A Look Back

A new year is here. We look at what is ahead of us. We’re kind of excited but we’re uncertain as well. On my next birthday I will join the group of seventy-somethings. I can hardly believe it. It’s like my life has been lived in walled off sections. There were the first years, starting in Southern California, then a move to Northern California. Working on the farm. Making crafts, sewing clothes, singing in trios with my sisters, in choir, and performing in West Germany while in high school. Next I went to a private college in Oregon (many stories from those years) and graduated, My life took a turn and I married, moved and grew, became a teacher, then program specialist, and then a writer. I became a mother of five, and was divorced after twenty-one (troubling) years. The years were both fun-filled and heart-wrenching, but I worked hard to keep it all as good as I could.

Spiritually, I kept striving forward, even during the very difficult days. God was my Rock. He kept me close during the good and bad days. He held me up when I sinking and could not find a way out. I loved being a mom. I tried my hardest to be a good mom. I also tried to be a good wife, That didn’t work out so well. Most of the years we were married, my mate wanted out. I couldn’t accept his view. I didn’t believe Christians should be unfaithful and divorce. You can imagine the trouble it made. We saw the act of marriage from two different viewpoints. Of course, we kept our opinions to ourselves, which made the distress much greater when it occurred. I’m not going to say much about our marriage other than it was hard on all of us and still impacts us in curious ways today.

A Look Forward

As I look forward I realize there is much to look forward to…although it is a much quieter life. Right now I’m in Florida with four of my five adult children. I enjoy my grown-children and am more of an encourager than a participant. There are seven grandchildren.. They’re all so busy and loving life. Yesterday we went to the white sandy beach on the coast of Florida. No one could go in the surf deeper than their knees because the wind was making the waves sort of scary. Clouds in the pure blue sky were lovely. Thomas (my second son) and Titus (my oldest grandchild) were busy hunting wildflowers to take pictures of them. Some made a sandcastle, a real beaut. Then they all joined in a big circle and tossed a Frisbee back and forth. I’m so glad for the life they have, and it is a good life. My three single sons are busy with work (Josh-Montana, Thomas-Texas, and Forrest-Florida). Best of all was seeing each one of them and my daughter and her family.

When I look forward now, I can see that what I have to offer is more in the depth kind of wishes. I spend a considerable amount of time reading God’s Word. God has much to teach me, I study and am amazed. I contemplate. What does God mean when He says thus and so. There is much He wants to teach, if I will but take the time to read and listen. For God has a way of talking to us when we take the time to honor and listen to Him. About a year ago I was discouraged. I was unhappy that my life had changed because of my stroke. And the diabetes was a double stamp of trouble. I struggled. I complained a bit. I also was going through my grandparents stuff, mainly letters and paper things from both sides. There seemed to be no end in sight. I decided to read a few of the letters. I gained an understanding of the part they played in my life. Every person had a part to play, As You and I look forward to the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, we will meet obstacles, hardships, pleasant moments and joy-filled days and unforseen obstacles we haven’t encountered yet…but God knows and will keep us headed in the right direction. We may not know the right way, but He does. That brings me comfort.

But Really, Look at Today

One thing I know is that we have today. Each day God gives to us is a day of promise. He promises to be with us, to help us, to lead us, to make things clear to us, to lift us up, to carry us a long, to sustain us, to provide for us, to minister to us, to dry our tears, to keep us trudging along even when we”d rather quit, to make us into an exceptional rose with high value and a ever fervent scent, someone who is judiciously remarkable in His kingdom. We smile at someone, and they are blessed. We stand up for a right thing, and someone else is blessed. We help someone, and they are blessed by our offer. We share our faith and someone notices. We make someone smile…we pull a weed…we comb our hair, and then theirs…we make a dinner, and then share it with someone, we sweep our sidewalk and do our neighbors next…and so forth.

But most of all we can pray. It helps when you make your prayer more than the same one that you did yesterday. There are so many different things we can pray for that are way beyond our ordinary lists. The things we complain about we can turn around by praying for them. Our problems and sins will do well when we pray for them. Praise God in your prayers, which is unbelievably uplifting. Thank Him for the many, many blessings that you and others have been given. Open your heart to His voice. He will bless you abundantly. Thank Him for the multiple blessings He has brought to you and your family. Be gracious for all the various nuances He affords to you time and time again. For example, look at the sky, thank Him for the air that you breathe, the clouds and/or the rain that refreshes the earth. Just think of all the blessings you can than God for regarding your body and things like that. It amazes.

However, What Does It All Mean?

We should learn and we must learn. If all we do is sit and watch television or watch videos on our computer we are wasting the time that God has allowed us to live. We are to be productive for God. And that means more than we were before this day in time. Our circumstances change, like mine did, but we have the capacity to live completely in Him regardless of the way God is directing our path. To be honest, I thought I would have to give up this blog because of my stroke. I was willing to but I didn’t want to. I thought you wouldn’t miss it much. I wasn’t even sure you were reading it, since I rarely see comments. But then, and because of one of my faithful friends (MJB), I realized that my words encourage others.

This is it for today. God bless you. He is able.

I’ve written about this before. We don’t want to talk about it, and we really don’t like to listen to others talk about it. I’m talking about suicide. There’s no easy way to talk about suicide. Unfortunately, suicide comes into many conversations these days. I suppose it’s not surprising with the way our society is spinning out of control. But I’d rather not go there especially now when so much is against us. But this is the month that gives me an appropriate pause, for my sister took her own life in September. My family didn’t expect it nor did they expect how it would change our lives. There’s no going back after a suicide.

Remember Robin William and His Suicide

I’m not a movie buff, but I saw enough of Robin William’s acting to know there was something extraordinary about him and his acting. His will made his suicide became one of those tragic losses you remember and don’t forget, like Princess Di in a car crash and President Kennedy when he was shot. The upset about William’s death left a residual impact on a family, school, community, nation, and world. Suicide has a ripple effect that touches everything in its path.

My Family’s Impact from a Suicide

My family was a devout family of Christian believers. Suicide touched us all. I now rarely think of my sister nor think of how we lost her. It doesn’t take much, though, and my mind hitches a ride back to her death by suicide and exactly how much it affected me and my family. There are no words. I can’t tell you exactly how awful it is to lose your loved one by their own hand. My sister was beautiful, talented, and successful woman. Her life touched many lives. The sorrow of her death almost buried us. Disbelief and sadness engulfed our days as we traveled to Oregon to say goodbye, bury. to her. It’s a terribly harsh thing, even now.

Even My Kids Couldn’t Help but Be Sidelined

My children were also impacted by Lois’s death. She was their ‘fun’ aunt, always bringing them kid-friendly gifts. The oldest ones especially didn’t understand. How could they? My oldest daughter tried to comfort me, which I appreciated more than I can say. And my oldest son was tried and true in his understanding of the situation. We all hurt. We all grieved. We all wished she was still here with us. My parents are now free of her death since they have gone to heaven and are now with their everlasting Savior. I believe Lois is with them. I will always miss her for as long as I live.

Learn and Grow: Never Stop–No Matter What

I have found peace in my own way. About ten years after Lois’s death, I asked God to heal me of the hurt in my heart that was associated with her passing. Eventually, the pain lifted, peace entered, and sorrow lessened. Publicly, I share now since I know it will help others feel less alone in their suffering. At least I can say good things came as a result of her passing. We are more demonstrative that we used to be. We have become more compassionate and understanding, less set in our ways and less rigid. We show more concern and emotion than we did before we lost my sister. We are a changed people. We have learned how God truly uses our past heartaches as a way to bring comfort to others during their times of misfortune.

Here’s a Remarkably Genuine Thought You Can Take with You

God can, will, and wants to help you deal with your problems, troubling stuff, and everything and anything that matters. God is here. He wants to help you. You may feel alone but you are not. The problems may be overwhelming which would be no surprise, but He always welcomes you. I know God will help you. No matter what, he is always with you. God always and abundantly cares. Call out to him. He is so interested in you and your life. You can’t surprise Him. His arms are ready to give you a great big hug. I must tell you, though. He waits till just the right time to answer your call. But don’t worry, he will answer you and at just the right minute.

Until later,

Norma

1976, The Brumbaugh Family. Lois is third from left in the back, I’m in front.

A month ago I came across the words I said at my sister Lois’s memorial service. As I remember her life this year on the month of the anniversary of her passing, I wish to share with you what I said that day.

I still feel this way even after all the intervening years. My family was devastated due to the nature of Lois’s death. Our grief was intense, our shock, immense. I wept while I wrote these words as we traveled to Oregon to say our final goodbye to my sister. My heart lay shattered in a million pieces.

* * *

Verbatim, My Words On that Day.

1993, Memorial Service for Lois Brumbaugh

“I’m Norma, a sister of Lois. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Lois, so I want to share what I feel at this time.

Lois–

You were my friend in the days of dolls and dress-up. Always my little sister and biggest fan. As children, we worked and played together. I was often impressed with how you did things. You always did them well–and with a sincere heart.

I remember the days of piano lessons and singing with my sisters. You had such a beautiful gift with the piano. My love for you was clear. You were always my special little sister.

From my five year vantage point…I felt with you as you went through the experiences of growing up into adulthood. I saw so much in you that was exceptional and good. I’ve been so proud of you and your accomplishments. You achieved, you persevered, you always made friends. You forced yourself beyond intense shyness.

You also struggled. There were some difficult years for our family, when we all dealt with troubling issues. I was aware that you felt these things deeply. It wasn’t easy for you, but you just tried all the harder.

Lois, I want to remember many things about you that I admired. You had real class. You were pretty, kind, witty, smart, compassionate, musical, fun, and great with you nieces and nephews. You were a beautiful person.

Many times you lifted me up with encouraging words and cheery cards. You made me feel that I was important and had something to contribute. How I loved you and still love you.

On this day I just want to say that I wish I could have shared your pain.

I recall our Grandpa Brumbaugh saying that rarely do we hear a sermon about “hope.” It seems to be forgotten. He was right. We need hope. Love and faith are complete when hope is present.

So, Lois– this is my attempt at saying goodbye. My sorrow is great. But I know your presence will be with me and all of us always. We will miss you more than you can know.

I’m looking forward to some bright morning when it is my hope and belief that we will embrace once again in God’s perfect land, and I just can’t wait.

Your loving sister, always,

Norma”

* * *

Then this from the past.

This morning I was reading a manuscript I wrote in 2014 (but never published) from my visits to the Vina Monastery, when I came across a passage regarding the loss of my sister, Lois. It was written in September. At the time, I was remembering and grieving her loss like I always do in September.

At the time of the writing, I was sitting in a tiny chapel and praying. I had just walked past a statue of the Shepherd Boy, David that was erected in memory of a CSUC student who had died from suicide in 1986. The statue was donated by the family in his memory. As always, I felt his family’s pain.

As I was reading this a couple hours ago, tears came to my eyes. I saw Lois again in my mind’s eye. Her graciousness and beauty spoke once again. I hope her life speaks to you.

Gone but not forgotten.

This comes at the end of a lengthy prayer session while contemplating in the silence, as the Spirit whispers to my spirit.

“Your sister, Lois, you always sorrow for her this time of year.”

I do. I miss her. I will always miss her.

“She taught you the meaning of love. She loved well. It hurt her in the end. You can’t have love without me. I was calling her, but she wasn’t listening. She never knew my joy. I wanted her to know my peace and joy. It came too late for her. Lois was a special flower. Vibrant. Beautiful. Lovely. She had a genuine quality about her. She didn’t want to be fake. I used her to touch people. I will still use her through your pen. She will sing again.”

Thank you, dear Jesus. Amen

September, 2014