Well, I’m going through my things; completely going through my things. I’m not kidding. I’m slowly going through my books, pictures, things and what not. You realize that you have way more than you thought you had and way more than you can use. Today I spent the hours going through my pictures. I have a lot of pictures from the years when my children were young. So, it was fun too. Aw, the memories!

We lived in Westwood in the mountains for four years. I loved looking at those pictures. Forrest was born while we lived up there. We made some good friends in Westwood. Next we moved back to the Chido area. We lived at Meridian Road in Chico for a few years. Once again, my youngest child was born while we lived there (I have five kids). We had some precious times while living there. We went to Southern Calif. to visit Grandma Weigold while we lived southwest of town. In fact, there was some debate about her next steps, whether she would come to Chico. But she stayed in southern Calif.

Then we moved to the house on Nord Hwy, where my folks had the orchard. I was already farming the orchard, so it worked out for us. We farmed the orchard for 20 years. Dad made it profitable for me so that I could help my kids with their college education at Biola. The orchard was good for us. He was so wise. After we moved to Nord Hwy, I moved where I am now in Chico, CA.

I live alone now. Yet, my youngest daughter and her husband come around. They are wonderful in helping out when I need it and looking after me, besides being friendly and jovial. I can’t complain at all about any of my kids. I am so fortunate. They care about me, and that’s something to be thankful for. There’s something wonderful to say about looking at the pictures. God has been good to me, to all of us.

I used to feel bad about the hard things in my life, the things I’m not talking about right now. You know what, God had a reason for it all. He took care of all of us, even my ex. He always takes care of his children. He wanted to teach me some things that I needed to learn. I learned how to wait, to listen, to contemplate, to consider, to remember his goodness, to rejoice in his care, to be thankful for even the smallest act of kindness…and recognize he is taking care of me.

I think of all the prayers I prayed. All the troubles I navigated. And all the answers to prayer. It got to where I learned to pray before I acted about most things. God became my rudder. I acted according to how I felt about the answers to my prayers. I reviewed, I considered, I waited, I believed, I set my heart and my mind in God’s direction. I learned it is unwise to act without praying first. God brings peace when the answer is affirmative. I learned to wait until I sense his leading. I learned to listen for his answers. He taught me to wait until He was ready to act. I also learned it is best to not act if you sense something is wrong in your actions. He will make it abundantly clear if you wait and listen. Sometimes you have to wait a while before he gives you an answer. It’s worth the wait.

God bless you.

After much struggle. After much pain. After much trying to figure it out. After much time, thinking, contemplating and considering, I finally was getting an answer. God was my answer. God understood. God helped me. God completed me. God made all the difference.

No, I didn’t need to know the answers to the problems. No, I couldn’t figure out the why’s, wherefore’s, or what-fore’s. I just needed to trust God to get me through. If I could do that, it was enough. He had been trying to tell me that all along but I wasn’t listening. I wanted it to turn out like I wanted it to, but that wasn’t what was happening. I had to give it all to God, every last bit. I had to trust God to take care of me and the kids, and that was saying a lot. Later on I would need to forgive him, which was extremely hard for me.

God showed me many things in the months to come. I had made many conclusions and perceptions out from the pain and trauma I had been through. Some were misconceptions and some were right on. But I found that it didn’t matter in the long run. I needed to move on and quit complaining. I was stuck in a rut. God wanted me to move forward. Eventually he showed me that it was over, completely over. Somehow that was a foreign idea for me. God brought me to a place where I literally and figuratively had to give it to God and leave it with him. I even had to stop loving my ex. I had to ask God to take away my love for him. I couldn’t continue loving him the way I did. That was very difficult for me but it was necessary.

God helped me. I started writing in a journal. I wrote my thoughts, scriptures, quotes from books, and prayers. God started showing me what I needed to learn. I started taking apart the volumes of thoughts I had compiled over the past twenty-five years. The things which I thought were so strong and invincible were not as impenetrable as I thought. I started thinking more slowly, not making harsh and immovable conclusions. I learned ‘trust me’ meant a great deal more than I originally thought. Trust Me, meant to trust God in all things. He began to redirect my thinking. I could see more of his way as I made my way.

I am now at the close of my blogs on the subject of the hurt and recovery God brought me through over twenty years ago. And, believe it or not, my ex is my friend on Facebook. We aren’t close, we don’t talk, but we aren’t enemies either. God has brought me and my ex to a place of mutual agreement. Neither one of us has married, and that’s a surprise, as well.

I could tell you a lot more but it is not necessary or advisable. I just want you to know that God is enough. Whatever your heartache, he is enough. He will carry you through, no matter how difficult it is. He loves you. He will always love you. He keeps you strong. He helps you. He ministers to you. He brings friends to you, every day and in every way. God meets our needs, every day and in every way…for every day and in every way… for every day and in every way… cont’d…

God will help you.

We split up. We managed. We tried to make sense of it all. I didn’t understand. I had tried so hard. At some point you have to give up, especially when you are backed into a corner and have no say. The picture I am putting up is on my 50th birthday. That’s 21 Years ago. Wow! Life is a lot easier now. I’m so glad it is. Neither of us has remarried.

I wanted to tell you about Joshua, a freshman up at Western Baptist College (now Corban University). After Randy called him, he went off by himself. He cried. He couldn’t be with the other students. My two brother-in-laws went to the college and joined him. They talked and commiserated. They were so caring. By phone my other kids talked with him at some point. I heard LaVonne crying while she talked with him. I was grateful that my brother-in-laws helped my son navigate the terrible moments when he found out. When he came home Joshua was brave, comforting, and caring. I am thankful for him and the way he helped us make the best of a family woe.

LaVonne was upset and angry. She felt like she didn’t have a family anymore. She helped the younger kids as best she could, yet her anger got in the way. She needed some time. The kids talked about the split. Before the separation they thought our family was different than most families. We cared. We weren’t divorced. Now we seemed like those around them (in public school). It was a confusing way to finish your last year of public school. I wasn’t much of a help. I was hurting, and wondering, and confused.

Thomas was quiet. After a few weeks he and I had a long talk about it all. We were outside by the clothesline. He said he didn’t mind the split but he did comment about his dad. His words, “Dad doesn’t need to get the marriage back together but he needs to get his life back in a close relationship with God.” That was pretty wise for a fifteen year old, and I know he meant it.

Forrest was hurt. He spoke about the split during the time I was fixing dinner. That was our time when we were alone without the other kids. He told me that he told his friends why he had been so quiet lately. He told them that his parents had split and he was quiet because he couldn’t talk about it. He seemed to take it badly, and I worried about him. He was younger. I felt for him. I didn’t know what to do for him.

Glorianne was impacted in a different way. She was preschool age. She would come into the bedroom and talk about when her dad would come back. She’d ask me when he was going to come back. I let her talk but I didn’t give many answers. She would ask LaVonne as well. LaVonne could tell her more directly. Her voice would be tearful. I tried my best, but there wasn’t much I could say that could make it better.

The months after we split were hard for me. I could not accept being alone. More than angry, I was hurt, deeply hurt and wounded. I’d been fighting it, being set aside, for many years. In a sense, I was relieved but still hurt. He had a girlfriend, which made it harder for me. In fact, Joshua went to the bowling alley with a date, but he saw his dad’s car there and left. He didn’t want to see his dad with a girl. It just was awkward.

My former husband settled down in Paradise then in Oroville in the Thermalito area. His sister decided to leave her marriage too. Her third daughter would come over and visit me. She encouraged me, which meant a lot to me. For many years after the divorce we could barely talk. He later sued me for the predominant custodial rights, which he got. Exactly 18 months later, Glorianne decided to come back to live with me. When the kids become teens they have the most say. Unfortunately, because she was so young, she can’t remember us being married.

Divorce is ugly. It is strange but I remember that I realized it in our first week of marriage, it was going to be hard. I couldn’t get close to my mate. For twenty-one years it had been tremendously difficult. But the kids (except L.) didn’t know it. We didn’t bicker. We didn’t fight. My hope was only a hope. I believed that marriage was for good. One thing I did, that brought some things I didn’t understand, was I kept the problems to myself. I didn’t talk about the difficult things in our marriage. I remember when I closed up, I decided I wouldn’t say negative things about my husband. I wasn’t perfect, and like I said last week, I had many advantages over him. The whole thing is just sad.

I left a lot out of my synopsis of our marriage. I am thankful I am not bitter anymore. I am happy. I am content. I try to make peace with others when I need to. I learned to take whatever and make it nice. Time has helped me. I dated, but I decided to let it go as well. God has made me into a different sort of person than when I was married. I am more content, peaceful, blessed, giving, helpful and caring. The bulk of this writing was about my children for they were impacted greatly by the divorce. They are all grown up now. LaVonne has seven children and is married to Shane. Glorianne is married to Mitch. The boys have not married. I love them all. I think they all are doing well. My grown children are cautious and considerate. Only the youngest one lives in town. I am blessed. God has been good to me.