One of the weirdest things happened when I had my stroke three years ago…I tried, but couldn’t, pray. My mind wouldn’t focus. I couldn’t keep my thoughts in one place, together. I’d start to pray but my mind wouldn’t, couldn’t focus for more than a few seconds. That was quite frustrating. Before that, I had gotten to where I would take a long precious time in prayer, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t. I wanted to. I tried to. But the words and thoughts weren’t there. It was a struggle.

You know, when you can’t pray your life feels empty. The problem was my mind couldn’t think rationally or for very long. I loved praying but I no longer could. Prayer is such a strong part of a Christian’s life. We are fortunate that God has given us a way to speak to and with him. Thankfully I can pray now. But not as well or as completely as I used to. Prayer is a way of speaking to God. It is beautiful when we are given the time and effort to spread our wings and reach up to the heaven with our words, like we say in a prayer. God hears us.

Twelve or so years ago I decided to look beyond my protestant faith to see what I would find. I knew what I believed but I was afraid of what I didn’t believe or accept as worthy of my Christian belief. I read Chesterton, some priests, other people of the faith, Saint John of the cross etc. which practiced a different form of belief than I did. I did a search in the Christian realm but not just of one’s I completely agreed with. I was totally shocked by what I found. I talked with an Anglican priest, I talked at length with an Trappist priest, I read many books which are not protestant in dogma. I spent a year visiting a Trappist monestary one hour per week I was blessed through the circle I participated in. God spoke to me.

I learned that it matters what your heart believes. I came away from the different authors with a realization that we may differ on many things but the belief about our Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is what is critical. What does the Father do? What is the Son responsible for? What does the Holy Spirit mean to us? Each one of these has a direct plan to do and be what they are responsible for in our lives. They work together and yet they have separate parts to play in our lives.

When I pray I am basically talking to my heavenly Father although the others are present. I picture him in the room with me. I imagine he is with me when I talk to him. Sometimes I address him as I talk to him. I imagine he is standing next to me on my right side. God is there. God knows what I am saying, thinking, and doing. He speaks to me. Sometimes I am aware of his presence. How so? I completely shut down and think and listen. His words are not one I can hear, but I still know what he has to say to me. But it takes some doing, his words speak in my mind. Slowly and preciously I can discern what he is saying. His words are precious, quiet, and measured.

I ask God to cleanse my heart before I speak to him. I don’t want my actions or negative words to cause disruption between us. I get as quiet as I can before I listen, wait, think, praise, and give myself to him, for I don’t want to hinder my prayer. Sometimes it takes a good while until my heart is ready. I wait and listen. I talk quietly, and wait, and talk some more. I repeat the process, waiting, listening, and talking.

There are times when God seems quiet, but he’s not. He may not make himself known to you, but he is listening. He may seem far away, but he is not. He hears you. There is a lot of reasons for why God does what he does that I don’t understand, but I know he loves me and he loves you even when he doesn’t make his presence known to us. If you have a chance today, take some by-yourself-time to seek our Lord and wait for him to minister to you. It’s a precious and holy time. Well worth the time it takes, you’ll find out.

Please let me know how it’s going and what God is teaching you.