Have you ever felt that kind of aloneness, that separation, that suffocating feeling?

A SPIRITUAL INTERVENTION

Do you know Christian people who sometimes feel this way? Is it you? Someone in your family? I have at times. Many do. Men and women, in confidence, have opened up with me about their losses and areas of pain. Almost everything in some way is related to a loss. The hidden things come out in private conversations: the molestations, abortions, rapes, depression, alcoholism, addictions, loneliness, discouragement, betrayals, abandonments, criticisms, exclusion, bullying; disappointments, discouragements, financial reversals, broken relationships, health concerns and so forth.

People want to walk free but they are trapped in a cycle of inner bondage. The bondage is outworking in symptoms of painful thinking and difficult-to-suppress emotions, problems they wish to eliminate. If only I knew how, they think to themselves. I used to wonder at this in my despondent moments. What do wounded people think in their quietest moments (they usually avoid quiet moments)? How can I get rid of the pain? Medical intervention? Mood stabilizers?

What can I do with my inner suffering? Those areas of scarring; my unhealed hurts, my unmet needs, my unresolved issues? The wounding can own us if we’ve never sought to deal with its presence in a spiritually healthy way, one where God can remediate its pain and heal its hurt.

The answer to the question? There is a way.

The solution takes time and a genuine desire for change. This is something that will need to be pursued and will need to be acted upon. It isn’t a magic cure-all. It is as simple as it is profound. The way out, the solution, can only be found in God. What we find in Him isn’t trite; it isn’t temporary or fleeting. It is true and complete. God can be found. He can heal the hurt.

We can live differently. It is possible to deal with residual internal hurt, pain and isolation.

For twenty-one years my life was imprisoned in pain, a pain others could not see. I, myself, was also blind to it. I didn’t recognize it for what it was because I was an over-achiever and a good moral person. I believed I was doing alright spiritually. Yet, my understanding of self was clouded. My inner pain, a result of my own insecurities and other occurrences which negatively impacted me, was invisible to others and also invisible to me. I wore my mask well, so well that I didn’t know it was a mask. I was a nice person, a sincere Christian. I loved God. I served God. I was obedient to God. I didn’t run or avoid. I tried not to blame.

Everything looked good from the outside. Mostly it was good. Yet, there were times when I cried alone during those unsettling moments when I couldn’t shut it out, those times when I sat against a tree trunk in the orchard away from my children where no-one could see me remove my mask. It was the place where raw-emotions came to the surface after an element of indifference toward me caused me to feel like a nothing, an unwanted person. Eventually the emotion would spend itself.

I would ask God to help me. My composure would regain, strengthen, and then I would return to my family. I was a strong woman who didn’t let it show. That was a help to me and kept me functioning. I was determined to be an unwavering person of faith and positive in my parenting and church involvement. The hidden suffering inside of me was a constant companion that I did not understand and could not shake, but it didn’t show.

Frankly, I didn’t know that the problem was the presence of pain since I had borne it for a long time.

I could not shake its deadening effect. It was like a cloak draping my soul in sadness. I became accustomed to keeping a stiff upper lip. I did my best. I worked hard. I was sincere, thoughtful, kind, and not given to anger or self-centered behaviors. God was my support and dear friend. He was wonderful to me and I give Him the credit for sustaining me. But something was in there, and I struggled. Only God knew the ache in my heart, the wounds from which the hurt originated that would bleed time and time again caused by those painful experiences in my past that I would not share with others, not even my closest friends.

Some people would have talked about it or at least vented their frustrations. I didn’t. I was private and wanted to protect and honor my family. I believed it was best, and still believe one should always exercise caution. There is a right time and place for everything. The truth is, my emotions had been damaged by rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. I also had a bad case of devaluing my own self-worth which in-part, stemmed from internalized lies I believed as true; and some of these were self-induced. My walk with God was strong. I trusted in His help and relied on His strength. That is why it didn’t make sense to me that I had a constant companion of sadness that walked with me everywhere day in and day out.

I have come to realize that my inner pain was a form of sorrow. I was grieving the residual effects which stemmed from areas of hurt and loss which I had never adequately acknowledged nor properly grieved. I had been ill-treated and devalued by some personal incidents in my past. Those caused an emotional wounding and shot down my sense of self-worth. I had believed the lies that my emotions had internalized and had no idea how to deal with their aftermath.

Even though I had a strong walk with God, these negative messages were still affecting me.

I was in need of a spiritual intervention. I was in need of God meeting me, confronting the issues, and offering a healing remedy where there was an internalized presence of pain.

More on this and how I confronted my inner pain in the following post.

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©N. L. Brumbaugh

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