Have you ever been criticized? Of course you have. It stings, right? And then there’s constructive criticism. Is it any better? I don’t think so even though we try to suck it up and put on our big boy pants… it still bothers us. Our confidence slips. Sometimes we are given the chore to evaluate someone’s work. Some of us who prefer not to do this find that the thoughts are always there anyways, and we could say a lot if we wanted to. Kind constructive criticism means we put ourselves in their shoes, and we are careful in the saying of it. But, really, maybe we should delete the term ‘constructive criticism’ for the better good of all concerned.
Those of us who are taking steps forward are going to receive negative commentary. Recently I spoke at a women’s event. The attendees were encouraged to fill out an evaluation sheet on each speaker and other aspects of the event. Everyone involved was a lay person doing the best they could to make this an opportunity to help women’s hearts heal. Each speaker had a message that had been prayed for and prayed over. We had been praying together for close to six months. The event went exceptionally well and we knew God had come close and changed lives. Over forty women responded to the message of Christ. Many were from recovery groups and there was a strong almost tangible presence of God. I was blessed to be part of that.
A few weeks after the event I attended the appreciation dinner. We were given an opportunity to talk, and we all did. I shared briefly about my topic, Pain and Healing, and about Norma from an earlier sister event. There was an audible gasp when I mentioned her worry stone with the word, Joy, on it. After the sharing, we were given a stack of evaluations written by the women who attended our individual sessions. I didn’t know the women in my workshop other than two friends. That night as I read the evaluations, all looked well and good until I came to this not-so-stellar evaluation.
Felt like she needed to be a little bit more upbeat–slow moving–and was a little insensitive in something she said–sorry, just being honest–holes in her testimony 🙁
That was it, all she said. No validation and no encouragement. Being human, after all, I thought back to my talk, which I had recorded and listened to, and tried to ferret out what she was talking about. The other positive evaluations seemed to lessen in value because of that one critical comment. I am sure she meant it as “constructive” but it still felt uncomfortable and made me think ‘why am I doing this?’ Maybe you know the feeling.
A day later I heard from an author friend of mine who had spoken at the same event. It was her second time to speak in public and the first time she ever shared her personal testimony. She read snippets from her book and encouraged the women in their spiritual walks. When she had finished her talk, the women gave her a standing ovation. I was so proud of her, it was such a big step. We sat next to each other during the appreciation dinner and spent the time talking about our writing ministries and what we are overcoming.
For some reason (and now I know why) over dinner I shared with my author friend the challenges of ministering. I told her about three times when I received criticisms that were especially difficult for me: 1) a harsh critique that was sent to me after I was the guest speaker for a women’s retreat, 2) a constructive one-on-one with a member in my church a couple of weeks after I had spoken for the morning worship service, who said that my delivery sounded sort of condescending and 3) the writing coach who said, after I showed her my first 100 page, single spaced manuscript that I had devoted two of my teacher summer vacations to write, “Your writing is the writing of an amateur,” and how that had devastated me and I quit writing for years (I never went back to that manuscript). I shared with her what I learned from each of those situations.
The next day she sent me a private i-message: This is an abbreviated version. It was a very rich dialogue. Used with permission.
Her: . . . You know, we are friends for a reason. I smile. Well, maybe more than one. I smile again. We are both writers. And what hit me hard, Norma, is when you told me you spoke and then received the letter of criticism from the group. I really felt your pain. . . . Then, you mentioned you spent two whole summers on whatever your were working on, when more time could have been spent with the children. Was it all in vain? Norma, I received great reviews–but I also got two bad reviews. One said that I didn’t make myself vulnerable and that I appeared to be a phony. I immediately thought of you and your letter.
I just want you to know that I love you and I love your commitment to writing. I believe that this love is coming from God, Himself, telling both of us that He is proud of us for even wanting to place our thoughts in print. Speaking about being vulnerable, we have really placed ourselves in a vulnerable position, opening ourselves up to criticism from another.
Me: Your words are precious to me. Some criticism drives deep. I had one critical evaluation in my stack. . . .What critical words have done to me is they have made me cautious. Now I always ask God to help me in these areas. If we aren’t careful, critical words can make us hesitant to ever speak again.
When I first started sharing as God’s messenger, I asked Him to show me the areas in my life that need improving. When I am attacked or criticized, I ask Him to show me what part of it is true, that I need to work on, and what is just the other person’s opinion, that I need to let go of. I’ve never been a confident person, very self-critical, so I have to cling to the cross and believe in the better good that can be accomplished. Go out with joy, the Word says. I love you too, more each time I see you. . . I’m always thankful for our visits. Bless you, my friend. You are special to me. Thank you for encouraging me.
Her: What this has shown me is to be sure to be there to critique, perhaps, but not to give your personal opinion. There was one letter, genuinely from the heart, and I received what she gave me. The two mentioned above were just opinions, and they were cruel as well. Yet, I think, perhaps I, too, have been cruel in evaluating a speaker I don’t know anything about.
Norma, we are being deeply chiseled in our own being–God is working out within us, a new work. Interesting, also, if I were given those two above comments ten years ago, I would have completely shut down. I know I would have. We are becoming stronger. . . The new work in us is a blessing. I did have a critical spirit and realized it, by being on the receiving end, how so very wrong it is. That thought brought me peace: I can glean and then, become clean–in God’s Holy Word… Amen!
Me: The new work in us is a blessing. But I find myself still wondering about it, which I really shouldn’t. I keep wanting validation when the validation should be found in being given the opportunity.
I struggle with a critical spirit as well. . .even though I desire to be accepting and loving. One way I’ve been facing this is by praying for the person or other as soon as the critical thought comes to mind. I ask God to bless them and help them. It happens in church more than I care to admit. So some people are getting a lot more prayer than they used to. Ha! It’s that sense of disapproval that I don’t like in me or in receiving it from others. I have one friend who will always make a negative comment. It doesn’t matter where or when. It’s maddening and deflates the mood/energy. I have learned to not encourage it. . .and that helps.
God bless you. Lovely talk today! Amen!
Her: Thank you, Norma for being my praying friend. . .
Check out 1 Corinthians 2:10-16 and Philippians 1:6. My author friend shared these verses with me.
There you have it. And, so we see, God even uses critical comments to make us wise–when we let Him. I’m so glad.
What do you think? When has a critical comment been used to your advantage?
What would be a better phrase to use than ‘constructive criticism’ for making a valid point?
