Many years ago I was given a copy of The Dance of Anger by my brother-in-law. Both he and I were in crisis mode caused by our mates’ leaving us. It was painful. We would commiserate over coffee, compare notes, and even pray together. We were searching for answers to the muck and mire in our changing lives. He, a recovered alcoholic, was taking steps to repair his life and to make sense of his relationship with family members. He gave me this book because it helped him. I was surprised, I didn’t think I was angry or needed it, and I really didn’t expect to like it or to find it helpful. It is secular and written by a feminist (which I am not), and I usually go to Christian resources for self-help advice. But, I was wrong. The more I read the more I realized how angry I really was. I had buried my feelings in order to try to keep my husband and save my marriage. The Dance of Anger offered me understanding in areas that had plagued me. I saw myself in the pages that describe people who de-self over and over again to keep peace and harmony within the family relationship model (and in the workplace). People who never stand up for themselves, who let people railroad them. I realized that there is a difference between giving in to another’s demands and having a healthy self-respect that says it is okay to disagree. I made the connection to my own life which helped me in all my relationships, personal and professional.
One of the most helpful concepts for me personally is her explanation concerning relationship triangles. Relationship triangles are the stuff of life, we’re all in them. Realizing how these work fundamentally changed my perception and understanding of healthy family interactions or lack there-of (unhealthy bonds). This has made me cognizant of the imbalance of power-plays that can or will undermine the many threesomes in our lives. Here are some of the relationship triangles I’ve had in my life: parent/parent/child, parent/child/child; administrator/employee/client; teacher/student/parent; administrator/teacher/parent and so forth. We manage our anger in many ways. Characteristic styles of anger management fall in categories of behavior. There are the pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners, or overfunctioners. (pp 191, 192 – 1985 edition) Lerner gives us a gift through the messages in this book. She helps us peal the layer of dysfunction as it relates to anger and misguided perceptions. Some will get more from this book than others, and it’s not just for women. Note: I haven’t read the revised edition of the book, The Dance of Anger
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