As a young mother with three children, I watched a video series by Verna Birkey.  She told a story about being at an airport and watching a mother with her young child. The child bumped into an ash tray canister, loudly knocking it over. The mother responded with “Oops,” then she and her son righted the can and cleaned up the mess as best they could. She said that the mother never raised her voice. Verna Birkey commented, “I was impressed. What a lovely way the mother handled the situation. No anger or scolding. She was gentle with her child when most would have grabbed the child, speaking angrily to them for knocking the can over.” Her story impressed me and stayed in my mind as a nice way for a parent to be. It helped me.

Intentional Parenting – 21 Tips for How To Parent Children
Guidelines for Responsible Parenting – Original content

1. Lower your voice when you are angry and resist raising your voice in anger. When you are managing children’s misbehavior or settling an altercation, it is best to talk softer and slower rather than louder and sharper, they will listen better. Be clear in your instructions and expectations. Make sure they are age appropriate.
2. Follow through. Do what you say you are going to do. This teaches your children to respect you, and they learn that they won’t be able to manipulate or ignore you.
3. Teach your children to listen to you. This is most important of all. Do not keep repeating yourself. Make sure they understand the expectation, then have them repeat back to you what the expectation is. Reclarify if they are misunderstanding the directive. Sometimes giving the child a choice works best, especially if it will keep you from having a knock-down confrontation that makes you crazy, where you pile on the punishments to win the battle. Here is an example of using choice: “If you continue to argue with me about putting your toys away, then you will not be able to watch the movie with us. However, if you choose to put your toys away and stop arguing with me, then you will get to watch the movie with us.” Simple and clear. You’ve put it in the child’s court without a major confrontation. Don’t debate them when the argument comes, calmly restate the two choices. Just do it. Children know how to work us. Be in charge.
   
4. Never slap, hit*, or scream at a child. Keep your hands and voice soft. Your voice should have a sense of quiet authority in the way you speak. Force yourself to be kind, not abrupt.  This also helps you to develop self-control. It takes more effort, but it is amazing the difference kindness with firmness can make.  Be careful to not sound like you are hoping for a specific behavior when you are expecting a specific behavior.  Some children, the stubborn ones, will push and push and give you a run for your money. You must maintain your presence despite their resistance.
   
5. Punishments should be given in private, including verbal remonstrates. A public punishment or verbal scolding is humiliating and leaves lasting emotional damage. It is also embarrassing to the child and to others who may be in hearing range. This is a well documented fact. (I really dislike public scoldings and shamings. It even happens with adult children. I recently heard a 70 year old chiding his 50 year old son for the way he parked his truck in the store parking lot! Embarrassing.)
6. Never demean a child or make them look foolish by saying unkind words to them or about them to others. If it must be said to someone else, say it when the child is not within hearing range. Everyone should make this a new habit (boundary), it’s become such a pervasive problem.
7. Don’t talk about your child or children in negative ways by making their behavior the topic of discussion. They do need to behave at the table and elsewhere, that’s not what I am talking about, it’s the shaming and criticizing that goes beyond a redirect. Our children are forming an opinion about themselves by what we say or don’t say. It is damaging when we repeatedly say how bad they are acting. At dinner time, make table talk a positive learning experience. If a child refuses to behave, they can eat when everyone else is finished. In time they will get the message. Actions=Consequences. (When I was in college, I stayed a week in a home where a mother non-stop nagged her preteen son, day in and day out. He couldn’t do anything good enough to please her. Her public scoldings were excruciating to watch. His spirit was being crushed. I don’t believe the mother knew the damage she was doing to his self-perception.)
8. Count to three before you mete out a punishment. This can be out loud or in your head. You give yourself permission to take a moment to refocus. When you’re angry, have the child sit while you cool down. Make the punishment fit the deed. Refrain from big punishments for small offenses. Always think about what you are hoping to teach your child through the consequence. But please do have consequences for misbehavior or your child will run the show, and I’m not kidding (it starts before they’re a year old).
   
9. Build a child up, don’t tear them down. Show by example. Be an example. You can’t expect them to do what you don’t do. Notice the good behaviors. Compliment them when they are helpful. Highlight the actions that they do well. Do not demean their character.
   
10. Be polite and courteous. Say “thank you” when they obey or do something for you. This sets a nice tone of appreciation for good behavior and encourages thoughtfulness. It encourages positive actions. Refrain from being harsh with your child or putting on the scold. Scripture warns us about this. It displeases God, and it is not part of godly character.
    
11. Never argue with your child. When you argue with them, you stoop to their level. Do this instead: Say the expectation, then listen to what they have to say and don’t cut them off. When they are finished, repeat the expectation again. Adjust the expectation if necessary (make sure it is reasonable). When they become old enough to understand, explain your reasoning. Avoid long explanations. Then follow through. Follow-through is critical to success.
12. Separate children from each other when there are poor behaviors between them. They feed off each other. This works wonders.
13. Don’t make it a habit to bribe your children. Promising a treat or toy to solicit good behavior fails when used too often in that children will not learn to be obedient because it is the expected and correct behavior.  The motive becomes selfish in nature when children are only good if they get something (this is true in the classroom too). They will not attach intrinsic value to being good on its own merit, because it is a right behavior, and it is right to be obedient when asked to do something. An alternative is to use a reward. A reward is given when the child demonstrates good behavior on their own initiative without being prompted to do so. This can be overdone as well. Be judicious and intentional.
    
14. Teach children that some things are wrong and some things are right. Moral boundaries of behavior are taught early in life. This is imperative. Morality gives a guideline that provides a security and a parameter.  As a Christian, a faith-based person, this is tied to holy living as described in the Scriptures.
    
15. Respond, don’t react. Responding is curative.  Reacting is impulsive and less helpful. Link to “Respond or React.”

16. Respect from your child is earned. You demonstrate self-respect by your own self-control and actions. Your child knows how far to push until they get to your limit. The more in control you are, the more they will operate within your boundaries. You lose when you don’t believe they are capable of fully understanding this. Give them some credit. We must not limit children from living to their full potential. This is the teacher in me talking. I’ve seen it happen too often and with children who are higher functioning than assumed by their parents and teachers. We must find a way to reach and stimulate the process within them to bring it to flower.
17. Love, teach, and guide your children. Give them lots of care and nurture. Be interested in their world. Listen to them. Take good care of them. Read and play with them. Help them discover who they are. Hug them. Hold them. Help them. Encourage them. Notice their bent and respect it. Show them how to live life by becoming intentional in your actions. Spend time with your children. Keep your word faithfully and always.
18. Use positive talk rather than negative talk. It works like this, “Johnny, walk in the hallway” not “Stop running in the hallway, Johnny! (you rotten little kid)!!!”
19. Say you’re sorry when you have been unfair with your child. This is extremely important. They need to see that we know when we’ve overstepped our bounds and caused them pain. It is never too late for a heart-felt apology.
    
20. Only promise what you can deliver, and don’t promise anything you may not be able to deliver.  Don’t forget your promises. Children get broken hearts, and they will remember forever if you fail to keep a promise. Even as an adult we remember those childhood disappointments.
    
21. Don’t have heated arguments with your mate in front of the children. Argue with your mate in private for the most part. Children worry about divorces and fierce arguing teaches wrong behaviors. It is a form of disrespect toward the other person (mate) in the relationship (they learn that it’s okay to speak with disrespect in a relationship). Demonstrate healthy ways to work out you and your mate’s differences and find ways to solve your conflicts without name-calling or put-downs. Refrain from on-going negative commentary about your mate, this will diminish your mate’s character in the child’s estimation and also is a form of arrogance and superiority.

As with anything, there are exceptions. But these are a few guidelines I put in place for my parenting that served me well.  Some were handed down from my parents. My parenting wasn’t flawless, and there were times I didn’t follow them as faithfully as I should have when I lost my cool or reacted before thinking. No one is spot-on all the time. It was helpful to me to know what I would do or not do given certain situations. I didn’t mention this, but it is good to take some time to regroup and recharge your person. See if you can schedule some “me” time to do this.

Note: This article does not include various methods used for discipline.

*not in reference to spanking

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