Norma L. Brumbaugh

When We’re Hurt

One of the stressful areas of spiritual life is knowing how to deal with major and minor disappointments. We want to handle disappointments correctly. However, pain, hurt, and disillusionment tend to cause fall-out in our emotions. We may react in one of several ways.

I had three stressful disappointments in the last three years that involve people I care about. All of the disappointments were difficult to deal with emotionally because I was wounded. I cried. I was hurt. I felt unappreciated and thought my opinions were devalued. All three were people wounds. Barriers came up that caused strain in these relationships.

When We’re a Christian

Because I care about my spiritual life and my walk with God, I can’t allow myself to remain immersed in the pain or allow myself to submerge very long in angry bitterness and resentment. I don’t want to have bad feelings towards others, yet I have a hard time when something seems unjust or unwarranted. Unfair treatment is very difficult to get over, but for God.

A disappointed person will probably do one of the following three: They allow bitterness to thrive, or they ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, or they deal with it in a pro-active way. We all have choices: Some healthy, some not so much. From what I’ve observed, most people ignore the pain and anger. They just go on as if they weren’t just hit by a Mack truck.

When It’s a Spiritual Battle

For me, I have to work it through until I’m on the other side of it. When the disappointment causes me to experience deep pain to where I am hurting, angry, feeling rejected and disrespected, and exasperated by not being valued appropriately, I know it is going to take time, maybe months, for me to fully recover. For some the process goes faster since personalities differ.

It can involve talking it through with someone you trust, like a friend, family member, pastor, or therapist. You learn it’s a process of addressing the issue, learning more about what happened, letting go of the reins–you stop trying to make it turn out right, maybe confronting the issue and person, maybe forgiving, and always rebuilding and restoring your wounded self. Most importantly, you seek God to guide you through it.

When You Want to Do the Right Thing

How to handle disappointments with a spiritual mindset is determined by what you value on the spiritual side of life. In your natural state you can build up or tear down yourself and others. I value peace, my human relationships, healthy community, and my relationship with God. That’s why I choose to deal with it and not ignore it. (It can be hard work, too.)

After the reacting settles down, I’m not content to remain in a miserable space or at odds with others. I won’t be satisfied until I’m in a good space, no matter how long it takes me get there, to where I return to peace with myself, others, and God. Sometimes I discover that I unwittingly contributed to the problem, which is good to know, or I took something too personally, which is also good to know.

Here’s a process that’s helpful:

Go to God about it.
Acknowledge why it caused you pain.
Seek to give it to God while you let the anger and frustration go.
Ask yourself what you can learn through this.
Thank God for being with you and helping you through it.

That doesn’t mean you are a doormat, that you have no opinions, that you never speak up when you’ve been wronged or something’s hurtful. What it does mean is that you intention to be better, not bitter, that you will address it, and not ignore it, and that you will learn something from it. Usually disappointments have spiritual components that cause you to put down roots in your faith.

The goal is to bring it to God first. Let Him help you walk through it–while you keep your eye of faith held fast on your Savior.

I was listening to Christian radio while driving home from a town run. The radio host was talking about problems we encounter on a frequent basis. The speaker shared three practical tips for how to keep yourself from saying something you will regret. They made sense to me. I scrambled to find a scrap of paper to write them down after I got home. I’m sorry I don’t know who to attribute them to.

3 Tips That Can Change Your Life:

Never reply when you are angry.
Never make a promise when you are happy.
Never make a decision when you are sad.

Implementation:

1) Never Reply When You’re Angry:

This makes a lot of sense. In the heat of the moment you can say things without an appropriate filter monitoring your words. You can hurl comments that are hurtful or unkind, that in the heat of the moment you feel justified in saying. But is it wise? Is it helpful? Is it hurtful or judgmental? Does it remedy the situation? Probably not.

KEY: You are either acting in the spirit or in the flesh. Choose to wait until you are centered in Christ, in the spirit, then reply accordingly.

2) Never Make a Promise When You’re Happy:

Unfortunately, people don’t always keep their promises. You are more likely to make an impulsive promise when you’re happy about something, like, maybe, the government stimulus check. Let’s go do something! Let’s buy something. (Mine went into my savings account to help out during the lean months, just saying.) When you’re happy you want to make others’ happy, but you need to think it through before you make a promise you might not be able to keep.

KEY: Plan rather than act on impulse. Wait before promising. Keep this in mind when you’re happy. Then you won’t make a promise you can’t keep, no matter how well-intentioned.

3) Never Make a Decision When You’re Sad:

When you’re sad, the glass is half empty and you’re not in the best frame of reference. Speaking for myself, I am more likely to think about quitting or giving up when I’m sad or not at my best. However, I recognize this in myself and deal with it first before making decisions. Take for instance, a bright, sunshiny day versus a foggy, dreary day; which kind of day cheers you up and makes you feel upbeat about life? Spring days, case in point. I do better writing on cheerful days than on cheerless days.

KEY: Put the decision off until a later time when you’re in a positive frame of mind. Then work at improving the way you feel. You might do an activity that lifts your spirits such as something you enjoy. Give yourself some time and space before making an important decision.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.“-Galatians 5:22,23 ESV

In Conclusion:

Be wise.
Be cautious.
Be slow to speak.
Be quick to listen.
Be led by the Spirit

Self-control and Spirit-control work together in the child of God. I believe you make a mistake when you excuse your behaviors as just the way you are–and most of us ‘justify’ some of our behaviors, as I do. All of us are clay in the Potter’s hands. He’s making many sons and daughters for Glory. I think, as with anything, you get what you put into it. Most likely you won’t change unless you give whatever it is to God and let Him begin working on it with you. Something beautiful for God happens in the process.

*Photo by Brian Wangenheim, Unsplash

CONNECTING WITH GOD IN EVERYDAY LIFE