I was free. I was sad. I was happy. I was perplexed. I was thankful. I was angry but more hurt than angry. I was forging a new path. I waited. I wondered. I forged on. I didn’t know what came next. I tried my level best. I was also disheartened. I was forty-six.

I didn’t have a career job, but I wanted one, and was striving for one. I didn’t want any job though. I wanted a teaching job. I interviewed for one, two, three and so forth. But I didn’t get them. I asked myself many questions. I wanted to find my groove but couldn’t. In fact, I interviewed for three jobs the week my daughter was born. A few more came my way, but I didn’t get chosen. I got some temporary jobs that helped out. There came a point where I decided to let it go. I wanted to teach but it didn’t seem as if God was in it.

I sat down on the divan. I lit a candle. The room was peaceful. I asked God what I should do. I was listening. I couldn’t figure it out but I wanted to. The room was quiet. It was just him and me. I waited. Eventually, after much prayer, the Lord spoke to me in his inaudible voice. First, he gave me the same message, Trust Me. He had always given me that message. Then he whispered that he was still with me. I decided to go outside and walk in the orchard.

Then God spoke again to me. It was inaudible yet I knew he was talking to me. I saw my heart bleeding. Then I saw a cross that was entering where my heart was bleeding. The cross was like a sword. I drew it on my journal paper. Then the cross stood upright and alone. I cried the cries of a broken heart for a short while. Then they stopped. I breathed deeply. Eventually, God gave me a thought for each of my children.

Quote…

‘Take away the burden of living it, put joy in its place. Transform this heart of mine. I want to live life abundant in you. Help me to choose honesty in all situations. (I want) sunshine in my soul. How shall I think toward R? in faith, believing. How? I am the God of the impossible. I can make all things new.

Josh? Listen to him.

LaVonne? Pray for her.

Thomas? Teach him.

Forrest? Love him.

Glorianne? Take time for her.

Randy? Support him. How? Seek my will. What is your will? To make all things new. The old marriage is dead, but joy comes in the morning.‘

Then I wrote the following…

‘Since near the beginning I have not had trust and I have learned to love without the comfort and security of faithful oneness. I have longed for it.The people (couples) that have close fellowship and fidelity in all things with their mates have the key ingredient for longevity in marriage. I wonder if I will ever be the participant in such a union of ‘oneness’. Regardless of all this, I will thank the Lord. He has been with me and blessed me continually. His love outpours when I need it most. I will praise him! Glory to his name. Thank you Jesus. Fill my innermost being with your presence; bless me and my relationships. Guard me from the deceit of temptation. Guide me in your will for me. Speak your truth to me. Help me to listen well. Expand my influence for you. Be my Lord in every avenue of my life~including my wants and desires, thoughts and actions. I am ready to listen and do. Remove the fear of man from my self-perceptions. It has caused me to hold back throughout my 47 years. Help me to accept the person I am, that you made as complete, not lacking any good thing. Heal my innermost hurts that hamper my judgement and thinking. Release (me). Push through the shyness.’ I wrote my thoughts like a prayer and meant them.

I was on the right path now. People were praying for me, the kids, and my erring husband. I knew he was gone and gone for good. He made it clear to me. I remember talking to Millie, a good friend of mine, and she said that she wouldn’t have stayed in the marriage if her husband wanted out. In fact, her first marriage ended because of that very thing. The divorce was a few days away. There were a few things to finish up, like the divorce language, but basically we were about ready for the divorce to be completed. The day I picked up the divorce legality, I knew it was done. My siblings sent me a bouquet and some kind words. I felt down. I had tried so hard, but I knew it was over. Now I had to think about my next steps. I had to tell my tax accountant, my church family, a few friends, and eventually where I worked.

Unfortunately, I was trying to make sense of it, but not doing it well. I was emotional, very emotional. I had tried so hard, for 21 years, but it had never been enough. Yet God had a plan for me and the children (ages 4 – 18). Later on, I would understand and take it to heart. I want you to know that God doesn’t waste anything. The divorce was painful, but he was there. Every time I was discouraged, God brought someone into my life who encouraged me. In fact, one of my friends had almost been killed by her mother but God rescued her. I was out of work for almost a year and then God brought me back to the same school. It was really amazing. My pastor was a great help. He helped me see things I was unable to see. I worked in the church with a greater understanding. He told the church about our marriage breakup, but he was so kind and gracious in how he did it. I am so glad he was.

Next week I will finish this series. I’m thankful that the divorce was long ago. It’s rather hard to bring it back now, in that so much time has gone past…but I have my journals and I’m in a much healthier state.

God is beautiful!

We split up. We managed. We tried to make sense of it all. I didn’t understand. I had tried so hard. At some point you have to give up, especially when you are backed into a corner and have no say. The picture I am putting up is on my 50th birthday. That’s 21 Years ago. Wow! Life is a lot easier now. I’m so glad it is. Neither of us has remarried.

I wanted to tell you about Joshua, a freshman up at Western Baptist College (now Corban University). After Randy called him, he went off by himself. He cried. He couldn’t be with the other students. My two brother-in-laws went to the college and joined him. They talked and commiserated. They were so caring. By phone my other kids talked with him at some point. I heard LaVonne crying while she talked with him. I was grateful that my brother-in-laws helped my son navigate the terrible moments when he found out. When he came home Joshua was brave, comforting, and caring. I am thankful for him and the way he helped us make the best of a family woe.

LaVonne was upset and angry. She felt like she didn’t have a family anymore. She helped the younger kids as best she could, yet her anger got in the way. She needed some time. The kids talked about the split. Before the separation they thought our family was different than most families. We cared. We weren’t divorced. Now we seemed like those around them (in public school). It was a confusing way to finish your last year of public school. I wasn’t much of a help. I was hurting, and wondering, and confused.

Thomas was quiet. After a few weeks he and I had a long talk about it all. We were outside by the clothesline. He said he didn’t mind the split but he did comment about his dad. His words, “Dad doesn’t need to get the marriage back together but he needs to get his life back in a close relationship with God.” That was pretty wise for a fifteen year old, and I know he meant it.

Forrest was hurt. He spoke about the split during the time I was fixing dinner. That was our time when we were alone without the other kids. He told me that he told his friends why he had been so quiet lately. He told them that his parents had split and he was quiet because he couldn’t talk about it. He seemed to take it badly, and I worried about him. He was younger. I felt for him. I didn’t know what to do for him.

Glorianne was impacted in a different way. She was preschool age. She would come into the bedroom and talk about when her dad would come back. She’d ask me when he was going to come back. I let her talk but I didn’t give many answers. She would ask LaVonne as well. LaVonne could tell her more directly. Her voice would be tearful. I tried my best, but there wasn’t much I could say that could make it better.

The months after we split were hard for me. I could not accept being alone. More than angry, I was hurt, deeply hurt and wounded. I’d been fighting it, being set aside, for many years. In a sense, I was relieved but still hurt. He had a girlfriend, which made it harder for me. In fact, Joshua went to the bowling alley with a date, but he saw his dad’s car there and left. He didn’t want to see his dad with a girl. It just was awkward.

My former husband settled down in Paradise then in Oroville in the Thermalito area. His sister decided to leave her marriage too. Her third daughter would come over and visit me. She encouraged me, which meant a lot to me. For many years after the divorce we could barely talk. He later sued me for the predominant custodial rights, which he got. Exactly 18 months later, Glorianne decided to come back to live with me. When the kids become teens they have the most say. Unfortunately, because she was so young, she can’t remember us being married.

Divorce is ugly. It is strange but I remember that I realized it in our first week of marriage, it was going to be hard. I couldn’t get close to my mate. For twenty-one years it had been tremendously difficult. But the kids (except L.) didn’t know it. We didn’t bicker. We didn’t fight. My hope was only a hope. I believed that marriage was for good. One thing I did, that brought some things I didn’t understand, was I kept the problems to myself. I didn’t talk about the difficult things in our marriage. I remember when I closed up, I decided I wouldn’t say negative things about my husband. I wasn’t perfect, and like I said last week, I had many advantages over him. The whole thing is just sad.

I left a lot out of my synopsis of our marriage. I am thankful I am not bitter anymore. I am happy. I am content. I try to make peace with others when I need to. I learned to take whatever and make it nice. Time has helped me. I dated, but I decided to let it go as well. God has made me into a different sort of person than when I was married. I am more content, peaceful, blessed, giving, helpful and caring. The bulk of this writing was about my children for they were impacted greatly by the divorce. They are all grown up now. LaVonne has seven children and is married to Shane. Glorianne is married to Mitch. The boys have not married. I love them all. I think they all are doing well. My grown children are cautious and considerate. Only the youngest one lives in town. I am blessed. God has been good to me.

It was strange. I was at my husband’s high school ten year graduation party, but he left me alone. We went home, went to sleep, but the next morning he was gone (I thought he was at his work). Later that day I realized he was gone, although his truck was still there. My parents came over, and his sisters came over. We stood in a circle and my father led us in the Lord’s Prayer. I was afraid, for my husband was often depressed and sometimes suicidal. That was the start of making our way by myself though I often thought of my husband.

There were many interesting and difficult moments during the next two months. I thought through everything. I wondered what would happen to us. I worried about my two children. I didn’t have money, not much that is. I went to the bank to see where we stood…and my friend from school waited on me. She told me she had helped my husband (before he left). I went to a Christian lawyer who was in my church, He gave me excellent advice, and never charged me. I kept waiting for the bill, but it never came. I cried and then thanked God. I saw a couple of older than me friends and they commiserated. My brother came over and talked about my situation while we watched the children play outside. I remember how lost I felt during that time.

Juanita (my sister) and Kirk were in the States for the year of visiting their mission supporters. Kirk said he would be willing to fly to Florida to try to find my husband. By then we knew he was in Florida. He bought a bike and rode it out to Florida. So my BIL went out to Florida, found my husband, and gave me the details. I arranged a trip out there, and took off. Mother took care of my children. In Florida I stayed with some friends of Kirk’s. Then I met my husband. He looked different. He’d lost weight. He looked sad. He seemed glad to see me. Later, we rode on his motorcycle to the airport. I watched him out the window and wondered if I’d ever see him again. He wanted us to move to Florida, but I thought that would be a poor choice. I knew then that if I ever saw him again it would have to be God that would bring us together.

Like a couple of months later, he came home. It was a tough time. He found some restaurant work and I was soon pregnant again. It was quite the pregnancy. My security was gone. But life must go on. I gave it my best shot. We did not have much money. The kids each got a homemade stuffed bear for Christmas. That was it. I couldn’t talk about the way it was. In fact, it’s hard to write it down for you just how sad it all was. You see, I didn’t want to work. I wanted to raise my own children. I truly wanted to be with them. I didn’t want them to be raised by anyone else. I loved them with a mother’s heart.

There was good stuff too. My third child, Thomas, was a delight. He didn’t give me hardly any problems, and he was a happy baby. I loved my three children. They were so much fun. We lived on Hwy. 99, right next to the road, heading north out of Chico. We lived there until we moved to the Greenville area, in the mountains. Greenville was a great place. We lived in the valley on the beautiful mountainside just a mile or so away from the town. The church there was small and quaint. I loved it. The Hamars, both families, lived there and attended the church. We had known them when they lived in Chico. Some friends, the parents of my sister, brought us wood for our wood stove. Our neighbors, from the church, brought us some blankets to help keep us warm. People were good to us.

I learned a lot during those tough years. I remember thinking that my first seven years of marriage were hard and difficult when they should have been easy and happier. Yet, I learned to trust in God for He knew our future and kept a hand on our present. I learned that we are stronger than we think we are. We don’t think we have much, but God does. He will see us through. He has enough. God has given us what we need, when we need it. I had to learn a few things. I had to quit comparing my life to others. I needed to learn to keep trusting God when the times were rough and uncomfortable. I learned to keep a handle on my emotions…and I am still learning this one. I wanted to learn what God wanted to teach me. This is still true. There is so much to learn and do. Open your life to what God wants to show you. It’s quite transformative. The nice thing is that there is more and more that he wants to show you. We have to learn to keep the door open. For when our door is open, he graciously brings things to pass. Over and over again he brings things for us to consider and try, and then bring to pass. We have such a wonderful God.

to be continued