We are nearing the end of my conversations with “Emily.” I will be posting only one or two more. I hope you have found our conversations informative and like a view behind the veil of a human soul. I also hope that you have not only found them interesting but that you have also learned from them.

I will always see assault and its aftermath differently because of my conversations with Emily. She put a face on it for me. Abuse robs people of a part of who they are and it makes a person more vulnerable than before. There will be barriers as defenses against that vulnerability.

JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

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January 22, 20**

Me:  You amaze me.

01/22/2014 5:19pm

Emily:  not sure what amazes u

Me:  Just thinking about you. Church tonight. I’m telling the story of Elijah. Then we will pray for rain. Bad out here. Farmers will take the hit come water wars.

Emily:  i’d be happy to send our snow ur way

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January 26, 20**

01/26/20** 8:43pm

Me:  Your son is such a talented young man. Are you musical?

Emily:  ya…it was kinda my career before i had him and had to give up touring the world

Me:  Really!

Emily:  wasn’t at a place where i could afford to bring all the specialists he needed to see, with me

i recorded in nashville aug 98…he was born sept 99

i left touring march 99

Me:  Tell me, were you in a band or solo?

Emily:  just solo…my address was wherever my car was parked for the night

Me:  Vocal or instrumental?

Emily:  i toured with my sound system and guitar, but was more comfortable singing with background tracks

Me:  Nice. Do you miss it very much?

Emily:  it wasn’t much really…and these days i get to mentor high school youth band and encourage my own son. there r times i miss it i won’t lie, but i still get to do it a lil…just in diff ways now

and I’ve not really given up on getting back to it…my son will grow up one day and be on his own and i’ll have to find something to do with my time

Me:  Yes. I understand. I grew up with music. My mother made sure of that. All good.

Emily:  its the language he talks in…he is WAY more advanced than i am. it actually bothers him when songs are done in a diff key than usual

i don’t speak that language

Me:  My sister is very good. She is strong on technical aspects. That always escaped me. I have led choirs tho. She taught me how.

We play piano. Mom, the violin.

Emily:  isaac & i have done a lil touring together in recent years where he accompanies me on piano and i on guitar and sing

he does it to humor me…doesn’t like it as much as organ

Me:  In fact, G is ready to practice guitar right now. Going to get off and go do some writing…

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January 27, 20**

01/27/20** 9:24am

Me:  I want you to tell me a little about your Daniel Fast. Did you follow one of the books? I see there are a few on Amazon. In what way was it successful? I am asking, b/c of the women I’m leading from church. This year I have picked a theme. “A healthier you; spiritually, emotionally, and physically.” I think doing a ‘fast’ might work for a summer project. I’m planning an all day prayer retreat in April …for spiritual health.

Btw, how are you?

Emily:  At work so can’t talk now but will b home in another 4 hrs

Me:  Sounds good.

01/27/20** 4:30pm

Emily:  ok…sorry its been more than 4 hours

i didn’t go by any book. some friends from church just e-mailed me the guidelines they were following and that’s what i did. i can e-mail to u if u want…just send me ur e-mail.

actually here it is…

Foods to include during the Daniel Fast

All fruits. These can be fresh, frozen, dried, juiced or canned. Fruits include but are not limited to apples, apricots, bananas, blackberries, blueberries, boysenberries, cantaloupe, cherries, cranberries, figs, grapefruit, grapes, guava, honeydew melon, kiwi, lemons, limes, mangoes, nectarines, oranges, papayas, peaches, pears, pineapples, plums, prunes, raisins, raspberries, strawberries, tangelos, tangerines, watermelon

All vegetables. These can be fresh, frozen, dried, juiced or canned. Vegetables include but are not limited to artichokes, asparagus, beets, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, chili peppers, collard greens, corn, cucumbers, eggplant, garlic, ginger root, kale, leeks, lettuce, mushrooms, mustard greens, okra, onions, parsley, potatoes, radishes, rutabagas, scallions, spinach, sprouts, squashes, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, turnips, watercress, yams, zucchini, veggie burgers are an option if you are not allergic to soy.

All whole grains, including but not limited to whole wheat, brown rice, millet, quinoa, oats, barley, grits, whole wheat pasta, whole wheat tortillas, rice cakes and popcorn.

All nuts and seeds, including but not limited to sunflower seeds, cashews, peanuts, sesame. Also nut butters including peanut butter.

All legumes. These can be canned or dried. Legumes include but are not limited to dried beans, pinto beans, split peas, lentils, black eyed peas, kidney beans, black beans, cannellini beans, white beans.

All quality oils including but not limited to olive, canola, grape seed, peanut, and sesame.

Beverages: spring water, distilled water or other pure waters. Other: tofu, soy products, vinegar, seasonings, salt, herbs and spices.

Foods to avoid on the Daniel Fast

All meat and animal products including but not limited to beef, lamb, pork, poultry, and fish.

All dairy products including but not limited to milk, cheese, cream, butter, and eggs.

All sweeteners including but not limited to sugar, raw sugar, honey, syrups, molasses, and cane juice. All leavened bread including Ezekiel Bread (it contains yeast and honey) and baked goods.

All refined and processed food products including but not limited to artificial flavorings, food additives, chemicals, white rice, white flour, and foods that contain artificial preservatives.

All deep fried foods including but not limited to potato chips, French fries, corn chips.

All solid fats including shortening, margarine, lard and foods high in fat. Beverages including but not limited to coffee, tea, herbal teas, carbonated beverages, energy drinks, and alcohol.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. We also encourage prayer, reading the word of God daily!

01/27/20** 6:03pm

Me:  Thank you. Now tell me how much you liked doing it?

Emily:  i loved it!

the first couple days were hard because of no caffeine, but after a couple days the headache subsided

the last couple days were hard for some reason…was just anxious to finish it up i guess

Me:  I’m back! G is at a secular concert with two friends. My first time to let her go to one. Makes me nervous but feel good about who she’s with, they’re both male and I’ve known one for forever. Her school guitar teacher is in the band.

Me:  I think I may not be going to the farm show…I’ve always wanted to go to it. They jacked the prices to $350 night even 30 min. away. (It’s seven hours from my home.) That’s why I think they made an excuse to cancel my reservation. I booked it at normal rates back in October. Irritating.

Emily:  sounds like it…can they actually do that?

Me:  Ethically, no. But …. I won’t fight it. At the time, it was the only motel with decent rates. They must have forgotten to ‘up’ them for the farm show. They use a service that does the booking. That is who called me. I just was stuck on the phone 30 min. with no human contact. In God’s hands. Not worth getting my blood pressure up.

Emily:  well ur handling it quite well

Me:  It isn’t a priority. I do have a conference. I’m going to in Los Angeles the same weekend as Jennifer’s retreat. I will be upset if something goes wrong on that one. It is for writers and costs me a bundle. However, I have learned not to count on things…had too many disappointments in my life. I wanted to go to the farm show partly to see my friend who lost his son in the fall. He’s not seemed himself ever since his son’s death. He has a booth at the show b/c he is a salesman in the ag industry. He’s one of the few who encouraged me to follow my desire to write. He never made me feel foolish about it.

Emily:  i’ll pray ur writing conf goes smoother than this one

Me:  Thanks. How you doing these days?

Emily:  im ok

Me:  Ok, is ok. But. Yes. Last night I had an off night. Got a rude email from a lady in a Christian writers organization. She wasn’t happy with me b/c I was confused about something for an online class I’m taking and her patience was wearing thin. Made me feel like grade school. Crazy. But not something to rattle my cage, just felt dumb about it. All week I had been trying to fix a problem and was getting nowhere fast. Do I speak in riddles? Not worth explaining further.

Me:  Well, anything you would like to talk about before we call it a day?

Emily:  no…just pray for clarity

Me:  I can do that. I need to pray about the motel issue too. Blessings to you. Peace

Emily:  night

Me:  GN

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February 3, 20**

02/03/20** 1:48pm

Me:  Been praying for you.

Emily:  i’ve needed it…

thank you!

Me:  Care to tell me about it? Not being nosy.  Just if it would help.

Emily:  got pushed off a cliff Sat

thought i was taking care of myself by relaxing and watching a movie…no where in what i read about my movie choice did it mention gangs or that life, but got triggered beyond what i was prepared…haven’t felt that crazy in very long time.

Me:  Oh my goodness.

Emily:  i wasn’t prepared to be brought back to my initiation nor the last straw that led me to knowing i was in over my head in that gang

i think i was PMSing on top of it and Lord know how crazy we can feel then

Me:  Have you come back to center or are you feeling shaky? Time to do the school run and then orthodontist. Catch you later. To be continued…

Emily:  I’m better, but feeling a bit on the edge like any LITTLE thing could send me spiraling off the cliff

we had orthodontist here today too! he got them off!!!!

ttyl

02/03/20** 3:51pm

Me:  This is weird. G got hers off today. We just went back to get the retainer. She looks so nice. Glad you’re better.

Emily:  he got them off and we just waited the 20 min for them to make the retainer…he has a lil practicing to get them in and out, but he’ll get it…right now he just gets frustrated right away…my lil perfectionist…has to do it perfect or doesn’t want to do it at all (grin emoticon)

Me:  Send a pic of his new smile. I’ll do the same of G. Going walking now. …

Emily:  he missed popcorn the most…so here he is getting ready to make some!

Me:  Nice.

Emily:  gotta run…at a meeting for next 3 hrs…UG!!!

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February 4, 20**

02/04/20** 8:59pm

Me:  Here she is. She’s lovin it.

Emily:  nice

Me:  Thx.

Emily:  any rain these days?

Me:  We had .30 of an inch one day. Not good.

Everyone’s praying. Even the Mormons fasted (no water or food) and prayed all day on Super Bowl Sunday.

Emily:  God will provide exactly what is needed in HIS time

Me:  Yes. I’m praying for the spiritual condition of Calif.

Emily:  God knows what He’s doing even when it doesn’t make any sense to any of us

Me:  True. It wouldn’t hurt people to humble themselves a little bit. I’m preaching to the choir, Sister Emily.

Emily:  lol…ya

Me:  I haven’t heard from my son who is in the Navy in several days. I sent him a text and he hasn’t replied. I’d like to know he’s ok. They’re doing military drills, practice war stuff. He is always prompt to reply. But I assume he can’t for some reason.

Emily:  sometimes part of their trainings may not allow for distractions of phones and such…rest assured if anything wasn’t right the Navy would be in contact with you, so i think ur good

Me:  (unsure emoticon) Ok. I think I will write a blog for Jennifer. I didn’t do the study so I haven’t been contributing much. I do like writing them .. esp. since they bring more traffic to my blog (selfishly speaking). Think I may go do that now. Blessings GN

Emily:  gn

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February 9, 20**

02/04/20** 8:59pm

Me:  Are you at a crossroads?

Emily:  Why?

Me:  Your post questions. God is a’ stirring. He’s calling your name

Emily:  Na…he’s been calling it…just don’t wanna run anymore. The 40 yrs in the wilderness was only an 11 day journey.

I’d gotten so entangled IN ministry that I forgot THE ministry is to know Jesus

Me:  Yes. That’s easy to do.

In fact, many people miss it entirely.

Emily:  I needed Jesus with skin on today. Didn’t get it. Can u please pray? Things r coming to a head at work and if they don’t fire me I’m at a breaking point that I may just walk away and I don’t know what that will look like in terms of keeping my house or even staying in XX. God’s up to something but I’m filled with more questions than answers at the moment.

Me:  I can pray. Not exactly sure what to pray. He makes a way in the desert. “Peace I leave with you.” A promise for Emily. I will pray peace and calm. ((Emily)) hugs

02/09/20** 8:36pm

Me:  Actually, I feel a little excited for you. Something “stirring” means you are alive and in the game. At the point of running to rather than running from is when you start living… and life becomes an adventure!

pray right now!

Emily:  listening to Ann Voskamp teaching on the body becoming an enterprise which is a form of prostitution vs what God has meant the body to be

being Jesus users instead of Jesus adorers

Me:  Hmmmm. Do you agree with her thoughts?

Emily:  i do

Me:  Interesting. We are meant for worship. Tis true.

I’ve never listened to her. I like her book. I know it’s late for you. I can stop.

God is making you new. And the job, He will take care of that, too. Someway, somehow. Blessings in Jesus.

Emily:  Oh I’m up listening, will be for a while yet

Me:  I’m watching Olympics.

Emily:  k…have fun

Me:  Yep.

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What I saw in Emily is a resilient spirit, almost a fierceness to overcome that which is defeating her. That she carried this burden so well is remarkable, although to us whom have read them, we are less convinced. To meet her, you would not know the nature of her inner pain. She seems a confident woman, and she is.

Like many of us, she has her secrets, which you now know.  That is why these are powerful posts, we can see the toll on the emotions that the pain of abuse causes as it initiates the wounded into a private hell. As you already know, this is why these conversations are shared in a public blog, that they might be of some help for those who suffer on the inside.

You may be one of those who has been injured. It is a cross to bear, but not one without hope. Christ is in the healing business. He always has been. I have know wounding and it is not easily borne. But there is another aspect to the injury.

The enemy and his cohorts aim to defeat you, they do not want you free. The minute you get serious about your need for healing and a spiritual transformation, they will seek to block you and confuse you. The past will roar back at you and you will want to retreat. You are trapped in a form of bondage that is not easily broken or set free. Don’t believe their message. It is a lie. I know you CAN be set free.

A resource which might help you is my series ‘A Spiritual Intervention,’ a 28 blog series on how to access spiritual healing through God’s loving intervention. Here’s one that speaks to this, the problem with painful emotions.

What is one thing that has impressed you in these conversations?

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LINKS

>next post:  Emily goes on a date:  Conversations with Emily (21)

<previous post:  Struggle, empathy, sexual relations, and overcoming:  Conversations with Emily (19)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

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