Forgiveness comes when a right attitude toward the offense is present and we want to put it behind us. Saying the words I forgive you may mean little. It all depends. Are they insincere or heart-felt, meant to appease or meant as truth, are they false words or true words? True forgiveness has everything to do with the heart’s motivation, the mind’s attitude and the soul’s condition. Unfair, unkind, and unloving treatment from others is quite difficult to release, let alone, to forgive. Your mind has to work itself around the thought. Your heart is soon to follow.
Harbored bitterness and resentments form a catalyst. They create unhealthy bonds to that person or said event where one was wronged. These wounds result in an inability to live free. Unforgiveness is like being in bondage and never free from its damage. If there was abuse or mistreatment of some kind, it is extra hard to forgive the offender because the damage goes deep. A person might feel like they are letting the abuser off the hook by forgiving them. Actually, the person who benefits the most is the person who forgives. The other person may have no regrets.
With the act of forgiveness, it is yourself you must deal with because you own your own feelings, not their feelings. The body can begin to heal once the offender and offense have been released through forgiveness. What also leaves is the desire to avenge yourself, and the anger that has darkened your own soul. It is by confronting, letting go, and then giving it to God that one finds the capacity to release the hold that revenge, bitterness and hatred have harbored in you.
Is it easy to forgive? Not at all. Is it possible? Yes. It may take a long time of concentrated effort and prayer. Forgiveness is often accomplished by layers and layers of letting go; every time the thought returns you give it to God, again. I’d like to say you can always forgive. Quite honestly, I don’t know if it is. But I do know it should always be desired. An attitude of forgiveness is the first milestone that must be met. Sometimes it will be accomplished in one prayerful exchange. Our attitude is key and our level of trust in God makes a difference. Yet it is a hard thing and simple solutions are meaningless. Forgiving is not a formula-driven enterprise.
My experience with forgiveness involves two areas. First, I must possess a willingness to surrender the offense. Second, I must willingly offer mercy to the other person(s). I, like you, didn’t think the other person deserved my forgiveness–they hurt me, right?–like the people who crucified Jesus didn’t deserve His forgiveness. Remember Christ’s words? “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Mercy is greatly enabled through God’s mercy. It is difficult to forgive without His help. When we have pockets of resentments, it helps to recognize where unforgiveness, ungratefulness, and bitterness reside in us.
Most of us have a few poor behaviors of our own making. What can we do about these? There is a need for us to ask God to reveal the truth about our own behaviors, whether or not they have hurt others. One must forgive the offender for their offense, but one must also acknowledge their own offenses, their acts of unkindness and areas where they have withheld acceptance, approval or support. God uses His mirror to reflect His image and to reveal our hearts. Sorrow for pain we have caused to others is a step towards our own healing. There is no room for pride or superiority.
“Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret.” 2 Corinthians 7:10
I was in a world of pain after my marriage disintegrated when my husband left me and our family. It was easy to cast blame, but I was blind to my own actions. Through quiet times with God where I sought Him for healing and change in my life, He began to reveal my own not-so-nice stuff with His mirror of truth. I became aware of my areas of weakness and my bent towards self-protection for what they were, and my lack of appropriate responses for what they were.
My actions weren’t terrible things or horrible behaviors but they had caused hurt. It was as if God was bringing to the forefront the ways I had, albeit unknowingly, caused pain to my family. This knowledge unleashed a deep sorrow within me. I began remembering those times I did not speak words of appreciation for gifts or deeds, thoughts which caused tears to flow. I knew that I must speak words of apology and seek forgiveness, and I did. A rich cleansing took place as godly sorrow which leads to repentance purified my inner person. It changed me. An amazing peace entered. I was free.
God continues to reveal areas in which I need to forgive. It is never easy. I can be quite blind to my resentments. There isn’t a pat formula for forgiving. It is very individual. It takes time to work things through until you can get there. The ability to forgive is a spiritual act of mercy, which blends grace and goodness and a heart that wishes for it.
God’s love compels us to do the right thing, whether it is the offering of a prayer of forgiveness or it is going to someone and saying the words. It may be us asking someone to forgive our temper or unkind comment. Staying close to God is a motivator. We are unable to remain free-flowing in our walk with God when there is something blocking His and our communion with each other. A darkness or lack of closeness with God is an indicator that there is a problem. When it seems that way, I suggest the following. Ask God if there is something that has caused a wedge between you and Him. Then actively wait for Him to reveal the thing. He may take you back to an event or action from months or years ago. Then act upon it.
I will give you an example.
Back in 2008 I noticed an almost imperceptible change in my relationship with people in my church. I also became aware that my walk with God was less lively. I talked to one of the deacons in the church when we were at an event. It was an outdoor BBQ that day and I had just sat down after singing with the worship team. I told him that there seemed to be some distance between me and others that hadn’t been there in the past. With a tender look, he spoke to the issue and was able to tell me what he thought may have caused it. He said that i was so excited about my spiritual life that it looked like I’d arrived spiritually and the rest of them hadn’t.
I responded that the changes in me were real, that God had done them, not me, and the excitement on my part was because of the newfound joy I was experiencing, which was true. I said I wanted everyone to experience it, and I never wanted to seem like I was better than others.
But it made me think.
It was about perceptions. He was apologetic for telling me, but I appreciated his honesty. That week I prayed for God to reveal to me specifically whom I had offended. Three people came to mind, one being my eldest daughter. I wrote letters to all three. Should you do this, I suggest you follow His leading and not your own impulses.
Dear Father God, You are so good to us. You redeem the past to set us free.
Only one of my five is married and she is in the middle of it with teaching her kids and taking care of her family and two dogs. She’s a fantastic (exotic) cook, too! Her husband is a military man, and he’s the best! Then my sons. One is just out of the navy. One is in the tech field and one works as a truck driver for a trash company. All are hard workers and I’m pleased with their efforts to make their own way. My youngest is in college and works at a job in the video game field. When she and I visit a restaurant, park, or store in town, people come up to her and ask her questions. They recognize her and usually want some advice on this game or that. She seems to be noticed wherever we go. It’s quite the experience for me to see my youngest make her mark in the world.