N. L. Brumbaugh, A Transformed Life

“My mother didn’t want me,” the woman commented to the women assembled around decorative tables for the Mother’s Day Tea. She paused, waiting for her statement to sink in. “Really. She didn’t want me.” Watching this lovely woman speak, with her beautiful smile and twinkling eyes, made her statement seem ludicrous. I thought she was joking at first. “I was my mother’s last child, the fourth. My siblings knew it too (that she didn’t want me). When I was a baby they took me to the neighbors and tried to give me away.” She paused again and looked out at us. I chuckled imagining the scene, the ladies in the room giggled thinking it was funny. The pause grew in length. The woman’s face remained serious, she wasn’t laughing. Then her voice quivered, “It may seem funny now, but it wasn’t for me.” I realized our mirth was misplaced and wished I hadn’t laughed.

She was dead serious. This lovely woman of God, beautiful in feature and dress, had been unwanted by her mother when she was a child. What a contradiction her words seemed in contrast to the gracious woman standing in front of us. It was hard to believe. She looked down at her cupped hand where she held a rock, one she had chosen moments before from a basket of gems that had been sent around the room by the speaker, who had used them as an illustration to anchor a thought.

“You see,” She said to us, “I picked a plain colorless gray rock. It’s not much to look at, is it? (pause) It’s like me. Plain and ordinary, that is how I see myself.” The contradiction grew stronger, her words were in contrast to her beauty, her very features glowed with a freshness, an invigorating presence, an inner sanctuary of a woman who knows God in an intimate way. I sensed she was gaining peace with God. Her words arrested everyone’s attention. The room became completely still. The pause included all of us now. We wondered what she would say next.

“God made me, God loves me, and God keeps me.” She read the words etched in her own script on the back of a bookmark like we’d all been given at the tea. “You can know Him.” (pause) “He will keep you too.” Her voice drew us to the words of life, much like a droplet of water is absorbed by a sponge. I had been the speaker for the Spring Tea, I was the one who had passed the basket full of colorful rocks around for each woman to pick out a rock for their own, later to hold in their palm as I would read the words that had been written so long ago by St. Julian of Norwich in the fifteenth century. I would quote words that she had been given in a vision of sorts, where she saw herself holding a little hazelnut in her hand and these words came to her. “God maketh it. God loveth it. God keepeth it.”

St. Julian’s words had been adapted to personalize the message for my audience. I closed my talk with the thought that God made each of us. He loves all of us. And He will keep us because each one of us is important to Him. The music of God’s goodness came to me as I listened to this woman speak and wrap up the meeting. I could tell she was wanting to communicate a fitting closure. God was growing a light inference from the past, this historic triplet, into words of comfort, peace and healing–and in such a way that passes all human understanding. “God made me, He did. God loves me, He does love me. God keeps me, because He is a good God.” Her words spilled forth as her sober comment now became one of joy. She continued on to invite everyone in the room to know the Maker, the Lover, and the Keeper of Whom she spoke and in Whom she has put her faith and belief. A radiance slipped into the room full of daughters and mothers as we knelt with our hearts at our Maker’s feet. These were precious words to keep close and remember forever.

God made me. God loves me. God keeps me. Adapted, Julian of Norwich

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God made me. God loves me. God keeps me. Thank you, dear God, for giving those words to Julian of Norwich. We all need to know we’re loved and kept, and that You, dear God did make us according to Your design. Thank you for encouraging that lovely lady on that day to speak up and share her painful past in order to draw our attention to Your love for her and for us. Something seemed to complete in her as she said them. It felt as if we were watching a miracle as You touched her soul. The truth is, we all feel worthless at times just like her. Thank you for loving, keeping, and making us. Amen

Side Note: The woman I spoke of has been battling a very serious health issue which has required special treatment in a clinic out of state. A couple of years ago a crowdfunding effort was being made on her behalf. She is still with us. Praises to God.

Dealing with the truth is not easy but in some cases dealing with the past is even harder. We are the choices we make. However, sometimes this is not true when the choices are made for us, especially when we are powerless.

JUST PLAIN SCARED: CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

Warning: Sensitive material included.

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January 12, 20**

1/12/20**

Emily: Thurs night my dad told me bout a fella he had dinner with at the pastors conf he’s at in St.Louis

Me: And…

Emily: brought a lot of stuff up for me cuz i went to school in st. paul with this guy,

his story to my dad is that we didn’t run with a real good crowd

Me: Oh. Cat outta the bag

Emily: truth is…he and I hooked up before hooking up was popular

Me: Oh. Not just a friend. More to it

Emily: ya…he knew me when i ran with the gangs

and was selling myself

Me: Why did you take that risk? Were you desperate for acceptance?

Emily: long story

Me: Ok. Let’s have it

Emily: if thur night wasn’t enough of a walk down memory lane…

Fri topped it.

showed up at my nephew’s basketball game to find my son’s father there

we’ve not seen (each other) in 8-10 yrs

Me: Oh, wow!

Emily: he was there watching his son on the other team…

found out my son has a bro & sis

Me: You talked?

Emily: i approached him by concessions after the first game

or maybe some would say confronted him

Me: How’d it impact you?

Emily: it rattled me!

deep to the core

Me: Of course

Did you ever love him?

Emily: no…it was purely a physical relationship

Me: How did he react?

Emily: we had a nice public conversation where he continued to lie to my face

and thinking i don’t see right through em

Me: Was your son at the game?

Emily: no…that would’ve added a whole new twist to all of this

Me: Whew!

Emily: i met the kids, not sure what questions they asked on their drive home.

told ” isaac” all about it when i got home though

Me: Heavy stuff for him to process.

I’ve always wondered if my ex has any kids out there I don’t know about.

Emily: son has taken it in stride…prob doing better than me really

Me: Crazy was a good description.

Emily: tell me bout it

Me: Did you live with Isaac’s father?

Emily: never

Me: So, not much history with him.

Emily: just a physical relationship…kinda goes back to st. paul really

your question bout why…

i numbed myself of all the sex with just more sex

don’t know if that makes sense or is too much info for ya

sorry

Me: No. Not at all.

But why did you join a gang?

Emily: first place i ever belonged

Me: That’s what I wanted to know.

Emily: left for freshman year of college believing i already

was 2 of that 1 in 3 women (that) experience sexual abuse before they are 18

and thought that made me invincible from becoming 3

Me: Ok

Emily: i’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations…

first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade

Me: Terrible.

Emily: but the brutal attack my freshman yr in college pushed me over the edge and i ran to the gangs

they took care of me in a way

but at a hefty price of working the streets for them

that was after the brutal initiation though

Me: There’s so much to this story

Emily: ya…sorry

Me: No sorry, please. You don’t shock me.

I have former students in gangs. It grieves me.

Emily: it’s funny how back then its what i did to survive

and looking back how messed up that looks

Me: I see a kid that’s hurt and neglected and later they become ripe for gangs

Emily: ya

Me: Pastor’s daughter, didn’t you say?

Everyone really is looking to be loved in some way. At least I think so.

Everyone is looking to be loved in some way.

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Emily: ya

Me: I only slept with my husband. The only man ever and only in marriage. I find it more difficult in some ways to remain celibate now after 11 yrs alone b/c I feel more attractive as a confident woman than I used to be. Men notice me but I ignore them.

My life belongs to God and I must have a man who is in it with me or do without.

Emily: i’ve never known the intimacy of marriage.

sex has only been either in abuse or what i used to numb the abuse

Me: I get that. It might be hard to adjust to a marriage relationship.

Emily: yet God gave me a yearning for a marriage last year

Me: I yearn for a man who understands my bent.

The right man could make all the difference. However, it is scary. I look at “Betty,” her post this morning completely surprised me, maybe her, too (her husband left her). You could have knocked me over with a feather b/c they seemed to be so close, in-love. How can we know a man will ‘stick’ and not run? I don’t know. I think that’s great, though. A desire for marriage caused by God is meaningful.

Emily: ya that was a shocker…but didn’t surprise me really

Me: I sent her a private message.

Emily: ya

did she respond

Me: Yes. She said it’s not fun.

Emily: i don’t imagine so

Me: I think it’s bound to be harder when it’s been sweet, and you think you’ve got the real deal. The crash is more in the area of disbelief that this person really was not what you thought they were. It happened once to me a few years back with someone I dated, and I still find it hard to believe that someone who loved so completely could shut out that love. Yet, I guess it was better that it happened before marriage. I am too gullible! Yet, I am suspicious too…that comes with being hurt.

Sorry. Talking too much.

Emily: ur not talking too much

Me: K

The bad thing is, I still miss him. He felt like a soul mate. The only time I’ve ever experienced that sort of connection.

Emily: u mentioned its hard to be celibate…can i ask how u do it

Me: Ok. Just a moment. I’m fixing myself a bite to eat.

Emily: i think my parents just arrived for the evening.

we can chat another time

Me: Ok. Enjoy them

I may answer the question but I won’t expect a reply.

I guess the most truthful answer is that I know what limit I have set, and I won’t deviate from it. I’ve made a promise to God that my life is his to do as he wishes. If I go back on my promise, or bring shame by my actions, then I will shoot myself in the foot by becoming a hypocrite and end my usefulness. I guess it’s mind over matter. I am a woman who likes amour so it is something I deny myself. I’m not perfect by any means, but I have certain lines I will not cross no matter how much the woman part of me might wish it. I know how to separate thought from feeling most of the time. I do admit to feeling starved for affection at times. I love being close to a man that I care for. Some women are not this way. One thing that holds me back is that I hate breaking up or having someone fall in love with me when I don’t see them as marriage potential. I quit dating except for a casual date once in awhile with a friend of mine who I keep contact with.

Any more questions…bring ’em on!

Talk with you later.

01/12/20** 8:13pm

Emily: everyone is in bed now here

how can mind win over matter when it comes to biology?

Me: One decides in advance.

And you only go out with someone who respects it.

Emily: ya…that’s NEVER worked no matter how many times i’ve decided.

biology has always taken over

Emily: its actually how my son came about…

ya…maybe that’s where i’ve always gone wrong…

always talked about my wishes,

but guess they never respected my wishes

Me: They have to have a respect for God.

Emily: well they’ve said so with their words…

Me: Yes. Some men are duplicitous…in fact, many men.

Emily: and can’t say I’ve even been out with a guy in 15 yrs anyway

Me: Well, if you start going out, be careful. It seems like sex has become a problem in the Christian values area.

It is easy to compromise. It’s easier not to date than to deal with temptation/biology. My opinion.

Emily: ya…prob part of why I’ve not been out in so long,

but temptation is still there just as much by myself

sorry…

Me: It’s ok

Emily: no its not

Me: It’s ok to be honest with me.

What kind of man do you want? Personality wise.

Emily: strong, warm, funny

Me: Sounds nice.

Emily: I’m big pic kinda person, would like a more detail person, but not so anal bout the details it drives me crazy,

just enough to balance me out

Me: I see

Negative ppl drive me crazy. I don’t want someone who looks on the bad side of things.

Emily: i’m falling asleep here…gonna have to say goodnight

Me: Ok. Take care and good night.

Emily: who knows what kind of sleep i’ll get…can hear my parents snoring in the basement! UG!

Me: Listen to music … GN

Emily: i have the tv on…will fall asleep to that

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January 19, 20**

01/19/2014 4:20pm

Emily: what ya up to?

Me: I thought heading to church for a singspiration in ten min. You?

Emily: looking for a friend to talk to…enjoy church

sing some for me

Me: Oh. Rats. Wish I could talk.

Emily: no worries…go get ur praise on

Me: Yes. I can do that. Need to do that !

Later alligator…

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Emily has some past experiences none of us would welcome. As a child, then youth, then college coed, she was taken advantage of, misunderstood, sexually abused, unhappy, and used. All of this ‘stuff’ caused a numbing in her, and it was hidden from her Christian family. By the way, her father is a pastor.

Truly, it is difficult to overcome or even face such things. Her words, “I’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations; first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade. Sex has only been either in abuse or what I used to numb the abuse.”

As a Christian, freedom does not come until there is a healing and a letting go. Understanding of this is what I contribute throughout our private online communications. It is a slow process of building trust, empathizing, making suggestions and sharing what I know to be true. I try to be there for Emily, to coax out the struggle and then help her deal with her past. I am a friend first, lay counselor second.

Most of all, I care. I am an anonymous, safe person for Emily as she sorts out her past and finds hope for her tomorrow. In today’s conversation, we find a shocker that comes Emily’s way and that will lead us to talk about purity and a godly perspective of sex. Then she asks me a sensitive question.

Walking thru the pain of the past is easier with a caring friend.

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A kid that's hurt and neglected later becomes ripe for gangs.

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