Open The Gate
Yesterday at Cafe Coda, I am visiting with my friend sharing life. She is telling me about a life-changing event in her life. I have a few things I would like to say, but I remain silent, listening to her. I listen intently while she talks. It is the third time we have met in less than a month. I am observing positive changes in her life as she chooses to move forward, but it is hard-won at that. I offer a few comments but nothing substantial. It is my desire to be a good friend to her as best I can. But I do understand the pit she is mired in. Anyone who has fought hard to win your own sanity and to find your own self will identify with someone else going through it.
I share a picture with her about how I see life as a series of gates. You become aware of an area of needed growth (the gate), then it becomes your choice whether to open the gate, to remain where you are at, or to back-track to where you’ve been before. What is on the other side will change you, that, you know in advance, but you don’t know exactly how and in what way until you enter the enclosure on the other side of the gate. You don’t know what you don’t know. She nods in agreement and then shares a gate she recently opened that is sustaining her right now, giving her grace during this time of great need.
Remember the song “Going on a Bear Hunt“? You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it. You gotta go through it!
That is how it is with real life troubles. You have to go through them. After you get through the crisis, then you are able to look back and see where you have grown as a person. My friend is slogging through the mud (shlup, shlup) as she goes through it. I know she will make it and become more beautiful for having gone through it.
“Thoughts” and “Feelings” about each event in our life come from two different perspectives. How we may feel about something can be quite different from an outside view of the same event. A well-balanced life will have a healthy separation in these two areas. When we unmask the feelings, we are then able to find the thoughts. These are the truths at work in our lives. I have incorporated some realistic behaviors to keep myself from derailing and to avoid areas that may cause a downward spiral in my thinking or actions, those areas that will later surface in some form of discontent, bitterness, or wrong thinking. These same tools help me become a better person in all of my personal relationships and also in my public life, even in the grocery line like those times when I feel irritated by the wait but choose to visit with the person standing next to me. Here are some ways I choose to live that help me remain positive and healthy.
TOOLS FOR LIVING LIFE TO THE BETTER GOOD
- Name 10 positives right before you go to sleep that happened to you during the day (even something as simple as eating a fresh tomato from the garden like I just did).
- Extend spontaneous grace through word and deed to others. Acting with grace changes one’s attitude from annoyance or irritation to one of unselfish goodness.
- Become a cheerful giver in all areas of life. Quit being stingy or a hoarder of your blessings. Give of your time, talent, and resources for the better good of others.
- Speak words of affirmation by affirming others in ways that validate who they are and what they do. It must be sincere, devoid of false praise. People are fragile.
- Strive to be content in all things by being thankful for life’s blessings, be they small or big. Avoid phrases that begin with these two baddies, “I wish” and “If only.” They quickly derail a positive attitude and often cause discontent or a bitter spirit.
- Incorporate the three “Bs” in your actions and attitudes: Be kind, Be helpful, Be courteous. These pay off.
- Stand up for yourself. This is a form of self-respect. State the fact as you see it, say what you need to say without emotion, condemning attitude, or anger. Then stop. This avoids the other person needing to defend their position to save face. It also protects the person who will de-self (give-in) at the mercy of the other person’s over-bearing control. Also, avoid “you” statements that put the recipient on the defensive by having to protect themselves or by arguing back. “You always . . .” “You never. . .” (This was a habit I did without realizing it. It was a hard one to stop)
- Look for “best interest” for everyone involved in the issue at hand when making difficult decisions that affect you and other people, organizations or churches.
- Allow for differing opinions, differing viewpoints, differing values, and for people to fail. People will fail us. This means, you can care about people who are not like you. Do not withhold grace and acceptance because of your disappointment with someone’s actions, behaviors or even beliefs. Avoid the desire to chide, shame, blame or attack. Always, be the bigger person. Always, transmit worth and value to other people. They desperately need it just like you do.
- Be true to yourself and your own values. Don’t apologize for that which you hold dear. Learn to be gracious to others who have a different set of values, and avoid reacting to their beliefs. Be civil to those with whom you openly disagree (civil discourse) and choose to disagree agreeably. It can be as simple as saying “This is the way I feel about . . . ” “This is my perspective on . . . .” “This is the what I believe and why . . . .”
Being differentiated means we can spot what is “our stuff” and also recognize what is “their stuff” when an issue arises. Realizing that someone is speaking out of their own stuff will help us not take it on as true or a slight. For instance, if they frequently say “Why don’t you ever do anything right?” most likely that is a phrase that originates from something in their past that they were told during their formative years. Adults often brand children with negative concepts. It is up to us to remove negative messages’ hold on us and then formulate a new and better track of thinking that we can access when we are frustrated. You begin by playing a new tape in your mind. You tell your mind what to think and then you set out to practice it. Instead of thinking “Boy, I’m stupid” because someone made us feel stupid, you change it up. “I am not stupid. I am capable and intelligent. I can think for myself. I don’t have to react to their perception of me.” You let the rest roll off because it’s not your stuff, it’s theirs. Then we can calmly think or say, “Please do not talk to me in that way, it makes me feel demeaned.” You put them on notice that you have self respect and expect to be treated with respect.
MORE TOOLS FOR LIVING LIFE TO THE BETTER GOOD
- We are responsible for our own happiness, and we don’t need other people to be the source of our happiness.
- Own our own stuff and don’t own other people’s stuff.
- Play a new tape in our thinking and remove the old negative messages.
- Exhibit self-respect, then people will be more inclined to treat us with respect.
To be the people we should be, we need to be healthy in our relationships which means we should learn how to become gracious and courteous in our interactions with others. When we become defensive, it often means something the other person has done or said triggered in us something that we have not dealt with yet, that makes us feel small or “less than.” How did that make me feel? Is it true? No, it’s not true. Okay, it’s their stuff..or.. Yes, it’s true. I guess I better work on that one. What can I do to improve in this area?. . . A healthy attitude about ourselves plus a focus on the other person will make it easier to mentally dismantle their negative comments, attacks or disrespectful insinuations.
Civility is putting on a healthy behavior and letting go of the unhealthy behaviors. I think most of us are insecure in some way, but we can remove our “false image” by not needing the projected image any longer. People will be drawn to our inner strength because it offers grace to them. It is a joy to watch people who have learned to incorporate genuine caring and healthy exchange as part of their daily interactions with others.
Open the gates in your life that need opening.
