How We Hate to Fail
Disappointments caused by failures, misunderstandings, or calamities can hurt like the dickens. Sometimes pain drives all the way deep inside and causes injury to the emotions. Its ugliness is something dark, harsh, and tangible. I don’t think anyone is ever quite prepared for the disappointments that come their way.
Reactive in the presence of injured emotions, they may experience a variety of sensations: tears, anger, depressed feelings, overwhelming tiredness, shattered nerves, sleeplessness, stomachaches, or whatever. They may seek to remedy their distress with some sort of comfort, like binge talking, drinking, eating, shopping, electronic entertainment, or you name it, their go-to thing.
No one likes to fail, but fail we do. To fail is to be human. Along with any failure comes the above mentioned disappointment. That ‘let down’ feeling can ruin days, weeks, months, and sometimes, if it is of major consequence, it can follow them through many a year or even a lifetime.
One of my peers in high school was a cute silken-haired young lady who was part of the ‘in’ crowd. She frequently vocalized her aspirations for becoming a varsity cheerleader, and said with a confident air. I assumed it would happen for her. In the spring of our junior year after the competition when the votes were tallied for the next year’s varsity cheerleaders, she wasn’t one of them. Shocking stuff. Probably, I was almost as surprised as she was. It had seemed a slam dunk. I imagine she was crushed.
Most of our failures and disappointments aren’t quite so noticeable, unless you’re running for public office. Employment-related incidents where a person is overlooked or not chosen for the position they’ve expected is an unpleasant go. The person has angry questions about why they didn’t get it, and they are likely to make judgments about the upset. When it seems or is unjust and unfair, bitterness and resentments may take root and build. That is not any fun, to say the least.
When It’s Our Fault
When it is your fault and it is you who caused the failure to happen, then it is you who gets to choose how you will feel about it. This can take many forms. You can blame others (scapegoating) or you can blame the circumstances (it’s not your fault) or you can accept or ignore the injustice you’ve done (Ok, I wonder what’s next), or you take ownership (address your part in it). Any of those choices are the consequence of the failure. A healthy outlook can look at the issue with an eye to learning and growing, improving and moving forward.
You can make that kind of healthy choice, one that brings health and well-being where you need it. Deep inside the real you is a need to be recognized and appreciated by others. Comparisons and your reactions to disappointments can knock you down and make you feel less-than and not fully appreciated. The tendency to react as a result may allow for aggression, distancing, vengeance and all manner of negative behaviors.
When It’s Their Fault
When you’ve been wronged in some way, it is important to handle it in a constructive manner. How we take it, to take it well, will take acknowledgment and prayer. It is smart to ask God for the best words and right attitude. Praying adds strength, courage, and wisdom and minimizes blame, accusation, and angry expressions. Sort through the cause and effect and come at it from your and the others’ involved, perspectives.
When your ‘own’ stuff crowds in, when you take the offense personally (because it’s unjust), and you can’t quite get over it, this provides an excellent opportunity to look at the incident with a critical eye. Look at it with care. What is true? What is not true? How can you deal with it in a healthy, non-accusatory manner? Have you given it to God and released the outcome to Him? Do you need to address it for the benefit of the other person, for their knowledge, understanding, and growth? What should you do? What must you do?
How to Flip Failure on Its Head
How we view ourselves during a disappointment or failure is extremely important and a real part of this conversation. I think the self-perceived, inferior, self-status this fuels in one’s interior self is a need in us to be acknowledged, treated fairly, and to be appreciated. But, do people really care? Ethel Barrett says it this way, “We would worry less about what others think of us, if we realized how seldom they do.” She goes on to say, “Humanly speaking, the easiest person to fool is one’s self.” She hits the nail on the head. That means, it is up to the wounded person to deal with it. Any individual can take a failure, disappointment, or mistake and make it into a positive. Undoubtedly, this takes courage and a willing-to-go-there mindset.
Anyone can re-order their thinking. The power rests with them. God will help you if you ask Him too. Remember the prophet Elijah? Elijah, after a tremendous victory over the prophets of Baal at Mt. Carmel when God sent fire from heaven to devour the water, stone, and sacrifice, Elijah took to running for his life when threatened with death by wicked Queen Jezebel. Mountaintop to valley floor, he plunged into defeating fear and lived in desperate despair. God saw Elijah’s weakness while he flailed in the storm of life, and He ministered to him. Elijah listened to God’s voice and then trusted Him to take care of his needs.
You, as God’s child, serve this same God. He protects and ministers to needs. He restores broken people and heals their wounded hearts. God gives a mission and becomes their adequacy to accomplish it. He’s all that. God takes a defeat and makes it a cause for celebration. Chuck Colson did this, from prison to developing a prison ministry and becoming a leading Christian voice. Joni Eareckson Tada did this, from quadriplegia to representative voice for the physically challenged and marginalized. Joni and Friends is listened to world-wide. Their life-giving passions rose from negative defining experiences.
Give it to God, whatever it is. Listen for His whisper. Draw strength from Him. Yes.
Trust God for the journey.
