We split up. We managed. We tried to make sense of it all. I didn’t understand. I had tried so hard. At some point you have to give up, especially when you are backed into a corner and have no say. The picture I am putting up is on my 50th birthday. That’s 21 Years ago. Wow! Life is a lot easier now. I’m so glad it is. Neither of us has remarried.

I wanted to tell you about Joshua, a freshman up at Western Baptist College (now Corban University). After Randy called him, he went off by himself. He cried. He couldn’t be with the other students. My two brother-in-laws went to the college and joined him. They talked and commiserated. They were so caring. By phone my other kids talked with him at some point. I heard LaVonne crying while she talked with him. I was grateful that my brother-in-laws helped my son navigate the terrible moments when he found out. When he came home Joshua was brave, comforting, and caring. I am thankful for him and the way he helped us make the best of a family woe.

LaVonne was upset and angry. She felt like she didn’t have a family anymore. She helped the younger kids as best she could, yet her anger got in the way. She needed some time. The kids talked about the split. Before the separation they thought our family was different than most families. We cared. We weren’t divorced. Now we seemed like those around them (in public school). It was a confusing way to finish your last year of public school. I wasn’t much of a help. I was hurting, and wondering, and confused.

Thomas was quiet. After a few weeks he and I had a long talk about it all. We were outside by the clothesline. He said he didn’t mind the split but he did comment about his dad. His words, “Dad doesn’t need to get the marriage back together but he needs to get his life back in a close relationship with God.” That was pretty wise for a fifteen year old, and I know he meant it.

Forrest was hurt. He spoke about the split during the time I was fixing dinner. That was our time when we were alone without the other kids. He told me that he told his friends why he had been so quiet lately. He told them that his parents had split and he was quiet because he couldn’t talk about it. He seemed to take it badly, and I worried about him. He was younger. I felt for him. I didn’t know what to do for him.

Glorianne was impacted in a different way. She was preschool age. She would come into the bedroom and talk about when her dad would come back. She’d ask me when he was going to come back. I let her talk but I didn’t give many answers. She would ask LaVonne as well. LaVonne could tell her more directly. Her voice would be tearful. I tried my best, but there wasn’t much I could say that could make it better.

The months after we split were hard for me. I could not accept being alone. More than angry, I was hurt, deeply hurt and wounded. I’d been fighting it, being set aside, for many years. In a sense, I was relieved but still hurt. He had a girlfriend, which made it harder for me. In fact, Joshua went to the bowling alley with a date, but he saw his dad’s car there and left. He didn’t want to see his dad with a girl. It just was awkward.

My former husband settled down in Paradise then in Oroville in the Thermalito area. His sister decided to leave her marriage too. Her third daughter would come over and visit me. She encouraged me, which meant a lot to me. For many years after the divorce we could barely talk. He later sued me for the predominant custodial rights, which he got. Exactly 18 months later, Glorianne decided to come back to live with me. When the kids become teens they have the most say. Unfortunately, because she was so young, she can’t remember us being married.

Divorce is ugly. It is strange but I remember that I realized it in our first week of marriage, it was going to be hard. I couldn’t get close to my mate. For twenty-one years it had been tremendously difficult. But the kids (except L.) didn’t know it. We didn’t bicker. We didn’t fight. My hope was only a hope. I believed that marriage was for good. One thing I did, that brought some things I didn’t understand, was I kept the problems to myself. I didn’t talk about the difficult things in our marriage. I remember when I closed up, I decided I wouldn’t say negative things about my husband. I wasn’t perfect, and like I said last week, I had many advantages over him. The whole thing is just sad.

I left a lot out of my synopsis of our marriage. I am thankful I am not bitter anymore. I am happy. I am content. I try to make peace with others when I need to. I learned to take whatever and make it nice. Time has helped me. I dated, but I decided to let it go as well. God has made me into a different sort of person than when I was married. I am more content, peaceful, blessed, giving, helpful and caring. The bulk of this writing was about my children for they were impacted greatly by the divorce. They are all grown up now. LaVonne has seven children and is married to Shane. Glorianne is married to Mitch. The boys have not married. I love them all. I think they all are doing well. My grown children are cautious and considerate. Only the youngest one lives in town. I am blessed. God has been good to me.

The years came and went. There were happy moments. There were sad moments. We kept pushing on. We had two more children. I learned a lot during those years. My sister died, which was terribly hard. My husband kept changing jobs, which was difficult for me and the family. We didn’t have much money or nice furniture. I went to school. I tried to get a teaching job. I’d interview but the jobs didn’t come. I continued to take coursework. There was more required than there had been. I kept pushing. To be honest, I really didn’t want to work but I needed to. I just knew my mate could leave me again. I wanted to be ready just in case.

My father had a 40 acre walnut orchard on the farm where he lived. He surprised me when he offered the orchard to me to farm. He and I would split the dollar amount the orchard produced. I was quite surprised. I started farming the orchard just after my fifth child was born. The first year my cousin helped us with the orchard…which was a good thing. Then after, he always helped with the tractoring. The kids and I moved the pipe for the irrigation, sprayed the weeds, pruned the trees, and kept the walnut orchard functioning. We did this for exactly twenty years. My oldest daughter and second son desired to get their education at BIOLA, so the orchard income helped. BIOLA is a private university which means big bucks. The orchard income helped with some of their college bills. My kids learned the work and how to work. But I digress.

My husband decided to move out of our home early in the year 2002. This time I had no choice. We had really failed to have a rich and rewarding home life although I can truthfully say I really and truthfully tried. And, I think, my mate tried in his own way. My oldest child, Josh, was away at college in Oregon that year. He was told (more in next week’s post), and my daughter, LaVonne, cried (more in next week’s post). She was in her senior year. Thomas was fifteen, Forrest was in fifth or sixth grade and Glorianne was in preschool. I was teaching part-time in the Hamilton Elementary School. I kept the news to myself at work. I didn’t think I could talk about it without crying and I was a fairly private person. The same week my husband left, the principle at the school told me my part-time job would end come summer. I was completely bummed. I’d worked so hard too secure the employment but simply it didn’t matter.

By then we had moved to the property where the orchard was planted. My parents had moved to their property in Capay. I managed by working in the orchard and continued my classwork. I thought it would be best if I continued to work as a classroom teacher. Fortunately I knew the reading specialist at Hamilton was going to retire. It worked out. She retired and I interviewed for the job. I got the job. It’s weird to think of now. Those were some trying times. You see, I still loved my husband, even though he didn’t love me (though I believed he did, just wasn’t sure he did). I remember when he told me that he was leaving for good, we both cried. He told me he had tried, and I believed him. I still believe him. He left, and that was that.

It was so sad. My son, Thomas, was at Driver’s Education class. He was told by his father when he was brought home. It was a Sunday. LaVonne and Forrest went outside when Thomas was left by their father. I looked out the window, the three of them had their arms around each other, their heads were bent, and they were crying. It was hard to make sense of. I couldn’t understand how he thought. I went out in the orchard, sat under a tree, and bitterly cried. I didn’t want my kids to see me cry, so I cried where they couldn’t see me. The next few years are a bit of a blur.

It would be best if I told you why I tried so hard. You see, I had the good parents, the strong parenting, the better home by far. My mate had been raised in such a different zone than I had. He hadn’t been raised by a mother that cared. His father was not able to show him the way to be a strong father. They both cheated. The kids knew about their cheating (that’s all I will say but there’s more). He became a Christian when he was in the army. He’d not been raised with what I had been. If the roles were reversed, I would want and wish for a stable mate.

I’m going to tell you a few of the moments that will make sense to you. You learn a lot those times when you’re going through some things that are hard. It takes time to sort your feelings from your reality. I am going to share a couple of those times in my next post.

As I said, I learned a lot. God teaches us when we are willing to listen. We can’t tell God what to do. We can try but it tends to be in our own effort. I was hurt, but not broken. God had so much to teach me. I learned to listen, to sort, to throw away that which didn’t make sense, and keep that which did. I couldn’t change the situation. I couldn’t make it easier for my kids, though I wanted to. I couldn’t make my husband, or the school, want me. I was on empty. Totally on empty. But God had much he wanted to show me. He held me up. He held my kids up. He taught us. He helped us. He brought friends into our lives. He taught me to wait, to listen, to learn, to make his way clear. I had much to learn, and learn I did. But most of all, I learned to trust in God.

to be continued

It was strange. I was at my husband’s high school ten year graduation party, but he left me alone. We went home, went to sleep, but the next morning he was gone (I thought he was at his work). Later that day I realized he was gone, although his truck was still there. My parents came over, and his sisters came over. We stood in a circle and my father led us in the Lord’s Prayer. I was afraid, for my husband was often depressed and sometimes suicidal. That was the start of making our way by myself though I often thought of my husband.

There were many interesting and difficult moments during the next two months. I thought through everything. I wondered what would happen to us. I worried about my two children. I didn’t have money, not much that is. I went to the bank to see where we stood…and my friend from school waited on me. She told me she had helped my husband (before he left). I went to a Christian lawyer who was in my church, He gave me excellent advice, and never charged me. I kept waiting for the bill, but it never came. I cried and then thanked God. I saw a couple of older than me friends and they commiserated. My brother came over and talked about my situation while we watched the children play outside. I remember how lost I felt during that time.

Juanita (my sister) and Kirk were in the States for the year of visiting their mission supporters. Kirk said he would be willing to fly to Florida to try to find my husband. By then we knew he was in Florida. He bought a bike and rode it out to Florida. So my BIL went out to Florida, found my husband, and gave me the details. I arranged a trip out there, and took off. Mother took care of my children. In Florida I stayed with some friends of Kirk’s. Then I met my husband. He looked different. He’d lost weight. He looked sad. He seemed glad to see me. Later, we rode on his motorcycle to the airport. I watched him out the window and wondered if I’d ever see him again. He wanted us to move to Florida, but I thought that would be a poor choice. I knew then that if I ever saw him again it would have to be God that would bring us together.

Like a couple of months later, he came home. It was a tough time. He found some restaurant work and I was soon pregnant again. It was quite the pregnancy. My security was gone. But life must go on. I gave it my best shot. We did not have much money. The kids each got a homemade stuffed bear for Christmas. That was it. I couldn’t talk about the way it was. In fact, it’s hard to write it down for you just how sad it all was. You see, I didn’t want to work. I wanted to raise my own children. I truly wanted to be with them. I didn’t want them to be raised by anyone else. I loved them with a mother’s heart.

There was good stuff too. My third child, Thomas, was a delight. He didn’t give me hardly any problems, and he was a happy baby. I loved my three children. They were so much fun. We lived on Hwy. 99, right next to the road, heading north out of Chico. We lived there until we moved to the Greenville area, in the mountains. Greenville was a great place. We lived in the valley on the beautiful mountainside just a mile or so away from the town. The church there was small and quaint. I loved it. The Hamars, both families, lived there and attended the church. We had known them when they lived in Chico. Some friends, the parents of my sister, brought us wood for our wood stove. Our neighbors, from the church, brought us some blankets to help keep us warm. People were good to us.

I learned a lot during those tough years. I remember thinking that my first seven years of marriage were hard and difficult when they should have been easy and happier. Yet, I learned to trust in God for He knew our future and kept a hand on our present. I learned that we are stronger than we think we are. We don’t think we have much, but God does. He will see us through. He has enough. God has given us what we need, when we need it. I had to learn a few things. I had to quit comparing my life to others. I needed to learn to keep trusting God when the times were rough and uncomfortable. I learned to keep a handle on my emotions…and I am still learning this one. I wanted to learn what God wanted to teach me. This is still true. There is so much to learn and do. Open your life to what God wants to show you. It’s quite transformative. The nice thing is that there is more and more that he wants to show you. We have to learn to keep the door open. For when our door is open, he graciously brings things to pass. Over and over again he brings things for us to consider and try, and then bring to pass. We have such a wonderful God.

to be continued