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Divorce is Not the End

I couldn’t believe it, it couldn’t be true. Not their marriage, but it was their marriage. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Her husband left her after decades of marriage. As active, go-to people in their church, it did not seem possible.

A mutual friend told me.

I wondered how she was doing but didn’t know her well enough to inquire. I worried about her, because it is very hard to be left by a mate, and it is especially hard when you are active in the church.

Instead, she called me.

She reached out to me, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was being called by God to help her. She came over. We talked through the whole afternoon. Some of the struggle came out. There were surface reasons, of course, but that didn’t make it any easier. The signs were there, like they usually are, but she wasn’t looking for signs.

Then—it was over.

Huge was the hurt. Gone was the future, their future. Present was the reality. They tried a counselor but that was marginal. Her husband wanted out. When someone wants out, it is hard to stop them.

Everything changed.

People in the church were distant. She needed them to be present, but it was awkward. They did not know what to say or how to minister to her. She thought despairing thoughts on occasion, but then she pushed those thoughts aside, knowing they were destructive.

She was determined to find a way.

We talked through a lot of subjects. I did not know what to give her. But the words flowed. I explained concepts like thoughts v feelings, the Keys to the Kingdom–binding and loosing, unhealthy souls v healthy souls, unmet needs, unhealed hurts, unresolved issues, the need for God to change us and heal our hearts, and whatever topic came up. Resources in my mind were spoken out to her.

She wanted to learn.

She was in God’s word and growing. On her own, she came to see her life realistically. Through wisdom and insight, my friend could now see she was expecting others to meet her emotional needs rather than looking to God to fill the void and her need for acceptance and love. That in itself was huge.

Not long ago the divorce was final.

She and I talked about it. I have walked with her through the journey, sharing insights that I have gained through my own struggle with travail and a broken marriage. In the past, we were casual acquaintances whose paths rarely crossed. Then our meetings became frequent, meaningful and deep. She and I have been meeting for over two years now, ever since the time she first reached out to me, when I made a commitment to God to be a hands-on support, spiritual resource, and friend. What a blessing she has been to me.

The woman grew and grew.

It was totally amazing. I saw her grasp kingdom truth in marvelous ways that made a great difference in her life and soul. God became real to her. He became her closest friend. Even her physical countenance changed over time. Her eyes became bright, her features soft. She looked younger and angelic. Her inner self started to come to the surface with a beauty called radiance.

When a broken heart plunged her into brokenness, she made the right choice…to seek God.

My friend intentioned to become whole. In her times of brokenness, she looked for ways to heal. She chose to become wise rather than bitter. A book on gratitude helped her focus on being thankful for the little things. A journal offered emotional therapy as she wrote about positive and negative experiences, and it morphed into a praise journal. She joined a divorce care group and found the subjects helpful and applicable. She decided to look for the good in each day. That was hard to do but she would not give up.

God was healing her.

My friend’s view of life expanded from that of rigid, high expectations, to that of acceptance and grace-giving, less to dictate and more to support others. For her, concentrated prayer became a way of reaching out to God, rather than a list of worries and wants. She prays for me, lots and lots, and it touches me and supports me in ways that mean a lot.

Slowly but certainly, she was finding her way back.

A new her was being birthed. The secret to her freeing was that she was able to acknowledge her own self-issues. Her spiritual eyes became open to areas of weakness in her spiritual walk. Then she went about the business of dealing with them. I’m so stinking proud of her. I feel like a mother with a child who receives top honors for achievement.

She dared to look in the mirror.

  • Like her, we are broken when we leave the excuses and justifications aside.
  • We are broken when we give up and quit striving.
  • We are broken when we realize there are somethings we cannot fix by ourselves.
  • We are broken when we have exhausted our internal resources.
  • We are broken when we are at the end and can’t go the distance anymore.

Brokenness doesn’t need to be an end, it can be a beginning.

The problem is, we will not get ourselves out of the way until self lets us down and all feels helpless. It is at that point we know in our hearts, we must make a choice. We will either fade and disappear into black hopelessness or we will turn to and embrace the only One who can help us. God meets us there. A person can curse God and die to living, or embrace God and live to freeing. There is no other choice when you are broken.

That is why brokenness is a good thing.

It forces us to take a look at our whole self, physical, spiritual, and emotional. People whom have been broken, and who in their broken place sought God with no holds barred, are different than all other people. In the process of finding God as enough, they become soft on the inside and strong on the outside. Their mind becomes clear and their bent to self-protect lessens. They begin to act more as Jesus acts. Their life is impacted in its deepest inner being.

My friend, do you know what it is to be broken?

It is a helpless feeling. Yet, it is a place of letting go. It is an opportunity to grow and change. God reaches out to you and you can reach back. God is invested in your life. He knows what brought you to this place where you are alone without props and privileges. God desires to move you from this broken place to one of health, strength, and wholeness, through a renewal process.

Like my friend, God has a plan for you.

Awaken.

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A Nostalgic Moment

I had a nostalgic moment on my way home today from seeing my folks. I decided to drive home a different route and swing by the walnut farm. One stretch of road, down Meridian Road, past Bell Road, heading north toward Wilson Landing Road, was one we as a family traveled when we went to church when my husband and I were raising our children. I passed the old farm house to the west by the railroad tracks and saw that someone had fixed it up. It wasn’t looking too good the last time I noticed it.

1997

Then the thought crowded in.

As I drove past the very familiar land and orchards, I remembered the many times my family traveled this stretch to church every Sunday morning. Before leaving at 9:00, I would have the kids peel potatoes and carrots for a pot roast that I would put on a low setting to bake while we were gone. It cooked at a higher heat for 30 minutes, so I had to start early enough to make that happen. I always cooked the roast the way my mother cooked it, where it’s so delicious and that the roast shreds and is perfectly made. That one stretch of road made me miss what used to be, when the children were young and we worshiped in church as a family.

It was what we did.

For a while we had an Oldsmobile station wagon with a third seat in back. It was a good car for church. My oldest daughter invited friends to church, mainly for the Awana club program. We’d pack them in. She and her friends would sing as I drove. They really liked “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King and then they’d burst out in giggles. Awana was a work night for me. I’d always teach the story time in Sparkys, the little guys, and sometimes for both groups. That meant studying and preparing, which I would start on Sunday nights.

I loved making the story real for the kids.

Then the drive home in the dark. The kids were more quiet but talking. On occasion they would ask me questions. Then we’d drop the friends off at their homes and then arrive home and it would take a good thirty minutes before the kids settled down and the house became quiet. Only one year did I take a break, and that was after my youngest was born, (shortly after the photo was taken in this post). I was a very busy mother that sometimes it seemed like too much.

But I miss those days.

There was something special about being with family, having the kids with us, loving what we had together. We had a rough time financially and at times I felt guilty that we couldn’t provide more in material stability and security. One thing we did provide was consistency in things of the Lord and we modeled how to treat your fellow man with courtesy and kindness.

I was lonely for family today. That happens.

Those days are long gone now, never again will I experience the joy of having my family with me in the car on the way to church. Life goes on. We miss what once was and we embrace what is ahead. I find that there is a different set of people I interact with now, we find new ways to celebrate life. Once in awhile, I get to do the same with my own children and grandchildren when they come for a visit. We are making new memories.

To my children, thanks for the memories.