“I see a pattern looking back years…share and fall apart a little more, then a new normal comes and I share a little more and fall a part again until a new normal and repeat and repeat.”  Her words shouted out at me. I’d been in a similar spot in my own life. There are times you can hardly pull yourself up by your bootstraps. In fact, you may well can’t. That’s where God comes in.

JUST PLAIN SCARED

The conversation continues.

_______

October 14, 20**
10/14, 4:03pm

Me:  Hi Emily, Just checking in. My day has been okay. Worked in the yard. Needed it badly. Decided to not write today. I did submit my review for Jennifer. I wrote it a week ago and was waiting until this week. I have been praying that you will be delivered of your painful memories. Going to a volleyball game in a few minutes. My daughter’s friends.

10/14, 4:32pm

Emily:  I’ve dashed out the door after a 10 hr work day and 2 hrs homework with son to head out to a qrtly sent for MK. Thanks for checking in. Been a crazy day!

I’ll breath again tomorrow I think

10/14, 7:04pm

Me: Amazing!

10/14, 7:04pm

Emily: Heading home…

10/14, 8:05pm

Emily: Lab work has all come back for me and I’m back in business. Previous deficiencies have been corrected and I’m back within avg ranges. I shouldn’t stroke out at any moment any longer

10/14, 8:08pm

Me:  That’s good it’s normal now.

10/14, 8:08pm

Emily:  Ya…whatever normal is

10/14, 8:10pm

Me:  Really, ain’t that the truth!

__________

October 18, 20**

10/18, 7:09pm

Me:  Oops. Did I let the cat out of the bag? The thot just came to me that I should have kept quiet. Read what I said after your post. I don’t know if I can remove it.

10/18, 7:11pm

Emily:  what cat? what bag?

I’ve been reading and re-reading ur response trying to figure out what u mean. not sure how my story makes or breaks this book…it can stand well on its own

10/18, 7:21pm

Emily:  I’m also a lil confused by ‘we’…

10/18, 7:23pm

Me:  Many parts make one whole. Each element has something for someone who has a different experience. I don’t think it is an accident that your story is there. God’s providential will.

10/18, 7:28pm

Me:  I was trying to make a point about voices and being spiritually prepared before speaking out. I feel a little nervous (for them). I don’t want women feeling “less than” because they don’t have something to say. It’s what concerns me. I used to feel that way, and it was true.

10/18, 7:30pm

Emily:  i agree this is all God’s will…reading it myself I’m even wondering how I was able to write/share so vividly and vulnerably, but i know in the moment of it all i was being obedient.

10/18, 7:31pm

Me:  Yes. Good.

10/18, 7:33pm

Emily:  i wasn’t forced to write this and i know its all part of my healing process

10/18, 7:33pm

Me:  True. He is the potter we are the clay

10/18, 7:34pm

Emily:  each time i share a little more vulnerably i seem to struggle

10/18, 7:35pm

Me:  I’ve experienced it too.

10/18, 7:35pm

Emily:  i see a pattern looking back years…share and fall apart a lil more, then a new normal comes and i share a lil more and fall a part again until a new normal and repeat and repeat

writing this has been a HUGE GINORMOUS step outside my comfort zone. previously when i’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in these tough areas i’ve had a support system believing in me while i couldn’t

that’s not the case this time

10/18, 7:37pm

Me:  Does it depend on who you’re sharing it with?

10/18, 7:37pm

Emily:  I’m churchless and alone

no…i only share when i feel prodded to by the Holy Spirit

10/18, 7:40pm

Me:  That is a big deficit. I agree. I need my church family so much. They support me in prayer. I feel my spiritual successes are their successes. You have me for the a little support. I pray for you almost every day.

10/18, 7:42pm

Emily:  i started just sharing individually one on one when the person who was sharing with me in a way that i felt led as an encouragement and eventually led to sharing testimony in front of audiences…which has now led to writing this

its been years in the making

i don’t mean to minimize ur prayers…they r def a big part of what’s keeping me going day in and day out…but is it bad of me to want someone to hold hands and pray together with? or give me hug on a tough day?

without your prayers and so many others i’m fairly certain i wouldn’t still be here for u to talk to though

10/18, 7:49pm

Me:  I’ve grown quite fond of you, like a grown daughter. I think we are quite different in personality and I often don’t know what to say. But it’s not because I don’t want to help. Three mornings in a row I was awakened early by the Lord to pray for you. There is a big spiritual battle going on. You can’t fight it alone.

10/18, 7:50pm

Emily:  i totally agree and yet i feel so all alone

pray right now…something isn’t right. my parents left 3 hrs ago to drive home 2 hrs and i haven’t heard from them…I’ve texted and called both home and cell numbers and can’t reach them

10/18, 7:51pm

Me:  Ok. Let me know when you hear.

10/18, 7:53pm

Emily:  all this after my son comes in to say his hearing isn’t right…he’s got significant hearing loss already. a little over a year ago he dropped a bunch again and we were just in last month where he was diagnosed as staying stable, but he’s noticed a change again tonight. i will call pediatrician in the morning to take him into urgent care to make sure there isn’t any ear wax clogging anything up and then schedule with his audiologist for another hearing test.

10/18, 7:54pm

Emily:  he’s in tears about the possibility of going deaf

and i don’t know how to console that kind of loss on top of his NEVER having any sight

so we sit…we pray…we cry…then i try to distract him and we laugh and i try to reassure him by remaining calm myself and explaining there’s nothing to get concerned about until we can see the professionals and know what we are really dealing with

10/18, 7:59pm

Me:  My heart goes out to him. What a big worry. It seems too terrible. You are brave with him.

10/18, 8:01pm

Emily:  they got home safe…stopped to shop on way home without mentioning any of this to us…crazy kids!

10/18, 8:03pm

Me:  Good. That’s a relief. I’m signing off for now. Have to listen to a video. I’m taking a class to come up to speed on marketing. Give your son an extra hug for me when you get a chance. GN

10/18, 8:04pm

Emily:  nite

__________

October 19, 20**

10/19, 6:11pm

Me:  So, Emily, do you want or be stretched some more? Just kidding…sort of… I have a blog I’ve written about God waking me up to pray (for you). I don’t say anything that would indicate who you are or how come I know you except that we are in an internet group together, but I do quote the part of the conversation where you say “I’m scared.” Then I share my response and talk some about my desire to support you. I don’t say anything that’s weird or unpleasant or about you or your son but I only want to post it if you’re ok with it. If not. No problem. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I think it is interesting how God is working.

10/19, 6:15pm

Emily:  I’ll read it

Maybe not tonight…

I’ve had a headache the last couple hours.

10/19, 6:27pm

Me:  It’s sitting in a draft. I’d have to email it or post it up. We can deal with it later. I hope you feel better soon. I’m sort of not feeling well either.

10/19, 6:28pm

Emily:  U can email . . .

10/19, 7:57pm

Emily:  u there?

10/19, 11:56pm

Emily:  Up praying for that miracle for my son!!!

__________

October 20, 20**

10/20, 9:08am

Me:  I think I have the flu. I’ll send you the email this afternoon. Want to rest now. I will join you in praying for a miracle. Wouldn’t that be cool!

10/20, 10:21am

Emily:  Feel better

10/20, 5:46pm

Me:  I sent it. Am feeling better

10/20, 7:51pm

Emily:  Glad ur feeling better. I just go home and will take a look now

10/20, 7:52pm

Me:  If you don’t like it, feel free to say you’d rather I’d not post it

10/20, 8:15pm

Emily:  Read it…like it…feel free to post it. Ty for running it past me though

And glad ur feeling better

I’m praying for some sleep tonight as we were up for a while last night with sons ears

10/20, 9:43pm

Me:  Thanks. I’m praying that when God heals Isaac’s ears, that a warmth will cascade like a healing stream. One of my sons has a hearing disability, CAPD, an auditory processing disorder. But it is minor compared to what your son is experiencing. Glad you two have the Lord. ….Sleep like a baby.

[Link to post here.]

10/20, 9:45pm

Emily:  Can’t sleep.

10/20, 10:01pm

Me:  Bummer. Read something boring.

__________

October 21, 20**

10/21, 3:52am

Emily:  Urs prayer must’ve worked.

10/21, 8:20am

Me:  God is good.

10/21, 8:26am

Emily:  All the time

10/21, 8:45am

Emily:  can i ask u a question bout ur blog post?

10/21, 8:51am

Me:  Am I in trouble? Ask away

10/21, 8:52am

Emily:  No…not at all…just curious bout ur perspective of things

10/21, 8:52am

Me:  Ok

10/21, 8:54am

Emily:  what would u like to know? seems from the beginning of ur post that u think i’ve not shared much

i chuckle to myself though cuz from where i’m sitting i feel like i’ve been so vulnerable…it was just this eye opening perspective on things for me

a good eye opening perspective…don’t get me wrong…just def different than my own point of view

i truly am an open book for anyone who wishes to know anything

10/21, 9:03am

Me:  Sort of true. But, you don’t have to tell me. At first you seemed a mess. Angry and bitter, but also discouraged and frustrated. And why should you tell me anything, you don’t know me? And trust is earned. I saw some seeds of self-pity (or self-focus) that I wouldn’t respond to because it wouldn’t help u face your stuff. I want you to be healthy. I haven’t reread your story. I need to. Because at the time I was just looking for highlights for Jennifer like key phrases, not so much thinking of the stories. I never asked you for details. Didn’t want them. Felt you would share them if you wanted me to know more. I just want God to heal you of your memories. I see this as a big need in you because you aren’t whole until that happens. Now I’m the one being frank!

10/21, 9:09am

Emily:  i don’t mind frank…actually kinda prefer it

10/21, 9:13am

Me:  Ok

10/21, 9:14am

Emily:  may i ask bout ur sis?

10/21, 9:14am

Me:  Sure

10/21, 9:14am

Emily:  what happened?

10/21, 9:17am

Me:  Suicide. She was depressed. Isolated herself. Was successful and amazing. Very caring. Stopped believing in God, started hanging out with ppl who are ungodly. Think God was always calling her name. But, she couldn’t seem to return. I think she had been used by her male relationships and it hurt deeply.

10/21, 9:18am

Emily:  im sorry

10/21, 9:18am

Me:  I loved her so much.

10/21, 9:19am

Emily:  i believe it

10/21, 9:20am

Me:  My family has been a stoic German type. Feelings were not expressed. I do think it factored in. I made a choice to not be that way after we lost Lois.

They mean well. It’s a philosophy, that you don’t air your dirty laundry. But it makes ppl false at times.

10/21, 9:23am

Emily:  i get it…similar to being raised in a pastor’s family where u had to act as if, even if not

life’s FULL of masks

10/21, 9:23am

Me:  Yes. Exactly.

10/21, 9:24am

Emily:  still hard for me to live real and authentic in my own family even if its how I’m living my life today

10/21, 9:28am

Me:  I think churches should be more like AA meetings. Families too. Genuine acceptance, warts and all. I get what you ‘re saying. Believe it or not, I still get anxious for parental approval. Try not to. It causes me to distance myself. I don’t like rigid beliefs. They’re at the age I need to get over it!

10/21, 9:31am

Me:  Gonna stop now. Time for prayer. Then make up for taking time off being sick, got behind. Blessings dear, Emily. Praying for two healings, yours and Isaac’s.

10/21, 9:34am

Emily:  k…thx

10/21, 9:43am

Me:  I thank God for you. HAGD

10/21, 9:44am

Emily:  HAGD?

and seriously don’t know why…seems I’m kinda a pain

10/21, 9:48am

Me:  Have a good day.

10/21, 9:48am

Emily:  gotchya

10/21, 7:29pm

Emily:  I’ve had a really long day and all I wanna do is cry myself to sleep

10/21, 8:28pm

Me:  Bad huh?or just tired?

10/21, 8:32pm

Emily:  Yes and yes

10/21, 8:34pm

Me:  Icky. Need a relaxing bath. Or light a candle. I love candles. Yankee candles are my favorite.

10/21, 8:35pm

Emily:  sounds nice…if only i had the time

10/21, 8:35pm

Me:  Yes. You work hard.

10/21, 8:39pm

Emily:  missed a mtg tonight cuz sons homework

10/21, 8:40pm

Me:  Yes. Do what ya have to do.

10/21, 8:40pm

Emily:  the frustrating part is that its stuff son could have done this weekend, but didn’t mention it until he’s on his way out the door this AM to catch the bus

10/21, 8:45pm

Me:  Well. I hear ya. Been down that road and back

10/21, 8:46pm

Emily:  i know id feel better if i just cried…but the tears won’t come

10/21, 8:46pm

Me:  Well. Slice an onion

10/21, 8:47pm

Emily:  don’t have any…but that reminds me…i haven’t had a meal all day

gonna go find something to eat and see if i can get some sleep

10/21, 8:48pm

Me:  Ok. Take care

__________

I could identify with Emily’s statement. Yes, it is that way sometimes. We think we’re getting it together and moving on past the hurt when, wham! we go down for the count and will ourselves to get up again. There has to be a better way, we think to ourselves. Yes, there is. We must focus our gaze on Christ, on Him more than anything else.

People will help us. Books will guide us. But Christ is the answer. He will use those other resources in blend with His divine enabling and instruction. But this is a process, and it takes a continual seeking and relying on Christ. Tired? Scared? Say Jesus’ name for a few minutes. Jesus. Jesus. Then slowly, J-e-s-u-s. Think on His glorious love. Let Him enter in. Welcome Him in. Embrace His warmth and forgiveness. His peace will come. It comes slowly and delightfully.

__________

LINKS

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