I was free. I was sad. I was happy. I was perplexed. I was thankful. I was angry but more hurt than angry. I was forging a new path. I waited. I wondered. I forged on. I didn’t know what came next. I tried my level best. I was also disheartened. I was forty-six.

I didn’t have a career job, but I wanted one, and was striving for one. I didn’t want any job though. I wanted a teaching job. I interviewed for one, two, three and so forth. But I didn’t get them. I asked myself many questions. I wanted to find my groove but couldn’t. In fact, I interviewed for three jobs the week my daughter was born. A few more came my way, but I didn’t get chosen. I got some temporary jobs that helped out. There came a point where I decided to let it go. I wanted to teach but it didn’t seem as if God was in it.

I sat down on the divan. I lit a candle. The room was peaceful. I asked God what I should do. I was listening. I couldn’t figure it out but I wanted to. The room was quiet. It was just him and me. I waited. Eventually, after much prayer, the Lord spoke to me in his inaudible voice. First, he gave me the same message, Trust Me. He had always given me that message. Then he whispered that he was still with me. I decided to go outside and walk in the orchard.

Then God spoke again to me. It was inaudible yet I knew he was talking to me. I saw my heart bleeding. Then I saw a cross that was entering where my heart was bleeding. The cross was like a sword. I drew it on my journal paper. Then the cross stood upright and alone. I cried the cries of a broken heart for a short while. Then they stopped. I breathed deeply. Eventually, God gave me a thought for each of my children.

Quote…

‘Take away the burden of living it, put joy in its place. Transform this heart of mine. I want to live life abundant in you. Help me to choose honesty in all situations. (I want) sunshine in my soul. How shall I think toward R? in faith, believing. How? I am the God of the impossible. I can make all things new.

Josh? Listen to him.

LaVonne? Pray for her.

Thomas? Teach him.

Forrest? Love him.

Glorianne? Take time for her.

Randy? Support him. How? Seek my will. What is your will? To make all things new. The old marriage is dead, but joy comes in the morning.‘

Then I wrote the following…

‘Since near the beginning I have not had trust and I have learned to love without the comfort and security of faithful oneness. I have longed for it.The people (couples) that have close fellowship and fidelity in all things with their mates have the key ingredient for longevity in marriage. I wonder if I will ever be the participant in such a union of ‘oneness’. Regardless of all this, I will thank the Lord. He has been with me and blessed me continually. His love outpours when I need it most. I will praise him! Glory to his name. Thank you Jesus. Fill my innermost being with your presence; bless me and my relationships. Guard me from the deceit of temptation. Guide me in your will for me. Speak your truth to me. Help me to listen well. Expand my influence for you. Be my Lord in every avenue of my life~including my wants and desires, thoughts and actions. I am ready to listen and do. Remove the fear of man from my self-perceptions. It has caused me to hold back throughout my 47 years. Help me to accept the person I am, that you made as complete, not lacking any good thing. Heal my innermost hurts that hamper my judgement and thinking. Release (me). Push through the shyness.’ I wrote my thoughts like a prayer and meant them.

I was on the right path now. People were praying for me, the kids, and my erring husband. I knew he was gone and gone for good. He made it clear to me. I remember talking to Millie, a good friend of mine, and she said that she wouldn’t have stayed in the marriage if her husband wanted out. In fact, her first marriage ended because of that very thing. The divorce was a few days away. There were a few things to finish up, like the divorce language, but basically we were about ready for the divorce to be completed. The day I picked up the divorce legality, I knew it was done. My siblings sent me a bouquet and some kind words. I felt down. I had tried so hard, but I knew it was over. Now I had to think about my next steps. I had to tell my tax accountant, my church family, a few friends, and eventually where I worked.

Unfortunately, I was trying to make sense of it, but not doing it well. I was emotional, very emotional. I had tried so hard, for 21 years, but it had never been enough. Yet God had a plan for me and the children (ages 4 – 18). Later on, I would understand and take it to heart. I want you to know that God doesn’t waste anything. The divorce was painful, but he was there. Every time I was discouraged, God brought someone into my life who encouraged me. In fact, one of my friends had almost been killed by her mother but God rescued her. I was out of work for almost a year and then God brought me back to the same school. It was really amazing. My pastor was a great help. He helped me see things I was unable to see. I worked in the church with a greater understanding. He told the church about our marriage breakup, but he was so kind and gracious in how he did it. I am so glad he was.

Next week I will finish this series. I’m thankful that the divorce was long ago. It’s rather hard to bring it back now, in that so much time has gone past…but I have my journals and I’m in a much healthier state.

God is beautiful!

We split up. We managed. We tried to make sense of it all. I didn’t understand. I had tried so hard. At some point you have to give up, especially when you are backed into a corner and have no say. The picture I am putting up is on my 50th birthday. That’s 21 Years ago. Wow! Life is a lot easier now. I’m so glad it is. Neither of us has remarried.

I wanted to tell you about Joshua, a freshman up at Western Baptist College (now Corban University). After Randy called him, he went off by himself. He cried. He couldn’t be with the other students. My two brother-in-laws went to the college and joined him. They talked and commiserated. They were so caring. By phone my other kids talked with him at some point. I heard LaVonne crying while she talked with him. I was grateful that my brother-in-laws helped my son navigate the terrible moments when he found out. When he came home Joshua was brave, comforting, and caring. I am thankful for him and the way he helped us make the best of a family woe.

LaVonne was upset and angry. She felt like she didn’t have a family anymore. She helped the younger kids as best she could, yet her anger got in the way. She needed some time. The kids talked about the split. Before the separation they thought our family was different than most families. We cared. We weren’t divorced. Now we seemed like those around them (in public school). It was a confusing way to finish your last year of public school. I wasn’t much of a help. I was hurting, and wondering, and confused.

Thomas was quiet. After a few weeks he and I had a long talk about it all. We were outside by the clothesline. He said he didn’t mind the split but he did comment about his dad. His words, “Dad doesn’t need to get the marriage back together but he needs to get his life back in a close relationship with God.” That was pretty wise for a fifteen year old, and I know he meant it.

Forrest was hurt. He spoke about the split during the time I was fixing dinner. That was our time when we were alone without the other kids. He told me that he told his friends why he had been so quiet lately. He told them that his parents had split and he was quiet because he couldn’t talk about it. He seemed to take it badly, and I worried about him. He was younger. I felt for him. I didn’t know what to do for him.

Glorianne was impacted in a different way. She was preschool age. She would come into the bedroom and talk about when her dad would come back. She’d ask me when he was going to come back. I let her talk but I didn’t give many answers. She would ask LaVonne as well. LaVonne could tell her more directly. Her voice would be tearful. I tried my best, but there wasn’t much I could say that could make it better.

The months after we split were hard for me. I could not accept being alone. More than angry, I was hurt, deeply hurt and wounded. I’d been fighting it, being set aside, for many years. In a sense, I was relieved but still hurt. He had a girlfriend, which made it harder for me. In fact, Joshua went to the bowling alley with a date, but he saw his dad’s car there and left. He didn’t want to see his dad with a girl. It just was awkward.

My former husband settled down in Paradise then in Oroville in the Thermalito area. His sister decided to leave her marriage too. Her third daughter would come over and visit me. She encouraged me, which meant a lot to me. For many years after the divorce we could barely talk. He later sued me for the predominant custodial rights, which he got. Exactly 18 months later, Glorianne decided to come back to live with me. When the kids become teens they have the most say. Unfortunately, because she was so young, she can’t remember us being married.

Divorce is ugly. It is strange but I remember that I realized it in our first week of marriage, it was going to be hard. I couldn’t get close to my mate. For twenty-one years it had been tremendously difficult. But the kids (except L.) didn’t know it. We didn’t bicker. We didn’t fight. My hope was only a hope. I believed that marriage was for good. One thing I did, that brought some things I didn’t understand, was I kept the problems to myself. I didn’t talk about the difficult things in our marriage. I remember when I closed up, I decided I wouldn’t say negative things about my husband. I wasn’t perfect, and like I said last week, I had many advantages over him. The whole thing is just sad.

I left a lot out of my synopsis of our marriage. I am thankful I am not bitter anymore. I am happy. I am content. I try to make peace with others when I need to. I learned to take whatever and make it nice. Time has helped me. I dated, but I decided to let it go as well. God has made me into a different sort of person than when I was married. I am more content, peaceful, blessed, giving, helpful and caring. The bulk of this writing was about my children for they were impacted greatly by the divorce. They are all grown up now. LaVonne has seven children and is married to Shane. Glorianne is married to Mitch. The boys have not married. I love them all. I think they all are doing well. My grown children are cautious and considerate. Only the youngest one lives in town. I am blessed. God has been good to me.

The years came and went. There were happy moments. There were sad moments. We kept pushing on. We had two more children. I learned a lot during those years. My sister died, which was terribly hard. My husband kept changing jobs, which was difficult for me and the family. We didn’t have much money or nice furniture. I went to school. I tried to get a teaching job. I’d interview but the jobs didn’t come. I continued to take coursework. There was more required than there had been. I kept pushing. To be honest, I really didn’t want to work but I needed to. I just knew my mate could leave me again. I wanted to be ready just in case.

My father had a 40 acre walnut orchard on the farm where he lived. He surprised me when he offered the orchard to me to farm. He and I would split the dollar amount the orchard produced. I was quite surprised. I started farming the orchard just after my fifth child was born. The first year my cousin helped us with the orchard…which was a good thing. Then after, he always helped with the tractoring. The kids and I moved the pipe for the irrigation, sprayed the weeds, pruned the trees, and kept the walnut orchard functioning. We did this for exactly twenty years. My oldest daughter and second son desired to get their education at BIOLA, so the orchard income helped. BIOLA is a private university which means big bucks. The orchard income helped with some of their college bills. My kids learned the work and how to work. But I digress.

My husband decided to move out of our home early in the year 2002. This time I had no choice. We had really failed to have a rich and rewarding home life although I can truthfully say I really and truthfully tried. And, I think, my mate tried in his own way. My oldest child, Josh, was away at college in Oregon that year. He was told (more in next week’s post), and my daughter, LaVonne, cried (more in next week’s post). She was in her senior year. Thomas was fifteen, Forrest was in fifth or sixth grade and Glorianne was in preschool. I was teaching part-time in the Hamilton Elementary School. I kept the news to myself at work. I didn’t think I could talk about it without crying and I was a fairly private person. The same week my husband left, the principle at the school told me my part-time job would end come summer. I was completely bummed. I’d worked so hard too secure the employment but simply it didn’t matter.

By then we had moved to the property where the orchard was planted. My parents had moved to their property in Capay. I managed by working in the orchard and continued my classwork. I thought it would be best if I continued to work as a classroom teacher. Fortunately I knew the reading specialist at Hamilton was going to retire. It worked out. She retired and I interviewed for the job. I got the job. It’s weird to think of now. Those were some trying times. You see, I still loved my husband, even though he didn’t love me (though I believed he did, just wasn’t sure he did). I remember when he told me that he was leaving for good, we both cried. He told me he had tried, and I believed him. I still believe him. He left, and that was that.

It was so sad. My son, Thomas, was at Driver’s Education class. He was told by his father when he was brought home. It was a Sunday. LaVonne and Forrest went outside when Thomas was left by their father. I looked out the window, the three of them had their arms around each other, their heads were bent, and they were crying. It was hard to make sense of. I couldn’t understand how he thought. I went out in the orchard, sat under a tree, and bitterly cried. I didn’t want my kids to see me cry, so I cried where they couldn’t see me. The next few years are a bit of a blur.

It would be best if I told you why I tried so hard. You see, I had the good parents, the strong parenting, the better home by far. My mate had been raised in such a different zone than I had. He hadn’t been raised by a mother that cared. His father was not able to show him the way to be a strong father. They both cheated. The kids knew about their cheating (that’s all I will say but there’s more). He became a Christian when he was in the army. He’d not been raised with what I had been. If the roles were reversed, I would want and wish for a stable mate.

I’m going to tell you a few of the moments that will make sense to you. You learn a lot those times when you’re going through some things that are hard. It takes time to sort your feelings from your reality. I am going to share a couple of those times in my next post.

As I said, I learned a lot. God teaches us when we are willing to listen. We can’t tell God what to do. We can try but it tends to be in our own effort. I was hurt, but not broken. God had so much to teach me. I learned to listen, to sort, to throw away that which didn’t make sense, and keep that which did. I couldn’t change the situation. I couldn’t make it easier for my kids, though I wanted to. I couldn’t make my husband, or the school, want me. I was on empty. Totally on empty. But God had much he wanted to show me. He held me up. He held my kids up. He taught us. He helped us. He brought friends into our lives. He taught me to wait, to listen, to learn, to make his way clear. I had much to learn, and learn I did. But most of all, I learned to trust in God.

to be continued