There are times when God has a job for me to do, and I know it is going to be a hard one that I’d rather not do. It starts with a thought that comes to me again and again. An event will happen that forces it to the forefront–and then I know it is time to act and follow through. At that point, I am given a choice. I can embrace what is ahead of me and do the thing, or I can retreat, ignore, or run away from doing it. A serious case of doubt will accompany it, which I have to work through.
It happened to me last week.
A precipitatory event happened. I knew it was time. The expectation formulated. Scripture and devotionals documented the same theme. (God confirms His messages in multiple ways.) I read the book of Ecclesiastes in one sitting as I looked for wisdom to speak to me. And it did. In a notepad I recorded my thoughts in list form. I prayed often and openly. I asked God for direction. I sat in my church’s sanctuary, alone, seeking God, praying for His direction, His words, His understanding. Praying over my list.
And I knew Satan would hound me.
Satan does this whenever you’re serious about stepping out for God. I’ve come to expect it, and know the attack will come without fail. He causes doubt, confusion, and tries to derail the effort. And there was more to consider.
Spiritual assignments done God’s way means that my way must be moved out of the way.
The night before via text messages, I asked four friends–some close to the situation and some not–and my sister to pray for me but not to share the prayer request with others. I gave little information. Wise counsel was given me from two of them. Later, one told me she got on her knees and cried out to God on my behalf in a way she has never done before, weeping the whole time. God hears the cries of His children, and He heard her heartfelt pleas.
I prayed my list, item by item, asking God to show me, yes or no.
But even after hours of seeking, my heart was still not at peace. Doubts surfaced. I didn’t want this task because I was fearful I’d get in the way of it being God’s way. For hours, late into the night, my heart pled with God to show me if what I had prepared was truly what He wanted me to do. I asked Him to stop me from saying anything that was not of Him, for Him to blank my mind. In my own strength I couldn’t do it–I would fail. Pain inhibits us, and I was feeling emotional pain and the hopelessness of the situation.
Tears had been close to the surface for a week.
Memories were surfacing: the time I stood alone in a staff meeting to address an issue that was an unpopular one, that I knew wouldn’t be accepted or liked; the time I shared my testimony in church as I bared my soul, not sure how it would be received or embraced; the time I was in a court-appointed child custody mediation session, where I was intimidated and had to voice that which was in conflict with my peace-maker heart. But this time it was different, and I’d never faced this kind of situation before.
David facing Goliath came to mind.
Shepherd boy David faced a real, living giant. The man was tall, threatening, vulgar; but David knew what giant Goliath didn’t know. God gives the victory. This young man knew another amazing truth, that “the battle belongs to the Lord.” David knew it wasn’t up to him to overtake the giant Philistine who despised him and mocked his people. His God was big enough, and David’s faith was big enough to believe this. “You come with a spear and a sword, but I come in the name of the Lord.” What David did is what you and I do. It is our job to be fully centered in the knowing of this and in the knowing of the holy One who is our strength and our shield.
These words reassured me.
This was God’s deal, not mine, even though it had been troubling me for months. I then proceeded to complete the task God had impressed me to do, asking Him to open an opportunity and prepare receptive hearts. Right in the middle of it Satan attacked me physically, my legs went weak and my throat went dry. He is good at things like that (the last time I spoke at a conference workshop, I became nauseous, the old trickster). God helped me. I sensed His peace and calm and was able to do the hard thing. The Holy Spirit enabled me. And Christ was the message in the middle of it. I left the place physically weary and emotionally spent but with peace and relief that it was done.
To God be the glory.
Sorry I am not at liberty to disclose the particulars nor the outcome to this situation.
