My oldest daughter was struggling with fully picturing what Christ did when He died on the cross. She wanted to grasp the concept, to feel it live and breathe within her. She had a relationship with God, but she wanted a greater understanding of the crucifixion; and she wanted her belief to become more meaningful and real. She continued to express her desire to God. She had wished and prayed for this for quite some time.  Her belief seemed more like a cerebral, academic knowledge rather than a living, heart knowledge.  This was prior to and during the years when my daughter was a student at Biola University (Christian).

A Picture in Her Mind

My daughter LaVonne was in class one day when the professor directed the students to listen to the song, Here I am to worship. They were to think on the words and write whatever came to mind. It was a time to ponder and meditate. As these words on the recording were being sung, “And I’ll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross,” a picture began to form in her mind. It was like a video playing, all other thoughts were pushed aside. Her mind was full. She was viewing identical cookie cutter figures and they were moving about and walking.  The images were formed in shape somewhat like cookie cutter figures, without gender and all the same size. Then she noticed that one figure was different than the others.

This figure was bright white, much lighter than all the other figures. The others were smudged or quite dirty. The video played on. She saw the figures moving to hug the white figure, the one she took to be Jesus. After they hugged Him, they began to leave. But they were different than before,  . . . now they were white. But Jesus was changing too . . . As He was being hugged by more and more of the figures, He was getting dirtier and dirtier. Soon Jesus was left standing alone by Himself. He was dripping with filth. 

The picture was real, full, overpowering. Her emotions stirred. Tears came and her heart ached in recognition of its truth. Jesus bore all our sins while on the cross. Our shame was upon Him. When the picture faded and came to an end, she knew she had witnessed something amazing, unusual, unexpected and different than any thoughts she had ever experienced before.  She wasn’t sure what had happened. But she could finally see it, what Christ had done for her and for all humanity on the cross.

Later in the day my daughter called to tell me about it–and to ask me if I believed in visions, and to ask me if this was, in fact, a vision. I asked her to write it down, and she did. These are her words that she wrote down after we talked.

In Her Words

Jesus was white, and everyone else looked just like him except they all were covered in dirt. Different people were dirtier, blacker, or whatever. Then they all went and hugged Jesus. Jesus became dirtier than anyone; (He) was caked with filth. Everyone else became pure white as Jesus once was.                                                                                                             ~LaVonne

And I’ll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross.  –Here I am to Worship

A few days ago I came across a notebook while I was sorting through tubs of old items. One was a notebook of my daughter’s. There was only one entry in the notebook, and it was what she had written on that day about her experience.

When I last saw her, the subject came up and we talked about it. It was still clear in her memory. I wanted to know more. So she explained how the figures were of all shades of darkness, some had light patches of dirt, like smudges, others were caked with filth, dark and ugly, and some were mostly white with light shades of darkness. She said her mind became full with no other thoughts crowding in. The images were like living beings walking around.

When it was over, LaVonne wondered what had just happened to her. It was mystifying. But now she understood more clearly the cross and its meaning; and now she had heart-knowledge of what took place as Christ died–the Perfect, sinless One,  for the imperfect, sinful ones–in order to make us whole and clean in a restored relationship with the Triune God. But it had cost. Christ willingly laid down His life on the cross. Her question now answered, she could comprehend more completely what Jesus had done and the depth of His love for all of humankind.

Then I asked her if I could share her writing with you, my readers. She was happy to let me do so.

“And I’ll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross.”

Here I Am to Worship  -Tim Huges; Hillsong

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness
Open my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You’re my God
Altogether lovely, altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days, oh so highly exalted
You’re glorious in heaven above, yes You are
Humbly You came to this Earth You created
All for love’s sake became poor

I’ll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I’ll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

Here I am, here I am to worship You
Here I am to worship You 

(incomplete lyrics)

~To God be the Glory

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