The End, but Not the End, Conversations with Emily (23)

This marks the end of the conversations with Emily at this point in time. She and I continue to message back and forth every once in awhile. We will contact each other when one of us is needing some extra prayer or is struggling with some issue and just needs to talk.

me

“Emily” has shared parts of her story in three or more books, but she writes more from the helper angle, as I have in this series. I am hopeful that certain areas of her personal story and our open dialogue have resonated with you.

JUST PLAIN SCARED: CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY (23)

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May 18, 20**

04/18/20** 5:55pm

Emily:

u doing ok?

Me:

I am feeling emotional. Spiritually. I feel a great desire for God. Yesterday I went to the Monastery for their mass. Twenty monks in a circle were singing praises to God. Never been to a service like that before. Later, I went to the Anglican Church for their Maundy Thursday service, a tradition with me. Christ’s love is overwhelming me. I feel blessed. I have been praying for you. I also get emotional b/c my family no longer lives near me, which makes holidays more empty.

Emily:

I hear ya

pray for son please

04/18/20**  5:59pm

Me:

May I ask, is it health or other?

04/18/2014 7:09pm

Emily:

Long story short is that we have spent the afternoon trying to get to the bottom of why things are sounding different. To better understand the situation, my son was born blind 14 1/2 yrs ago and we began dealing with hearing loss in kindergarten. He had additional loss in 3rd grade and significant loss in 6th grade leaving him totally blind from birth with 70% loss in both ears as of last check this past fall. We had a scare again last fall, but God showed up in big ways. This afternoon he came in by me panicked he was going deaf. I learned long ago with all of his medical issues that when I can remain calm…at least on the outside…he handles things much better. So I jumped on the phone at 4p hoping to get a hold of his hearing specialists, but found they were already gone for the weekend. I’ve left messages and scheduled appointments for the soonest possible opening…which is the end of May and not acceptable to me, but I play the game of making the appt and then calling around to find the right doctor who can move it up for us…in case you ever wants to know how to play the game. We ended up running over to urgent care and were able to see his pediatrician who can only tell us the ears look good…clean, drum looks healthy, & no fluid behind it. So….now we wait to hear from his specialists at Children’s hospital Mon morning. Needless to say it’s gonna be a long weekend waiting. Even with the distraction of Easter and spending time with family his anxiety is heightened and with the autism it may make it a really long weekend as he struggles with everyday routines under stress like this. So I ask you to pray for peace for him and strength for me to remain calm throughout this situation while we wait for answers next week sometime and phone calls returned Mon. It’s nothing new, but the only way I’ve learned to manage through is prayer.

Thanks for praying. I PRAISE GOD FOR YOU!

Me:

04/18/20**  10:17pm

Yes. I praise God for you, too. I just read this and feel the scariness of this, a panic for “Isaac,” the fear for the two of you. I must admit to not understanding God’s ways, but I do know He holds us in the palm of His hand. Father God, I pray peace and calm during the storm. I ask healing and miracles for Isaac to the glory of God. May he always praise You with his life. We always pray that Your will would be done, I pray Your will for Isaac. He needs You to touch him and so does his momma. In this Easter weekend, I pray that you would do something beautiful for Isaaac. Cast your love around him and speak to his spirit. May he feel assurance from You that everything will be okay. I ask this request in Jesus name, Amen

Emily:

04/19/20** 4:28am

Ty

04/19/20** 8:10am

Me:

I prayed a long time for him last night. ((Emily)) blessings to you.

Emily:

thanks…he says still no changes today, but i can tell he is much more calm about it all

Me:

I wish and hope for a miracle.

Emily:

we r too

Me:

God be with you. Gotta go to a choir practice in a bit.

Emily:

k…i’m heading out for a run

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April 20, 20**

04/20/20** 7:34am

Me:

Happy Resurrection Day!

04/20/20** 10:41am

Emily:

He Is RISEN! HALLELUJAH!!!

04/20/20** 12:21pm

Me:

Amen. Preach it, sister!

04/26/20** 1:04pm

Me:

Are you having fun?

Emily:

Trying amidst everything that is happening back home.

Me:

I hope you will be able set that stuff aside for the moment and be blessed. I wonder what it’s like to see people you’ve only known as a social media entity. Interesting! I need to keep you in my prayers. I keep getting distracted! Talked to each one of my sons today via cell phone. It was nice … and time consuming! Going to a Christian school fundraiser dinner in a couple of hours. Blessings…

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April 29, 20**

04/29/20** 4:08am

Emily:

I’m not ok…burying friend today who took her own life, and I’m feeling responsible because I didn’t listen to the God nudging in the last couple weeks.

04/29/20** 7:49am

Me:

Oh no! I’m so sorry. That’s a grief in two ways. That happened to my mom with my sister. She kept thinking she should call her but didn’t because she wasn’t feeling well. Well, I will pray for you. Maybe you can be of comfort to her family. They will need it.

04/29/20** 1:52pm

Emily:

thx

04/29/20** 3:50pm

Me:

I’m back from church now. One of the women stayed after to talk with me. It was good. Been thinking of you. I won’t say anything inquisitive. Words fail me. Just know you have my thoughts and prayers. I do want to know if her family is Christian.

04/29/20** 6:29pm

Emily:

four hours later we are back from the service at church now too

05/02/2014 8:29am

Me:

Hey friend, hi ya.

Emily:

Hey

Me:

How was last weekend? How many women? (at the book launch retreat)

Emily:

I’m not a good one to ask…was torn between tragedy at home and trying to be present

It was good from what I can remember

Me:

Sure. You were sad. I didn’t know when the tragedy happened. Was there someone you connected with at the retreat?

Emily:

Yes

It was good to meet in person

Me:

Yes. A wonderful thing. It was a prayer-filled weekend for me. One of my (church) women, she’s 35, was in the mental care facility for three days. Jennifer’s book has caused her to remember and face some horrible memories. I asked many people to pray for her. She is some better and really wants to live for God. I hope she will let me come closer. She’s in emotional pain right now. I know it’s not an easy fix. I don’t always know the answers.

The thing I see changing, is I am becoming an older woman helping the younger. Just like scripture. What a privilege. Pretty cool stuff. Other stuff, two of my sons are coming for Mother’s Day. Yay! Have to go move pipe in the orchard now and then start the irrigation. Later…

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May 4, 20**

05/04/20**  9:44pm

Me:

Hello my friend. I know it’s late so this can be your morning greeting! The joy of the Lord will be your strength. HAGD! N.

05/05/20** 4:05am

Emily:

Having a REALLY hard time hanging onto joy in this grief

05/05/20**  8:54am

Me:

Yes. That’s the way it is. Some things you have to bear through. Maybe instead of “the joy of the Lord” it is “The Lord be your strength (strong tower).” There is a season for everything. A time to mourn… GBU

Emily:

I’m scared

I’m getting swallowed up in this and can’t get out

Me:

What is it? Sadness is natural. pain is too. One has to work through the emotions. Guilt is a common emotion to everyone left behind. Regret is normal as well. That is why suicide is so devastating. It impacts everyone who loved and cared. I hate it. Yet, I also understand the desire to escape that is an overwhelming response to pain. One of the reasons we are using our voices.

Do you want to tell me about her?

Emily:

I just want this crushing of emotions to end

Me:

Do you hear voices?

Emily:

It’s crossed my mind to go join her in the river. I don’t want to do that to my son but I don’t know what else to make this stop

I’m losing time…things like going to the basement to get clothes from dryer only to find I already got them at some point already and don’t recall when. Or stopping at an intersection not seeing any oncoming traffic and checking both ways to look up into oncoming traffic and be startled by a vehicle that just seems to have appeared out of no where. What seems like just seconds to me makes me do a double take and question how long I was sitting at that intersection anyway

Me:

It’s not the answer. And you know it. That would ruin his life and mark him forever. I have experienced what you are speaking of. The mind can only cope with so much. After that it is frazzled. I’ve had some major upsets and my mind was on over-load. I wasn’t sharp.

Emily:

I just don’t wanna do something stupid when I’m not thinking straight

Me:

Brains have a limit too. I became agoraphobic at one point. I had four children at the time. I couldn’t sleep worth a darn. And there was little money. I had to quit my job because of the waves of blackness that would make me feel faint. I didn’t trust myself to drive the car because I was sleep deprived. It was a slow return to normal. But I got there (with no medication either). A friend gave me a book that helped me, Hope and Help for your nerves. It helped dismantle my fear cycle by making me realize that my fear of my fear symptoms was part of the problem. Really, too many life events had put me into a panic mode. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. Just remember, there is always (always) hope. You are a woman who has much to offer. Don’t loose sight of the blessings that God has put in you. You are a miracle. You have been rescued out of the pit. God don’t make mistakes. I’m pulling for you. Some day I want to be on the cover of Guidepost magazine with you, and a speak to the blessing/miracle of our friendship. I am certain to go through tough times in the future, and YOU will be one of my encouragers.

You’re right, it’s scary when you can’t depend on your physical body. I will pray. I’m getting off now. I am babysitting my niece in a few minutes and I need to get myself together. I will pray.

Just teasing about Guideposts. Just saying. God is here.

Emily:

thank you

05/05/20**  10:19pm

Me:

GN Emily. G is playing the Beauty and the Beast theme song. A good one to ease in the ending to the day. Tomorrow the ladies come to my house. I shampooed the carpet today. It’s our last session for the morning group. We will have lunch together. I hope it has a nice closure to it. Let me know how you’re doing sometime in the day. I won’t be so talkative tomorrow. I won’t have as much time. Take care, N

Name three things that make you happy.

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May 6, 20**

05/06/20** 4:03am

Emily:

Got nothing these days

05/06/20**  4:46pm

Me:

It all depends.

Emily:

Sun, son, & SON

Starting to see blue sky from behind the dark storm clouds that have been hovering over me

Me:

Yes. Good.

05/06/20**  5:54pm

Me:

I just found out my cousin has lymphoma. He and I are close but don’t see each other very often. It’s sobering news. He is an AA sponsor and has strong faith–but marches to a different drummer… unconventional… which is something I like about him. He works for Boeing. Gotta teach ladies tonight. They like to talk so it runs late. One of the ladies can pray with power. I love listening to her pray. Blessing, N.

Emily:

i’ll pray…came home last week to find out my house was made into a safe house for my sis in her marriage and just found out yesterday my aunt was diagnosed with some sort of cancer…she’s having a hysterectomy next Tues….all of this is just a lot on top of my friend’s suicide

05/06/20** 10:03pm

Me:

Just got home. Lots going on in your life. TU for the prayer.

05/08/20**  7:16am

Emily:

not doing ok, but just left msg to schedule appt with therapist…praying she doesn’t let me back out when she actually gets to calling me back to schedule

Me:

I think that’s a good step forward. I will pray that it will come together for you and it will help. I’ll be praying different times today.

Emily:

thx

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May 8, 20**  8:35pm

05/08/20** 8:35pm

Me:

Tried to get back to you sooner but it didn’t happen. Let me know how it went today.

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May 9, 20**

05/09/20** 2:14am

Emily:

Have appt scheduled for Mon and spoke with sis. Uneventful day with her showing up but spoke with local women’s shelter about ways to keep us all safe at my house. Had sobering conversation with my son at dinner because he overheard my conversation with my sis on the phone and had questions. He is prepared to call police if he hears commotion and knows he should stay in his room or the basement with the boys and not come find out what’s going on.

05/09/20**  7:31am

Me:

My goodness. That’s unsettling. Prayers for protection and safety today.

Emily:

only unsettling if he needs to act on what we’ve discussed

otherwise he is feeling prepared

and i’m feeling better now that we’ve discussed it as well

Me:

Ok

Emily:

sad to have to share it with him though

Me:

That’s right. Is it a case of domestic abuse?

Emily:

sis says he hasn’t, but both of them r getting in each others face and the kids are hearing them both say hateful things to each other

Me:

I see. Spiraling out of control.

Emily:

and I’m trying not to

Me:

That’s good.

Emily:

don’t know how good it is…I’m barely holding on

Me:

Right. But the desire is there.

Emily:

i guess

Me:

You’re a fighter. You’ll get there.

Emily:

guess so

bit of a scary ride though

Me:

True. Getting off now. Son #1 is gonna borrow the IPAD. Blessings.

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June 26, 20**

06/26/20**  8:04pm

Me:

Hi Emily, Glorianne is with her dad for a couple of nights, so I feel like I’m a free bird! He’s out from Vermont for a family reunion at a campground a couple of hours from here. Hey, I was wondering about your part in the new book. Is it similar to “Jennifer’s” book? (I mean, should I buy it!). I read the bio info on you. Thought it was great. I think its a brave step, to put a face on it. Maybe you will get to participate in book signings or speaking. You never know. On my blog bio, I added family pictures which have the father of my children in them on my blog site’s “About Me.” That even took some courage. I have no idea if he knows about my blog.

How are things going? Anything new?

Emily:

yes the book is worth buying….even if i am a lil biased, not like jennifer’s book at all. it’s 28 separate stories of 28 separate women where jennifer’s book was her story with maybe a dozen of ours intertwined…she was still telling it though. this book its me telling it.

Me:

Cool. Were you nervous?

Emily:

same nausea as with the other book

Me:

Do you feel that you are still under spiritual warfare, the enemy attacking? (I thought you were anyway)

Emily:

ya

its why I’m asking God for confirmation on some things before i act on them…wanna make sure its God I’m hearing and not some wolf in lambs clothing

Me:

I hear you. I was just talking about confirmation with my oldest daughter. She was unaware of that concept.

Emily:

i have to say…i had to ask a friend just today if it was ok for me to ask for confirmation…i know I’m supposed to be obedient and didn’t want the asking to be some form of lack of trust…just feeling extremely vulnerable and wanna make sure what I’m hearing is truly from God and not the enemy trying to get me to jump off a cliff

Me:

God confirms in three ways: 1. Through scripture 2. Through godly friends 3. Through the inward settled “at peace” feeling. If it wars inside your head, most likely it’s not God. I always pay attention to the peace factor. The enemy has misled me. So I ask God for confirmation, I even will put a time-table on it. Also, God never shouts at us. His voice is calm and weighted.

Emily:

yup

Me:

What I try not to do is to put God to the test. That scares me.

Would you like to share more? What this is about?

Emily:

what what is about?

Me:

What you are seeking confirmation about.

Emily:

oh ya…thats what we were talking about

I’m hearing i should quit my day job…this book may be opening up doors for more writing and potentially some speaking which is what i was doing before i became a mom…making my living on the road…and i love it…spending a couple weeks in July doing just that

Me:

That’s a big step.

Emily:

between my two businesses, writing, & speaking could i keep the house and still manage financially…God’s gotta make it clear

Me:

I’m getting off now. I’ll join you in prayer on this and that you will know fairly soon.

Emily:

thx

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June 29, 20**  9:03pm

06/29/20**  9:03pm

Emily:

No amount of reading or praying is working…gonna cry myself to sleep and pray tomorrow is another day…joy comes in the morning, right?

never mind…

06/29/20** 11:21pm

Me:

Sorry, I wasn’t on, Emily. I couldn’t sleep last night and was exhausted this morning. But I can blame mine on caffeine. Why the tears?

06/30/20**  4:13am

Emily:

Forget it

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July 1, 20** 6:36pm

07/01/2014 6:36pm

Me:

It must be a difficult time. Lots of people struggling right now.

Emily:

ya…some days i fight better than others

Me:

Me too. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Especially when they have a situation with a mate that’s difficult.

Emily:

Was just counseling sis tonight who’s struggling in her marriage

If I hear “however” one more time I just might shake her

Me:

Yep.

Emily:

I’ve never even been married…don’t know the first thing other than what i could hope for one day

Me:

Boy, I hear ya.

Emily:

all i can do is listen

so that’s what i do

Me:

Good. Probably best.

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July 2, 20**

07/26/20**  6:55pm

Me:

Would you pray wisdom for me. Stuff is going on in my church (behind the scenes) that is getting me concerned. I may have to take a hard line on a couple of issues. What I do impacts others since I’m leading the women. It grieves me and I see the devil’s manipulation of individuals. I may even have to leave the church eventually. I would take it as God moving me on. But there would be collateral damage. I need clear thinking and courage.

Emily:

Absolutely praying

Me: Thank you. I need it.

. . .and so it goes. This is it, ‘The End,’ for now.

Pray for Emily and her son, Isaac, if you happen to think about them.

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