N. L. Brumbaugh, A Transformed Life

I have come to realize that my inner sorrow originated from areas of hurt and loss that had never been properly grieved. Most every hurt has some sort of loss associated with it. These compile over time. We try to insulate ourselves from more loss and remembering past loss. But it doesn’t work so well because we are emotional beings, believe it or not, even for those whom seem not to care.

A SPIRITUAL INTERVENTION

The danger came when I failed to see the issue for what it was and failed to deal with its inner truth. I just kept on going, never missing a step. We all have different stories. Negative experiences vary in intensity from slight to moderate to severe. Some people get stuck for years by a word curse said to them by someone who was thoughtless. There are many of them: I don’t love you. No one could ever love you. I’m leaving and don’t try to stop me. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.

Then there’s the type that demeans a person’s core worth, sense of value, and self-perception. Why’d you do that? You’re so stupid! Can’t you ever do anything right? I knew you’d mess it up. These are words that translate into heart language, a message to your inner person that tells you that you are faulty, that you really don’t matter, in-fact, you never did matter all that much.

Then there are those comments slung so carelessly but hit the intended mark. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re a failed abortion (I overheard this one). At some point when repeated often or taken to heart, the messages are internalized and become part of a subconscious system that believes a painful untruth about self, that there really is something wrong with us, something that can’t be fixed.

I have heard the stories first-hand. I find them hard to listen to because they are demeaning, hurtful, sad.

There was the woman married to a religious man who was a tyrant at home; a man who demeaned their children and her in cruel ways; the teenage daughter who was slapped by her pastor-dad for dishonoring the church’s conservative standard of dress; the person who was cheated on and then abandoned by their mate (many of these); the woman who was forced to have an abortion out of fear in response to manipulative threats by her partner (many of these); the man whose girlfriend had an abortion anyways even after he had begged her to let him raise the child; the person who was molested, raped, beaten, neglected, or abused; the child who was abandoned, unwanted, and denied basic care; the child who became part of the foster care system; the person who was molested by a professing Christian, church member, youth leader, or minister (quite a few of these); the child, now an adult, who has memories like silent stabs etched in their mind.

The list is long in length. There are many, many forms of mistreatment and neglect that have contributed to these dark secrets and deep wounds that continue to fester even when they are buried or ignored; memories buried below acts of self-gratifying and self-medicating forms of denial, addictions and pleasures that hide or push away the pain in an effort to pretend that it doesn’t even exist.

On the other side of the equation, there is also the pain that we have inflicted on others. Those things we have done that we shouldn’t have done. Self-condemnation adds to the presence of pain—a result of areas of wrong one has done that have hurt others and self. These, as well, cause suffering in the person. The thing is, spiritually speaking, these internal messages don’t just miraculously dissipate at the point of belief in God and His salvation. Their messages, like an unwritten code, leave impressions on psyches and lasting imprints on hearts. One cannot just pretend they don’t exist or push them aside.

And that’s the real problem. We will do something with them. We will find a way to cope. It is in our coping mechanism that we have blinded our hearts and minds to our heart and soul’s true state. These have also contributed to our dark hidden places. Sins and self-gratifying behaviors are often forms of bondage that act like a Band-Aid to cover the wound. Hurting people do whatever they have to do to ignore or bury the pain, to minimize or neutralize its hold on them.

The Band-Aid never healed anything.

God’s remedy, His spiritual intervention, brings about the healing. If only people knew this to be true, what a difference it could make in their lives.

The problem with hidden pain is that it affects us.

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Now we’re getting to the important stuff, God’s remedy, His answer to our pockets of emotional pain. Keep reading …

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©N. L. Brumbaugh

Have you ever felt that kind of aloneness, that separation, that suffocating feeling?

A SPIRITUAL INTERVENTION

Do you know Christian people who sometimes feel this way? Is it you? Someone in your family? I have at times. Many do. Men and women, in confidence, have opened up with me about their losses and areas of pain. Almost everything in some way is related to a loss. The hidden things come out in private conversations: the molestations, abortions, rapes, depression, alcoholism, addictions, loneliness, discouragement, betrayals, abandonments, criticisms, exclusion, bullying; disappointments, discouragements, financial reversals, broken relationships, health concerns and so forth.

People want to walk free but they are trapped in a cycle of inner bondage. The bondage is outworking in symptoms of painful thinking and difficult-to-suppress emotions, problems they wish to eliminate. If only I knew how, they think to themselves. I used to wonder at this in my despondent moments. What do wounded people think in their quietest moments (they usually avoid quiet moments)? How can I get rid of the pain? Medical intervention? Mood stabilizers?

What can I do with my inner suffering? Those areas of scarring; my unhealed hurts, my unmet needs, my unresolved issues? The wounding can own us if we’ve never sought to deal with its presence in a spiritually healthy way, one where God can remediate its pain and heal its hurt.

The answer to the question? There is a way.

The solution takes time and a genuine desire for change. This is something that will need to be pursued and will need to be acted upon. It isn’t a magic cure-all. It is as simple as it is profound. The way out, the solution, can only be found in God. What we find in Him isn’t trite; it isn’t temporary or fleeting. It is true and complete. God can be found. He can heal the hurt.

We can live differently. It is possible to deal with residual internal hurt, pain and isolation.

For twenty-one years my life was imprisoned in pain, a pain others could not see. I, myself, was also blind to it. I didn’t recognize it for what it was because I was an over-achiever and a good moral person. I believed I was doing alright spiritually. Yet, my understanding of self was clouded. My inner pain, a result of my own insecurities and other occurrences which negatively impacted me, was invisible to others and also invisible to me. I wore my mask well, so well that I didn’t know it was a mask. I was a nice person, a sincere Christian. I loved God. I served God. I was obedient to God. I didn’t run or avoid. I tried not to blame.

Everything looked good from the outside. Mostly it was good. Yet, there were times when I cried alone during those unsettling moments when I couldn’t shut it out, those times when I sat against a tree trunk in the orchard away from my children where no-one could see me remove my mask. It was the place where raw-emotions came to the surface after an element of indifference toward me caused me to feel like a nothing, an unwanted person. Eventually the emotion would spend itself.

I would ask God to help me. My composure would regain, strengthen, and then I would return to my family. I was a strong woman who didn’t let it show. That was a help to me and kept me functioning. I was determined to be an unwavering person of faith and positive in my parenting and church involvement. The hidden suffering inside of me was a constant companion that I did not understand and could not shake, but it didn’t show.

Frankly, I didn’t know that the problem was the presence of pain since I had borne it for a long time.

I could not shake its deadening effect. It was like a cloak draping my soul in sadness. I became accustomed to keeping a stiff upper lip. I did my best. I worked hard. I was sincere, thoughtful, kind, and not given to anger or self-centered behaviors. God was my support and dear friend. He was wonderful to me and I give Him the credit for sustaining me. But something was in there, and I struggled. Only God knew the ache in my heart, the wounds from which the hurt originated that would bleed time and time again caused by those painful experiences in my past that I would not share with others, not even my closest friends.

Some people would have talked about it or at least vented their frustrations. I didn’t. I was private and wanted to protect and honor my family. I believed it was best, and still believe one should always exercise caution. There is a right time and place for everything. The truth is, my emotions had been damaged by rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. I also had a bad case of devaluing my own self-worth which in-part, stemmed from internalized lies I believed as true; and some of these were self-induced. My walk with God was strong. I trusted in His help and relied on His strength. That is why it didn’t make sense to me that I had a constant companion of sadness that walked with me everywhere day in and day out.

I have come to realize that my inner pain was a form of sorrow. I was grieving the residual effects which stemmed from areas of hurt and loss which I had never adequately acknowledged nor properly grieved. I had been ill-treated and devalued by some personal incidents in my past. Those caused an emotional wounding and shot down my sense of self-worth. I had believed the lies that my emotions had internalized and had no idea how to deal with their aftermath.

Even though I had a strong walk with God, these negative messages were still affecting me.

I was in need of a spiritual intervention. I was in need of God meeting me, confronting the issues, and offering a healing remedy where there was an internalized presence of pain.

Painful emotions cause a silent prison.

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More on this and how I confronted my inner pain in the following post.

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