It was the day I lost my innocence. A day that would put me on a path I did not choose, on a journey I did not want, and take me to a place I did not understand. Little did I know that the events of that day would define my life for days, months, and years to come. I should have been paying closer attention but I had ignored all the signs, and there had been signs, even some huge signs. But I didn’t know how to read “sign”. An innocent doesn’t by nature of their innocence. That lone day life became hard, different, confusing. Although the girl I was in those days, of which there was no replacing, had a human spirit that would fight back with untapped resilience. Yet, there was loss. She had been a gentle soul. I would often lament her disappearance. I’d wish for the days before her initiation, the days of naive trust and love.

Time would reveal other “initiated” members who entered that same door of pain.They also remember the day when pain became their companion, a companion unwelcome on all points yet joined to the very marrow. This is the real truth about pain, life never returns to the way it was “before”. For over twenty years it was painful, sucking the heart out of life. I take you back to that day in 1985, We’d been married four and a half years.

It was a lovely August day, a Sunday, normal in all respects. My husband left early that morning to go to work; the two children and I went to Grace Baptist Church in Chico, California. Then we came home. I opened the door and noticed a note on the table.

I held the note and began to read; the words sent a warm heat coursing from head to toe. I read it again, then a third time. My breath caught in short quickened gasps. “Oh no,” I sucked in a deep breath to give me strength. My thoughts were racing, my voice no longer audible. I leaned down to pick up LaVonne, placing her in the highchair. She looked so sweet in her frilly dress, her brown eyes flashing, much like her daddy’s. She was hungry, fussy. Tears gathered in my eyes and I swiped them away. Tears would have to wait. “Not now.” I picked up Joshua to sit him in his tot chair. He was chatty and cheerful, not aware of my distress. The children needed to be fed before I called anyone. Randy’s pickup truck was still parked where he usually parked it.

“Could this Sunday have started so normal?” “Could this be happening to me?” I put a simple meal together while my eyes were drawn back to the note, aware that now everything was different. Yes, there had been problems, ever since he told me he didn’t love me and had planned on leaving me. He didn’t leave that time, but wanted to. It was just over a year since, and I hoped we were better. I tried. I hoped. But it wasn’t enough. It had never been enough.

“Shaky, I feel shaky,” I thought as I turned from the room keeping the children in view. The phone on the wall waited just beyond me. I rehearsed to myself the words I would say. They sounded strange even to me. I dialed my parents. To tell them would be uncomfortable but I had it to do. It was the only thing I could do. “I must be calm. Don’t cry.” I willed myself to be brave. I heard the tremor in my voice as my words spilled out; too quick, too unclear.

“We’ll be right over.” I heard surprise mixed with concern in Mom’s and then Dad’s voice. How unreal it felt, like being in a dream. A repetitive thud was thumping a strident pattern in my chest. I tried to ignore its alarm. I needed to think. What should I be doing? His family, I must call them. They need to know.

It took a great effort to contain my tumbling thoughts, my emotions now competing for dominance. My mind ping-ponged as it slowed to make sense of what I now knew. The most recent event of the evening before came first to mind. It had struck me as rather odd and I had been hurt. We had dressed up for going out. I thought we looked good together, he in his black dress slacks and me in my burgundy summer dress. I had been rather nervous as I anticipated meeting his old friends from Oroville high school. I thought they would like me, at least I hoped so. I wanted to look my best. In the sultry night air, the other young couples looked lovely as they visited and caught up on the ten years of living since high school. I spoke to a few but soon found myself alone. They didn’t know me, of course. I waited for Randy to come over to introduce me but he seemed to have left me. “Where is he?” I glanced at my watch and tried to look at ease, like I belonged.

to be continued

That was just the beginning of the story. God took me on a long journey, where I made choices most people wouldn’t have but I did. I learned a lot about God’s mercy, God’s love, God’s joy and God’s peace. I learned how to bear, to suffer, to know God’s redeeming power, and to know loss, brokenness, and heartache and much more. I have to admit that sometimes I felt sorry for myself. I didn’t think I deserved the treatment I was suffering. And I also felt pain from the choices I had made. I took a journey that was different, difficult, and beautiful, for God had much to teach me, and I had much to learn. I’m thankful for what God taught me as I blazed a trail into the unknown. God is good.

More next week...

It was a quiet night. I had asked each woman to bring a candle and a favorite saying or verse. The ladies came and their voices were excited. They wondered what I was going to do with the verses or whatever they brought. It was an evening meeting. I looked at the women in my group and wondered if they would be touched in some way by what I had planned. I was younger than most of them and wondered if they would participate. I told them I was first off. I would show them what I wanted. First, I told them my verse, and it settled. I wrote my thought on the board. Then I lit my candle. I asked them who wanted to be first. One woman volunteered. I then wrote a message on the board. Then she put her candle on the table next to mine and lit her candle. Then the next one went. Everyone participated (which surprised me).

. . .

Linda

     This verse works as a reminder to me – to keep close to God.

“Jesus saith unto him. Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” – John 20:29

Jeannette

     I find a challenge in this verse, to put God first with eyes on his holiness.

“But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.” – I Peter 1:15;16

Wanda

     For Thou art my God—praise Thy name. How wonderful and great things He is doing for me.

“Praise to the LORD- LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.”- Isaiah 25:1

Mary

     I learned this verse from my father. It has always been precious to me.    

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” –  John 3:16

Anne

     When God is in control, He covers me. I can do all things through Christ.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:3

Cheryle  

     Defines my purpose—and He watches me and makes sure what happens, should happen.

Philippians 4:13 see above

Sarah

     God helps me and can multiply with strength, and boldly he does it, before I think.

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive Mercy and find grace to hope us in our time of need.” – Hebrews 4:16

Alison

     God will quiet us. “He’s got this!” I can feel it relaxing me. Especially when I speak it on a prayer walk.

“The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves, He will take great delight in you; in this love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”– Zephaniah 3:17

Elizabeth

     I am unashamed. I am safe.

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.” – Romans 1:16

Norma

     This speaks of the closeness I feel when I say, I am crucified with Christ. It’s a precious verse to me.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

. . .

Every single one of the women shared a verse and how it had helped them through the trials of life. As they shared I wrote their thought on the white board. When they were finished and everyone had lit their candle, one of the women turned off the lights. I quietly read the words to the group of women. The candles were all lit and the light from the flames made the room feel warm and peaceful. No one moved. No one talked. We were all quiet, reflective, and peaceful. Then we were done. The ladies came up to me and said it was one of the best meetings we ever had. They thanked me. Then they quietly left. They had blessed me. And especially Mary, it was the first and only time she actively participated in front of the church ladies. What a joy it was to see her share her verse with the ladies.

I wrote down what they had shared. It still is precious, though some of the ladies are no longer here. I’m glad I saved it.

That was a special moment.

Take a deep dive and really look at yourself. Than do it again. Where are you strong. Where could you improve. What is your goal? Once you do that, notice where you’ve grown. Maybe you noticed some weaker areas. Make note of them. We always get to move forward. I don’t know about you, but I want to move forward in a positively good way. So, I’m not just going to wait for what happens, but I’m going to make, trust God, hope, and will for the best possible way forward.

First off, it is up to you to know the end game. No one else can do it for you. Figure it out. You can do it! I’m just going to put some things out there that I think makes a difference. You can sort them how you want.

Love is essential. Love makes a way. Love blesses. Love cares for needs even when you’re tired. Love gets you through the terrible days in each and every way. Love is critical to the success of your life.

Laughter and humor makes your home fun. Pastor Pete would often say to us, “Are you fun to live with?” That’s a good question that we should ask ourselves. Lighten up, We can be too serous at times. Enjoy your time together. Sometimes we just have to make ourselves easy to live with. I remember when my youngest daughter went to the insurance office with me. On the desk was a jar of candy, I noticed her noticing it, but I had coached her to not ask for anything, and she didn’t. Instead, she asked about the things on the desk, what she used them for and etc. You know how that went. In just a couple of minutes she was offered a candy.

Validate, accept everyone’s uniqueness. Play to people’s strengths. Encourage the areas of interests. Be sensitive to their fears. Minimize comparisons. Strive to know your child as a person, especially as he enters his own. Some people do this extremely well. Those people stand out. On the opposite end, be careful with your criticisms. A child’s spirit is easily crushed.

Another tool is prayer. Prayer is a resource always available to you. We pray for protection. We pray for spiritual needs, salvation and growth. We pray when someone’s sick, we pray, pray, pray. I remember when my first son got his driver’s license. I prayed for him. He needed the license to go babysit his nephews. He made it, then driving to and from babysitting. Prayer is such a wonderful habit.

Develop a spirit of gratitude. It took me awhile to make this one grow to become a part of me. When life is rough it is hard to remember to to give thanks to God. We develop a spirit of gratitude. Our homes reflect the gratefulness of our hearts. We should give thanks for the many wonderful ways God brings so many big and little things into our lives.

Give praise in all things, good and bad. Praise releases God to work in a situation. It takes some time to learn this one. The more you praise, the less you complain. You can’t praise while you’re complaining.

Shape their lives for Jesus. Disciple is part of it. It is unwise to hover and smother (to act like helicopter parents), but it is also unwise to not have limits and boundaries. Children need structure. The structure helps them control their impulses.

What area spoke to you? There are so many ways God speaks to us. If you noticed one sentence, think about it. I originally wrote this like sixteen years ago when my oldest daughter was expecting her first child. I shared it at a baby shower in my mother’s home. So much has happened since then…she has seven children, lives in Florida, and is a busy mother. I think the same concepts I wrote back then are true today. God gives us opportunities to grow, and change, and develop, and bless, and hope. He blesses us as he brings us along.