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Suicide, Abuse, and Memories, Conversations with Emily (16)

Emily was suffering a form of PSTD. Every night was a thing to be endured.  She spoke her reality to me. “Panic sets in both as I slow down or wind down for the day and also as the sun goes down and darkness sets in.”

JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

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November 18, 20**                                                

11/18, 7:35pm
Me:  My close friend, Bill*, lost his son today in a tragic suicide. I may head down to see him if he wants me to come. He lives five hours from here. If I go to see him I will need to adjust my schedule. I just don’t know what will happen. They’re devastated and in shock. We used to date and I am sort of his spiritual support. I really hurt for him. I feel a little in shock myself!

11/18, 8:01pm
Emily:  praying for u and Bill & his family.

11/18, 8:27pm
Me:  Bill is still a baby believer like 4 years but has held steady. He has been very good to me over the years. Thanks for being understanding.

____________

 November 20, 20**

11/20, 10:22am
Emily:  I’d appreciate prayer as body memories are awful today. I would just like a bit of peace in my body.

11/20, 12:30pm
Me:  I will pray. Much prayer goes out to you. Someday, Miss Emily, you will be a trophy of grace. Keep hold of that thought. So sorry it is so hard and painful.

11/20, 3:07pm
Emily:  ty. your encouragement here has been an answer to prayer…been praying for people to come into my life that would be speaking life over me…ty doesn’t seem to be big enough but its all i got

11/20, 5:51pm
Me:  You encourage me. Your frankness is similar to a close friend I had in college. Thank you for the smile…the affirmation. I don’t doubt that you are one of the main reasons I’ve been on the book launch team, the other is my blogs. I’ve done 12 of them for the book launch. I don’t plan to do anymore. I’m thinking I will become inactive on the site unless God opens up a direction there. And I don’t mind.

11/20, 5:55pm
Emily:  huh? not sure I’m following…u didn’t know me before the book launch team so how coulda that been a main reason u were on it?

11/20, 6:14pm
Me:  I mean, God had a plan.

11/20, 6:14pm
Emily:  oh…gottchya
can i be real with ya?
not that i haven’t previously..just wanna speak frank
don’t wanna choose words wisely and just say it how it is…

11/20, 6:18pm
Me:  I ask God about things, my future etc? For the last year he has been saying to me these things “Go” and “feed My sheep.” That I must trust Him for the journey. So I try to do that.
Sure. I’ll try to be frank back if you want
Let me guess.!
The Team?

11/20, 6:22pm
Emily:  i just want to relax and unwind from a day full of body memories…but i can’t get away from everyone’s hands

11/20, 6:22pm
Me:  Is that what makes your skin crawl?

11/20, 6:22pm
Emily:  yes

11/20, 6:28pm
Emily:  i just want it all to stop

11/20, 6:29pm
Me:  I see. I just know that it can be lessened. How? If only God’s healing touch could cover those bad touches and remove their invasion. I haven’t been touched in a mean way…ever. Not physically or sexually. But, oh do I know there is life after death experiences. Being trapped in the painful memory keeps it stirring as a cesspool of hurt. Just one second. . .

11/20, 6:40pm
Me:  I believe God can and will heal a memory. He goes to the place of the hurt and gives a thought as He purifies the wound and heals it. I just don’t know how to guide you to that place, other than telling you that it will take an active seeking on your part, an openness with God that doesn’t hold back. Ideally, another person would be praying with you during the healing restoration. I’ve experienced it and I’ve read of others who have.

11/20, 6:41pm
Emily:  ya
thx

11/20, 6:47pm
Me:  I hope you find relief soon. I will continue to pray. I’ve been praying more lately. My friend is in need of it. They expect 500 at the funeral on Sat. I will drive down for it that day. Terrible stuff. But God will bring good from bad. He always does.
 
Emily:  nite

11/20, 8:20pm
Emily:  I’m sorry if my sharing tonight made things uncomfortable

11/20, 9:51pm
Me:  Not at all. Not much phases me any more. In fact, I prefer direct unless it isn’t sincere. Some people want sympathy and to be heard, but they don’t want to do the hard work. That would frustrate me if it were to happen. But you are asking the questions, and that’s a good thing.
My daughter kept needing me and interrupting my thoughts when we were talking. I finally gave up trying to talk to you and her at the same time!
Emily, what type of church were you raised in? Denomination or association? Just curious if you were raised Protestant, Catholic, Pentecostal, baptist, brethren, Orthodox, independent or other? Thanks for the info above.
___________

 November 21, 20**

11/21, 4:04am
Emily:  I’d fall under Protestant

11/21, 3:24pm
Me:  Okie dokie

11/21, 7:31pm
Emily:  i forgot to tell ya to thank ur daughter for joining in our craziness (the facial we did earlier that night with skype/facetime.)

11/21, 8:46pm
Me:  Ok. TU. That was fun!

11/21, 8:48pm
Emily:  heading to bed here…have a good night

11/21, 9:03pm
Me:  GN.
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 November 22, 20**

11/22, 7:50am
Emily:  How is everything this AM?

11/22, 8:09am
Me:  Ok. I’m anxious about my friend, “Bill.” I think he’s going to call and say not to come to the funeral. That would be bad. I need to be there. I need to be there to pray and bring God’s presence with me. His family has never met me.

11/22, 8:10am
Emily:  Don’t be nervous. Follow God. You may want to be there for him. He may not wish you there. But what does God want?

11/22, 8:32am
Me:  That’s exactly how I feel. There is much confusion in that family. I just get a sinking feeling. He will be calling soon.

11/22, 8:33am
Emily:  Well I’m praying!
Can I assume ur face survived the night?

11/22, 8:50am
Me:  It did. Skin is nice and smooth this morning. TU! You were fun last night. G never said anything but I think she felt comfortable.

11/22, 8:52am
Emily:  No, she didn’t. It was written all over her face, silly momma.

11/22, 8:59am
Emily:  Oops…seems I brushed up against the phone here at work with messenger open and posted my location. Sorry for being confusing. I need a nap!
____________

 November 24, 20**

11/24, 4:53pm
Me:  It went fine yesterday. The service was well done. Thanks for praying. I feel sort of depleted today in my emotions. I want to talk with my friend but he’s had nonstop company. I will have to wait my turn! How are you this weekend?

11/24, 7:50pm
Emily:  I’ve had a really tough weekend with chaos and body memories

11/24, 8:47pm
Me:  I just started reading the book “Jesus calling.” The author talks about God preparing her for helping a woman heal who had memories of ritualistic Satan worship abuses that were tormenting her. It was a difficult thing, the spiritual warfare. I thought of you. You are tormented. The evil one is relentless. But, he can not have you if You are God’s. A counter offensive might be in order, during the times when the memories torment. I will pray for words to come to you as a defense and as a healing stream. I remember a time when it was dark in my life, I would pray, “In Christ, …” And then name it, what I was going to do etc. He may give you something like that.

11/24, 8:50pm
Emily:  panic sets in both as i slow down or wind down for the day and also as the sun goes down and darkness sets in

11/24, 8:51pm
Me:  I see. The panic triggers the fight or flight emotions, I assume.

11/24, 8:52pm
Emily:  not sure which triggers…the panic or the memories. . .kind of a chicken or the egg thing

11/24, 8:52pm
Me:  The time of day

11/24, 8:53pm
Emily:  again…not sure if its the darkness or the winding down
i sense its a lil of both
in both scenarios

11/24, 8:53pm
Me:  Memory association.
Dread

11/24, 8:57pm
Emily:  more like memory disassociation

11/24, 8:58pm
Me:  Well, you need to tell those memories where they can stuff it. That you aren’t going to be afraid of them any longer. Let them know that you are going to walk on through it, relax, and come out okay in the end. That you will not be hijacked any longer. If it’s a depressive demonic attack, we will ask God to help remove the darkness (I have felt that too).

11/24, 8:59pm
Emily:  i honestly can’t remember a time that darkness didn’t bring on this panic…I’ve grown up with it

11/24, 9:00pm
Me:  Wow! I wonder about that, if it has a cause. Regardless, it is driving the fear.
Or the fear is driving it.

11/24, 9:02pm
Emily:  my abuse began as a young child though so it doesn’t surprise me…i think one of those chicken or the egg things really

11/24, 9:02pm
Me:  Yes.

11/24, 9:03pm
Emily:  I’ve worked years on being able to stay present in all of the panic, though

11/24, 9:03pm
Me:  Were there others afflicted by the same abuser?

11/24, 9:03pm
Emily:  unfortunately, yes

11/24, 9:04pm
Me:  Do you know if they have received help?

11/24, 9:05pm
Emily:  don’t think i know all involved…i just know others occurred before me and others occurred after me

11/24, 9:05pm
Me:  Sickening

11/24, 9:05pm
Emily:  pretty much
i worked so many years to stop disassociating that i don’t want to go back there yet way too often i don’t feel like i can survive without that numbing

11/24, 9:08pm
Me:  Did the person ever get confronted? Notice, I’m not asking, who. I don’t want to ask that question in a I-message

11/24, 9:08pm
Emily:  why don’t u wanna ask that question here?

11/24, 9:10pm
Me:  I am on the phone. Just a moment

11/24, 9:27pm
Me:  First of all, I don’t think it’s any of my business. Secondly, I figure you will tell me when you want me to know or feel it should be shared. Thirdly, there are some things I don’t like to put in an electronic record. I’m cautious. There are some things I won’t ever put in an email or an I-message because I wouldn’t want it to come back and bite me later in ministry…if someone goes witch hunting. So I treat you as I like to be treated. Maybe I’m being silly, but maybe not. Your bedtime. To be continued….

11/24, 9:28pm
Emily:  lol…past my bedtime but nowhere near sleeping
prob gonna b another long night again
kinda hard to sleep feeling everyone’s hands who have ever hurt me all over me all at once…sorry if I’ve shared too openly

11/24, 10:34pm
Me:  Well. I wish you could get some new happy memories. You haven’t shared too openly. You’ve done fine. I think you are good. Life is not easy but there’s lots of good around us. Focus on one happy memory, something someone told you that made you feel like you were noticed. What did they say and how did it affect your thinking about yourself? The first one I remember was a fourth grade teacher. Usually I was never noticed because I was quiet. She complimented me two different times. It was nice to be noticed.

__________

This is how “Emily” was living life. Each night was to be dreaded. Her memories were destructive to her inner sense of being. How I wished ‘peace’ for Emily, that she could know healing in her subconscious. Her inner sorrow was bleeding through. It splashed out of her. I often prayed for her and for my words, that they might be a message of healing for her in the inward places. All I was doing was caring and sharing, then trusting God for His ministering grace.

When I was hurting because of my emotional needs not being met, I wouldn’t talk about it with my friends. I appeared to be managing well. I was trusting God, but I wasn’t happy or relaxed. I was solid, in-control, and functional. You do what you have to do. Over time, though, you begin to wear down. And at some point, you decide that you can’t carry on like that any longer.

Memories from past abuse derail inner peace. Conversations w/ Em.
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Suicide, Abuse, & Memories. Spiritual healing is possible.
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I believed Emily was reaching that point. The internal suffering was forcing her to admit and then address it, which could (or would) lead to her healing. It was in her court.

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LINKS

>next post:  Raped, beaten, and left for dead:  Conversations with Emily (17)

<previous post:  Abuse marks a person:  Conversations with Emily (15)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

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Why Critical Comments Aren’t the Last Word

Have you ever been criticized? Of course you have. It stings, right? And then there’s constructive criticism. Is it any better? I don’t think so even though we try to suck it up and put on our big boy pants… it still bothers us. Our confidence slips. Sometimes we are given the chore to evaluate someone’s work. Some of us who prefer not to do this find that the thoughts are always there anyways, and we could say a lot if we wanted to. Kind constructive criticism means we put ourselves in their shoes, and we are careful in the saying of it. But, really, maybe we should delete the term ‘constructive criticism’ for the better good of all concerned.

2014-08-26 16.13.17Those of us who are taking steps forward are going to receive negative commentary. Recently I spoke at a women’s event. The attendees were encouraged to fill out an evaluation sheet on each speaker and other aspects of the event. Everyone involved was a lay person doing the best they could to make this an opportunity to help women’s hearts heal. Each speaker had a message that had been prayed for and prayed over. We had been praying together for close to six months. The event went exceptionally well and we knew God had come close and changed lives. Over forty women responded to the message of Christ. Many were from recovery groups and there was a strong almost tangible presence of God. I was blessed to be part of that.

A few weeks after the event I attended the appreciation dinner. We were given an opportunity to talk, and we all did. I shared briefly about my topic, Pain and Healing, and about Norma from an earlier sister event. There was an audible gasp when I mentioned her worry stone with the word, Joy, on it. After the sharing, we were given a stack of evaluations written by the women who attended our individual sessions. I didn’t know the women in my workshop other than two friends. That night as I read the evaluations, all looked well and good until I came to this not-so-stellar evaluation.

Felt like she needed to be a little bit more upbeat–slow moving–and was a little insensitive in something she said–sorry, just being honest–holes in her testimony 🙁

That was it, all she said. No validation and no encouragement. Being human, after all, I thought back to my talk, which I had recorded and listened to, and tried to ferret out what she was talking about. The other positive evaluations seemed to lessen in value because of that one critical comment. I am sure she meant it as “constructive” but it still felt uncomfortable and made me think ‘why am I doing this?’ Maybe you know the feeling.

A day later I heard from an author friend of mine who had spoken at the same event. It was her second time to speak in public and the first time she ever shared her personal testimony. She read snippets from her book and encouraged the women in their spiritual walks. When she had finished her talk, the women gave her a standing ovation. I was so proud of her, it was such a big step. We sat next to each other during the appreciation dinner and spent the time talking about our writing ministries and what we are overcoming.

For some reason (and now I know why) over dinner I shared with my author friend the challenges of ministering. I told her about three times when I received criticisms that were especially difficult for me: 1) a harsh critique that was sent to me after I was the guest speaker for a women’s retreat, 2) a constructive one-on-one with a member in my church a couple of weeks after I had spoken for the morning worship service, who said that my delivery sounded sort of condescending and 3) the writing coach who said, after I showed her my first 100 page, single spaced manuscript that I had devoted two of my teacher summer vacations to write, “Your writing is the writing of an amateur,” and how that had devastated me and I quit writing for years (I never went back to that manuscript). I shared with her what I learned from each of those situations.

The next day she sent me a private i-message: This is an abbreviated version. It was a very rich dialogue. Used with permission.

Her: . . . You know, we are friends for a reason. I smile. Well, maybe more than  one. I smile again. We are both writers. And what hit me hard, Norma, is when you told me you spoke and then received the letter of criticism from the group. I really felt your pain. . . . Then, you mentioned you spent two whole summers on whatever your were working on, when more time could have been spent with the children. Was it all in vain? Norma, I received great reviews–but I also got two bad reviews.  One said that I didn’t make myself vulnerable and that I appeared to be a phony. I immediately thought of you and your letter.

I just want you to know that I love you and I love your commitment to writing. I believe that this love is coming from God, Himself, telling both of us that He is proud of us for even wanting to place our thoughts in print. Speaking about being vulnerable, we have really placed ourselves in a vulnerable position, opening ourselves up to criticism from another.

Me:  Your words are precious to me. Some criticism drives deep. I had one critical evaluation in my stack. . . .What critical words have done to me is they have made me cautious. Now I always ask God to help me in these areas. If we aren’t careful, critical words can make us hesitant to ever speak again.

When I first started sharing as God’s messenger, I asked Him to show me the areas in my life that need improving. When I am attacked or criticized, I ask Him to show me what part of it is true, that I need to work on, and what is just the other person’s opinion, that I need to let go of. I’ve never been a confident person, very self-critical, so I have to cling to the cross and believe in the better good that can be accomplished. Go out with joy, the Word says. I love you too, more each time I see you. . . I’m always thankful for our visits. Bless you, my friend. You are special to me. Thank you for encouraging me.

Her:   What this has shown me is to be sure to be there to critique, perhaps, but not to give your personal opinion. There was one letter, genuinely from the heart, and I received what she gave me. The two mentioned above were just opinions, and they were cruel as well. Yet, I think, perhaps I, too, have been cruel in evaluating a speaker I don’t know anything about.

Norma, we are being deeply chiseled in our own being–God is working out within us, a new work. Interesting, also, if I were given those two above comments ten years ago, I would have completely shut down. I know I would have. We are becoming stronger. . . The new work in us is a blessing. I did have a critical spirit and realized it, by being on the receiving end, how so very wrong it is. That thought brought me peace: I can glean and then, become clean–in God’s Holy Word… Amen!

Me: The new work in us is a blessing. But I find myself still wondering about it, which I really shouldn’t. I keep wanting validation when the validation should be found in being given the opportunity.

I struggle with a critical spirit as well. . .even though I desire to be accepting and loving. One way I’ve been facing this is by praying for the person or other as soon as the critical thought comes to mind. I ask God to bless them and help them. It happens in church more than I care to admit. So some people are getting a lot more prayer than they used to. Ha! It’s that sense of disapproval that I don’t like in me or in receiving it from others. I have one friend who will always make a negative comment. It doesn’t matter where or when. It’s maddening and deflates the mood/energy. I have learned to not encourage it. . .and that helps.

God bless you. Lovely talk today!  Amen!

Her: Thank you, Norma for being my praying friend. . .

Check out 1 Corinthians 2:10-16 and Philippians 1:6. My author friend shared these verses with me.

There you have it. And, so we see, God even uses critical comments to make us wise–when we let Him. I’m so glad.

God even uses critical comments to make us wise--when we let Him.
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Criticism need not destroy us. Here's why.
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What do you think? When has a critical comment been used to your advantage?

What would be a better phrase to use than ‘constructive criticism’ for making a valid point?