Conversations with Emily (6)

The girl tells me she’s in the book, she is an unwed mother, and she is raising her son as a single parent. Emily’s response to my advice? “I’m scared. Scared to make any list. Scared to ask for help. Scared to go to God. Scared to be alone right now through this. Just plain scared.”

Pastor’s Daughter, Unwed and Pregnant

September 24, 20**

9/24, 3:31am
Emily:
So…I’m the Emily in ch 2 & 6
The pregnancy I speak about in 6 is my son

9/24, 5:52am
Me:
Okay. Is it okay having your story out there? From an author’s perspective, I’d like to know how you are with that. My kids are quite uncomfortable with me mentioning our story or writing about them even though I don’t use their names. So it makes me rethink everything and I don’t write some things that I wish I could.

Are you a single parent? Have you found deep healing for the painful experiences (and demons) in your past? Have you been facing rejection? How can I help? Tell me anything you want. Don’t worry about me judging. I don’t do that anymore.

9/24, 6:29am
Emily:
My son and I live and breathe ministry. Gods asked me to live authentically so others could see Him thru me. All of my life I’ve run from that calling. I’ve pretended and hid and stuffed. But then God sent me my son “Isaac.” When I share testimony I share that first God saved me by sending His son to die on the cross for my sins and raised Him up so I would be forgiven and live with Him for eternity. Then God sent my son to save me from myself.

I couldn’t eat for myself when I got got pregnant but I could eat for the living being growing inside me. I never dreamt of being a mother. I didn’t think I had a nurturing cell in me. But then God gave me Isaac. Isaac taught me how to love and to live and to not just let life pass u by but to experience life for the first time. Isaac was born blind and hearing loss was diagnosed in kindergarten. Experiencing the world around us is always an adventure.

9/24, 6:34am
Emily:
I think I walked thru the first two yrs of his life in a blackout. It took a few yrs putting months together and relapsing in drugs or alcohol and finally stuck almost 9 yrs ago. I’ve questioned God often, why me? Why, my voice? What I’ve found is that people just need someone with the courage to start the tough conversations and they follow and find healing.

9/24, 6:39am
Me:
Wow, Emily. Authenticity. Very hard to be. Sweet Isaac. God rescued you. Praises!!!

9/24, 6:40am
Emily:
Tell me about it!
I am a single parent. I do think twice about sharing anything bout my son. I run things past him at times and he has said no to a few and I respect that.

9/24, 6:42am
Me:
I am making breakfast for my daughter. Be back soon.

9/24, 6:43am
Emily:
I’ve found much healing in recent yrs but about a yr ago God began bringing me deeper and I began running harder. I’m at a place where I need to stop running or I’m gonna lose the battle I’m fighting with myself.

Suppose I should be praying for a breakthrough. Instead I find I’m just mad. Maybe it’s my stubbornness or maybe it’s all part of the process. Or maybe a lil of both.

9/24, 6:50am
Emily:
I’m not sure if I’d call what I’m facing rejection really. But it is something. A yr ago the church I talk about in ch 2 that has been my source of healing thru some pretty tough stuff, went through an awful split. My track record is to run so we stuck around for a while. But in May I felt God release us from the ministry there. I’d hoped to have found a new home by now but that’s not the case and for the two of us who live and breathe ministry it’s a bit like fish outta water.

The split brought up a ton of my past hurts having been sexually abused in a church body as a young girl. The mistrust and hurt from childhood got intertwined with the present happenings and it was a tough 9 months that we stuck around. Yes, there is more to heal. No, I can’t do it at that church or the one that split off.

9/24, 6:55am
Emily:
Girl, what u can do for me is encourage and validate. I’m feeling VERY alone! People who have said they wanted to talk about our leaving have never called. Those who once were around to speak into my life have left.

If I’m gonna be able to do the work God is asking of me…dig deep into the healing He already has for me I need a support system speaking louder than the lies. As much as I wanna push everyone outta my life I need people more than ever right now. I’m sorry for being such a bear yesterday. You have my permission to slap me outta it next time.

9/24, 8:12am
Me:
I coming to thinking that healing is an on-going process. We deal with what we have and then more comes. That’s sad about the church you were in. Good for you for staying around as long as you could. All I can think in response to what you say, is that God is taking you a new direction and maybe just sitting you on the sidelines to accomplish something else in your life. He often does that. He takes us to a place of silence and we become intent listeners.

I’m glad you have experienced healing. That makes me smile. As far as our communication, I think it is hard to know how much or little to say. I don’t want to preach at you nor do nothing. Most of all, I just want to pray with you, come along side you, and give you a couple of things to think about once in awhile. It has always meant a lot to me to have praying friends. We need to pray up a church family.

9/24, 8:47am
Me:
Emily, what you need is a crucifixion experience, and I mean this. Real living in the fullness and peace of God, happens when you give up, give it all to Him, surrender your wants, wishes, and dreams at the cross, and grab onto Him as enough. HE WILL MEET YOU THERE. I promise. All this pain is to take you to that place where you give up and say, “all I want is You.” It will free you.

You are the only one who can do this for yourself. How? I can’t say, except to beg Him to help you, and to sincerely mean it. You can’t hold anything back. For me, it wasn’t that way exactly. I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I wanted God to change and heal in my life. (I was 46) And then I told Him that I couldn’t do it, He would have to, I was done trying and striving. No one tried harder than I had to be the perfect little Christian, but it was never enough. After my list was written, I prayed and cried. Change in me came, slow but freeing, a purifying of my inner person took place. I have never been the same. Tears come into my eyes as I write this. I’m so thankful.

9/24, 9:37am
Emily:
It’s bringing tears to my eyes just thinking bout it

9/24, 10:33am
Me:
What is truly amazing is that every single item on my list has been changed or healed.

9/24, 10:34am
Emily:
I’m scared
Scared to make any list
Scared to ask for help
Scared to go to God
Scared to be alone right now thru this
Just plain scared

9/24, 12:15pm
Emily:
Add, scared I’m going crazy!

9/24, 12:25pm
Emily:
Would u please pray? Sitting at work and co-worker just walked in but I felt someone tap my shoulder. I asked what he wanted and he didn’t know what I was talking bout. He’s not one who would prank like that…at least with me. Talked to him bout it and he verified he didn’t see anyone.

Am I seriously going crazy? Right now I’m panicking and anxiety has gone thru the roof. Having to remind myself I’m not out on that cold dark street in the middle of Dec, laying in the street with my clothes 1/2 off. Is this what crazy feels like?

9/24, 12:41pm
Me:
Dear Emily, I had something weird too, happened at 5:30 a.m. My alarm went off , one beep..not usual, it’s usually three beeps, I started to get up and then I looked at the clock. It was an hour before 6:30 the time it was set for. Well, I lay back in bed and tried to sleep, but was wide awake. I asked God if He wanted me to pray. “yes.” I go in the living room and there’s my Ipad. I read your message and respond, then start praying FOR YOU. Then I get a little sleepy and fall back asleep there on the couch.

God has your name today. Don’t be scared. It’s fruitless. Could be the Enemy’s whispers. Claim “When I am afraid I will trust in God.” Chase Satan away by quoting the Word. He has no power when you claim truth. Next, ask God to help you trust. Do it in HIS strength. When you are weak, HE becomes strong. He waits to be invited. YOU will make it. I see victory in your future. There will be a watershed moment. I’m praying for it. Great will be the release.

Remember, you are not alone. You aren’t. That is also the lie Elijah believed. You just feel alone. We will pray this one through. Be brave in HIS strength. It’s possible. “I can’t do it, but You can.” Say it to God. (Now I’m preaching!)

9/24, 1:14pm
Me:
God has not abandoned you, He is waiting until you are ready. We think we’re waiting for Him, when in reality, He is waiting for us. (most times) (if this truly a spiritual battle, not depression or a medical condition)

9/24, 1:39pm
Emily:
ya…i know He’s waiting on me…

9/24, 3:20pm
Me:
You okay?

9/24, 3:31pm
Emily:
Waiting in line at a funeral visitation
So, as okay as one can b there

9/24, 3:39pm
Me:
K. Just making sure.

9/24, 7:40pm
Emily:
ty

9/24, 8:42pm
Emily:
I’ve had a sinus headache all day…would u pray my head will stop pounding long enough for me to fall asleep and that if any throbbing is going to occur that it not wake me

9/24, 9:06pm
Me:
Sure. GN

JUST PLAIN SCARED

Emily’s words sounded frightened and vulnerable. Here I was trying to open the door, but was she ready to hear what little advice I could give? Time would tell.

Emily is opening up. Now I understand some of what has brought her pain. It’s not easy to be an unwed single mother, especially in the church. She has inner strength that comes through despite the chaos that emotions are causing her.

The conversation continues.

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LINKS

>next post:  Scared and in emotional pain:  Conversations with Emily (7)

<previous post:  It doesn’t matter anymore:  Conversations with Emily (5)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

__________

I welcome your comments. Thank you.

Authenticity and God (Going Deeper with God, Part 9)

Intentional God-Focused Living

By looking from the outside in, we can see there is a redemptive cycle at work. This plays out in many of the daily experiences that happen in our lives. There are opportunities and times when God’s love triumphs over loss, where His peace transforms the things of earth into beauties of heaven, when a broken heart mends, and when renewal is accessed through living hope.

PREMISE: God has made us for relationship

GOING DEEPER WITH GOD, LESSON 9

Even in nature we find our minds lift to see the order of life with its ceaseless cycles as part of God’s plan for redeeming all life for His glory. A redemptive scenario is at work every time we know of a tragedy to triumph occurrence. We can find it in the fire of destruction when we witness the mountainsides burning with forest fires, and then a year later we observe that these same hillsides sport new growth with the freshness of renewal. It is God at work within the natural renewal cycle. Death gives over to new life.

QUESTION 1. What stops Christians from wanting relationship with God?

*Answer the question before you continue on.

LIFE IS A REDEMPTIVE STORY

The first step through this door and into an intimate walk with God is to view God with new eyes. God is the Joy-giver, the Healer of our hurts and diseases, and the Re-newer of our minds. But to authenticate this message takes something remarkable and unusual, and speaks of a focused and rejuvenating desire for God. It’s not business as usual. We must experience God in a new way. Resolve is necessary. The empty feeling and our ‘going through the motions’ limited spirituality, needs to be replaced by the presence of God Himself . . .  as we choose to become centered in Him.

In a sense, we will exchange our past spiritual experiences with a new ‘drawing toward God’ experience, and I am not speaking about a surface belief in God. It is heart knowledge in combination with faith and belief in God, for in the heart we find our desires. I believe that for anyone to know God with a growing sense of intimacy, they must first experience God at work in their lives. God must become real to them.

God desires for us to seek Him with hearts full of longing. In return, God can and will satisfy our deepest longings and fill our inner need for belonging. Check out Deuteronomy 4:31 for validation.

The ‘how to’ to open the door and follow God in such a way is to allow ourselves to become vulnerable. We have to let go of self (our box) and trust God to take care of us as we look in the mirror and see the state of our souls and determine to make the necessary changes as we seek to ponder the hidden depths that we quite naturally fear to scrutinize. To do so involves dealing with pain that is in us and whatever is locked tightly away in our memories. It requires renewal of our minds through God’s loving touch.

God is the Great Physician who understands us more than we do ourselves. He helps us see our faulty belief system and our inner hurts, woes, stumbling blocks, areas of bondage and self-protection. Through God’s wise and skillful sword of the Spirit, He penetrates through our layers and barriers to reach us in our place of need (often hidden from view). It may take a broken heart to get our attention sufficiently. In the transition we will transform, morph, from “me” centered, to “God” centered.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken spirit and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10.

There are many scriptures that confirm a need for brokenness and humility before God. I am not sure it is possible to experience God in this way until we have yielded ourselves in brokenness and humility before Him as we humble ourselves and see our own depraved thinking and self-stuff. As a result, we are able to open our empty hearts until they fill to overflowing with His love. We have moved our natural self-serving bent out of the way. In that vacuum, God has given us His living water for our thirsty souls. It is a supernatural work of God in us and a spiritual quest of grand proportions

QUESTION 2– Is it worth it to have a loving relationship with God? Why?

*Answer the question before you continue on.

HOW IT WORKS

We may feel that God has given up on the world. The reverse is actually true. He sees a harvest field, ripe and ready, waiting for His touch, where we may see a hopeless field of weeds, not worth saving or not as possible. God seeks His own and has not quit His business of saving souls and bringing many sons to glory. And God doesn’t quit what He starts. In outworking His salvation in us, He has a plan for us to follow. But to do so requires an action on our part. God waits for us to ask before He will act.

Only God can remove our blinders so that we can see. Sins, fears, shameful experiences, poor choices, past hurts, and hardness will keep us in a limited spiritual box, a framework in which we are unable to be open with God. In addition, the blinders keep us from knowing ourselves and who we really are. And in this there is a mystery. It is as if we are a part of a puzzle with one piece missing, and that one piece is us. We need God to show us His divine plan for us so we can live our lives in God’s grace and power with a renewed mind and joyful spirit. Then our puzzle piece fits into its place. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me…” Psalm 139:23, 24. Jeremiah 17:9, 10, 14 also speaks to this end. It involves an active seeking.

Our spiritual journey began at salvation through Christ, His redemptive Presence in our lives. That was when we first recognized God at work in our lives. God had been working behind the scenes to draw us to Himself. He says He calls us. Ever since we first became aware of our spiritual need of a Savior, we began to experience a deep longing, which resides within us and that stirs and grows the more we seek God .

To take it to the next level, we begin to ask God for His healing and an awareness of our sin and sinful actions both past and present (unless already confronted). With this comes a desire for Jesus to reveal Himself to us. What will this gain us? We will find our capacity to receive God in fullness of love increases the more we seek Him and the more we get acquainted with Him. As a result, we begin to follow our Guide in the joy of close fellowship. The inner desire grows in us, this desire is for a oneness, a unity, a relationship that is genuine, pure, unadulterated, and real. This is life. Remember, Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He who follows him will not walk in darkness but will have the light of Life.

On a side-note, we are attracted to life. The day and age we live in is a culture that has a weird dance with death, it seems to encourage death when you look at it objectively. With an over-absorption with death, we find life as less fulfilling, and it is has a way of  limiting the beauty of life. We must counter this message of death. We should pursue what is life- giving. Have you noticed how life is found in the light of the eyes? God gives life with His love. A person with the joy of God has an inner glow and you can see it in their eyes. The eyes speak. It is Christ-centeredness.

QUESTION 3Have you ever known someone who has this light of God that shines forth? Did it arrest your attention? What are/were they like?

The process of seeking and finding God is a sort of baptizing by fire. As we seek God’s face, He begins a sifting process of removing the wheat from the chaff, the silver from the dross, the impurities from our lives. Critical to this process is access to the Godhead; Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit. They meet us at the point of pain, repentance, and even conflicted emotions within the battlefield of flesh vs. spirit resistance. It is through this we will know the truth, and we will begin to become free from the lies and sin which have blinded and held us captive, unable to sense God as a real, true, and loving Father.

Many parts of our lives have blinded us from experiencing Christ as our Propitiation and Kinsman Redeemer. The sanctification we receive at salvation, Christ in us, has an on-going element. The qualities of Christ and His holiness become humble love through Christ while His life continually changes us from the inside, out. Our offensive traits leave bit by bit as Christ becomes our all-in-all. The opening statements in this lesson will not be true of us when the goodness and holy aspects of Christ’s Spirit and God’s holiness reign unfettered within us. 

We have some work to do in order to be set free, a purifying process of looking inward and upward. God helps us in this. By the way, this continues on throughout life.

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: Ask God to begin a purifying work in your heart.

  • Ask God for truths as He reveals the lies about yourself you have believed for many years.
  • Ask for strength to receive what He has for you.
  • Seek a sister or brother in Christ to share these revelations as God works in you.
  • If you are fearful or know you have deep scars and wounds, seek Christian counsel to support you through this process.
  • Expect there to be spiritual warfare. You have been in bondage and the “spiritual” facade with its pretending will be revealed and released.
  • Meditate on Christ at the cross as you seek to share in his sufferings. Include reading gospel accounts of Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. Again, put yourself with Christ, at the garden, at the cross, and at the tomb. Imagine your joy as Mary sees her risen Lord as he reveals himself to her.

Jeremiah 29:12-14-“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord.”

Romans 12:1-2-“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”

Galations 2:20-“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life, I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

image

Look at this visual. Think through your life. Ask God to nudge you to deal with areas you’ve been ignoring or have buried.

A COMMENT IS IN-ORDERIf you truly seek God you may be in for some surprises.

The floodgates may open. Pain may revisit you in your wakeful moments. You may experience a great watershed moment. It may take minutes, days, or even weeks, to release the pain of your past, your hurt with its corresponding wounds to self, to open an awareness of your own falsity in pockets of pride and self-righteousness, and to expose areas of harbored unforgiving thoughts found deep in your inner being. It is a painful process but a healing experience.

Simultaneously you may find yourself outstretched before God in love, harmony, and humbleness with a greater affection and awe of God such as you’ve never experienced or known before. I remember Beth Moore saying that for weeks she spent her days prostrate before God from the time her children went to school until they returned, so great was her finding of God and desire for Him. I could identify with her statement. When God gets your heart and you want more of Him, a thirst develops in you that seeks God with all its passion. It is one of the most beautiful of all God-to-human experiences. I wish it for you, my dear friends.

LINK to NEXT POST in GOING DEEPER SERIES (10)