Some people are scarred by horrific episodes in their pasts. In this post Emily reveals the assault she experienced as a college coed. It came out in this raw but real conversation.

Tears, Assault and its Living Memory

September 29, 20**

9/29, 6:20pm
Me:
Emily, it was wonderful and blessed. Truly a divine appointment. I’m so glad you prayed.

9/29, 6:22pm
Emily:
Could use ur prayers…tears r flowing here

9/29, 6:28pm
Me:
Talk to me.

9/29, 6:31pm
Emily:
It’s been a long day. Didn’t sleep well. Lots of memories of the part abuse. Abruptly woken this AM seeing and feeling my assault from back in college. I haven’t been able to get it outta my head all day

9/29, 6:39pm
Me:
Ok. You’re not in this alone. I will pray for two things. Healing of the memory. A thought or verse that will enter into your thinking. I will pray right now on this end. You pray on that end. If you can’t pray, just tell God you’re not able to.

9/29, 6:42pm
Emily:
I’m numb. I don’t know where these tears r coming from.
I wanna talk but no one is able to hear what I have to say

9/29, 6:57pm
Me:
That doesn’t mean they don’t care. They don’t understand. I don’t know what you need either. But I often pray that God will direct my words to you, that they will have something useful for you.

I can guess at the tears, but God knows specifically. If you look in the mirror, what do you see?

9/29, 6:57pm
Emily:
I just wanna be able to put words to it

9/29, 6:59pm
Me:
That would help. It must be some sort of ache inside. I will ask God to put it into words for you.

9/29, 7:00pm
Emily:
I can see it and feel it and yet can’t describe it to u
I just wanted to die that night

9/29, 7:01pm
Me:
I am praying that God will reveal it to you.
You’re trapped and need to be set free.

9/29, 7:02pm
Emily:
No matter how hard I tried to hold him off I couldn’t
i can’t look in the mirror
can’t stand what i see!

9/29, 7:07pm
Me:
That’s true. His assault stole from you and inflicted injury to you. But it could not remove the person God made you to be. God makes people brand new. In some way, you must allow God to come in and heal that deep wound. I am sure you grieve for what you lost, that Emily who was before. God has to come in and cleanse it for you. It is something you cannot do in your own strength. Allow Him full access, even if it seems impossible to do so. Be vulnerable with God. He will meet you where you’re at. That’s what I’ve experienced.

9/29, 7:09pm
Emily:
the man that night didn’t have anything left to steal from me. i was already empty inside. it had all been stolen already…there was nothing left of me

9/29, 7:10pm
Me:
Then we need to go back further.

9/29, 7:10pm
Emily:
i didn’t know who i was before
don’t recall a time i knew who i was

9/29, 7:12pm
Me:
Hmmm. Then maybe it’s time to find out who you are.

9/29, 7:18pm
Emily:
I’m done trying
just want it all to stop
forget it
forget I’ve said anything
forget me

9/29, 7:24pm
Me:
Emily, If only I could help you see the gift that you are, and the person God wants you to become. To get there He must take you through the valley of the shadow of death. It’s like little ‘Much-afraid’ in Hinds Feet On High Places, we have the two companions, Suffering and Sorrow, we walk with them to go to the High Places, there we find that the companions have become Grace and Glory. The truth is, for you to make it, there will have to come a point where you give up and let God take control. His life will transform your life and heal those broken pieces, piece by piece. The shattered girl will begin to become whole again. Let go and let God. It is critical and essential to spiritual and emotional health. Don’t shy away from the hard stuff, and this is hard because we are fearful people.

9/29, 9:02pm
Emily:
this morning i woke up on my parents couch experiencing one horrific night from almost 20 yrs ago. please tell me this will stop

9/29, 9:46pm
Me:
I wish I had the right things to say. All I know is that God is the Healer. I can’t help you access that healing, wish I could. I’m sorry it happened to you.

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September 30, 20**

9/30, 3:11am
Emily:
Sorry for bothering u

9/30, 6:37am
Me:
GM Elizabeth. Prayed for you already. There is always hope.

9/30, 5:29pm
Me:
You are never a bother. I want the best for you. And that you will know peace at the center. I prayed a long while for you today. The Lord impressed me that I should. You are precious to Him.

JUST PLAIN SCARED

We ended the post last week with Emily telling me that she is praying for me over the weekend while I am speaking at a women’s retreat. In this post I greet her with the good news that the retreat went well.

I debated whether to share this section of dialogue because of its content. The story makes more sense if it’s included. Emily was being tormented. I was beginning to realize the depth of the trauma. All I could do was offer her a lifeline and the comfort of an impartial and caring listener.

Emily has given her permission to share this content in the hopes that it will help someone else who feels all alone in their pain.

The conversation continues.

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LINKS

>next post: Healing will remove the silent scream:  Conversations with Emily (9)

<previous post:  Scared and in emotional pain:  Conversations with Emily (7)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

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I welcome your comments. Thank you.

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