary feeling, the helpless feeling, is when I know I am in over my head and can’t manage it without my Heavenly Father.

What to do

Mentally, prayerfully, I begin to hand the worries to God, worry by worry. Then I sort of reboot. I seek God with a renewed fervor. I ask him for help. I ask him for insights. I ask him for direction. I ask him to guide my thoughts and to renew my mind. I ask for joy and peace. I trust him to help me face what is ahead, because he delivers. Without fail, he always does.

But that’s a lot of asking. However, I would rather ask than keep on keeping on and sinking deeper and deeper. When I’m out in left field, I can get back in the game if two things happen. 1. I choose to turn in the right direction. 2. I seek God to help me. Otherwise, I’ll be miserable, and I will be on shakey ground spiritually. Two choices. Quicksand? or the solid Rock?

Last night I felt fear knocking at my door because of a new responsibiliy in my court. In overwhelm, I prayed, “In Christ, please help me. I need your help. I can’t do this without your help. Thank you for the help you will give me and for the many times you have rescued me. I can’t do it without you.” Today was a big day with a significant appointment, but it went okay and the tension headache is gone. Praise God. Thank you, Jesus.

On the other hand

The other side of this coin is about when you feel hijacked by difficult and demanding circumstances. Those times you can’t make it work or get all the pieces to fit the way they should. (Ever had that?) When too many difficult situations, too many responsibilities, too many issues –physical health, emotional health, and relational health– bombard you in a short period of time; when work, finances, family, and other entities are vying for your energy; when your well-being is compromised; when this happens, it’s probably not a spiritual problem, rather, it is real life in the raw and you’re going to get a spiritual tune-up out of it.

You have to wade through the messiness and handle the stress to get to the other side. It may take a little while or a long time. That is when you cling to the Lord to get you through the thing. That’s when trusted friends hold your hand. That’s when Scripture comes alive. That’s when you come to the end of yourself and cling to the Savior… who saves you and lifts you and keeps you and ministers to you. He is life, incredible living, eternal life to you. You need him so much. I need him so much.

Christ delivers. He is the Shepherd and we are the sheep. The Good Shepherd takes care of his sheep and the sheep know his voice. We come to him when we are weary and heavy laden, and he gives us rest. Trust him for this. He is our hiding place. He is our comfort. He is our rest. He is our help in troubled times. He is our ‘Peace be still’ when we are afraid in the raging storm. He’s in the boat with us. Aren’t you glad? Praises!

Christ is able.

Amen.

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Meridian Ministries, the Dream

Ten years ago I thought I was stepping into a new chapter in my life. I hoped to start a ministry to help hurting women in the Christian church. I would call it Meridian Ministries, with a global mindset, to reach the world with God’s message of grace and healing. My willingness to serve God with my heart and soul, my past and present personal experiences, plus the depth of my understanding of the human condition in relationship to the spiritual, were uniquely fitted for leading with a servant’s heart.

I believed God had brought me through the trials for this very reason, to use me to speak life to others in need of it. I wasn’t brave, but I was willing to be broken bread and poured out wine for his purposes. I did not talk about Meridian Ministries, but it was close to my heart.

I sketched a logo  to match the dream and wrote out a purpose statement. I told my pastor and his wife about my desire and asked them if they would pray for me and Meridian Ministries. I then talked to a woman in my church about how to write a business plan. She gave me helpful, practical advice. I prayed and believed.

It was after I opened up about my own story that I felt I could help others with their’s. I had shared my story of pain here and my transforming here with my church family in 2007 and then on my Meridian Woman blog, and lastly, here on this blog. A man in my church had recorded the talks at my request and then I made tapes and CDs to share with others. A friend of mine suggested I send the CDs to the then James Dobson’s Focus on the Family ministry, he thought they might get some traction there. So I wrote a letter and sent them off. Another friend began distributing copies of the CDs to people where he worked as a concierge.

The CDs were well-received and were helping people. He kept reporting back to me about how they were ministering to hurts, and I was amazed. He believed in my story more than I did and wanted me to package them for distribution. Around that time, I began writing my personal story of pain and healing, titled, When It Hurts, and spent two summer vacations (teacher) furiously working on the manuscript every spare minute.

Focus on the Family said they would take a look at my CDs, but that was the last I heard from them. The book coach I went to when the book was finished, said my writing was that of an amateur, and I would be better off to learn the craft of writing before continuing on. She recommended I write a new book instead of trying to fix a book that doesn’t work.

Pop! That took the wind out of my sails: 100 single spaced 8 x 10 pages all for naught. I went home deflated, put the manuscript in a manila envelope and packed it away. I couldn’t face another go ’round. Around that time I went through a romantic break-up that left me unsettled and bereft. One more nail in the coffin. A couple of months later I was sued for custody of my youngest daughter. This would zap my energy, my emotions, and my finances big time. I would fight for her. She was in seventh grade.

I couldn’t see how to get the ministry off the ground, and I didn’t have the partners it would take to help launch a ministry. Over the next few years I would see other women leading the charge and doing quite well with it. I was pleased they could do it, and I was happy that women were being helped, but sad I couldn’t. I had thought God was in it, but maybe not. So I gave up the dream and let it slip away, but the desire to help others, especially the silent suffering women, never left me.

More years have come and gone since then. Now I’m ten years older and the dream seems less likely. I’ve learned and grown some more. It is not what I thought it would be, and I have learned to be okay with that. God is in control. He leads and I follow. He is the needle and I am the thread. It is my desire to speak the words he gives me and none others. Sometimes I long for what isn’t, which is natural given the circumstances.

But this I know, it is God who gives the increase. I am to do what he gives me and to do it to the best of my ability. God helps himself to our lives and then uses them for his glory. He knows our hearts, and he uses the faithful to accomplish his will.

My words for you are these, don’t ever give up, seek God, help others, and smile at life. You may not know the path, and most of us don’t, but God does. You can trust him for the journey. He is ever with you. He loves you beyond your imaginations. Give of your best to the Master, and abide in him always. Love God. Let God’s love flow through you. In Christ, you are able. In Christ, you are freed. In Christ, you are becoming a new creature. In Christ, you can face anything. Old things have passed away, behold, all things are new. God is your sufficiency. He is enough. Take your burdens to the cross and leave them there.

We all have dreams. We all have disappointments. How do we make sense of what happens, when it seems as if God disappoints? Our dreams and desires can be good things, but if they are not of God’s will and purpose for us, though they be good, then we don’t want to do them. One of the best ways you can always fulfill your purpose is to be a light and let it shine. Shine for Jesus. Amen.

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P.S. I have two other dreams, too. I’d like to conduct a prayer summit for women .. a simply structured full day of prayer, with a simple lunch, a prayer walk, group sessions and private prayer sessions, with contemplative silences. The other dream is to have a plot of land with a farm house, a small chapel, a walking path with benches and wood burned scripture sayings, a fire pit to gather around for Friday night singing and to facilitate interactive spiritual discussions with contemplative thoughts, with one rule, you can’t argue scripture. I love mind enriching discourse. A simple communal meal is communally prepared. The place would be for rejuvenation and spiritual renewal similar to The Lord’s Land on the coast.

P.S.S. The blog photo was taken in 2010 on the very last day of court proceedings regarding custody of my daughter.