The text was desperate. It wasn’t the first and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I responded with “Let’s talk.” We talked and talked. I heard the heartbreak, the despair and hopelessness. Yet I knew the marriage was not without hope. They’d been together several years and neither had been unfaithful. Negative energy was blanketing the marriage. It was the same song and dance, two unhappy people looking to each other for validation and acceptance and neither having it reflected back. Angry accusations, unhappy and bitter feelings were pulling them further apart, creating distance and barriers in their relationship. I’d been down that road in my own life and know sometimes we have to step outside to see inside. I sent a follow-up text the next day in the form of a 30-day challenge. The challenge was accepted. The couple is still together as of this writing (two years since). I have intentionally removed names and specific gender. Please apply whatever fits to your situation. God bless you. …
TEXT MESSAGE
Friend,
After we talked last night, I was praying and thinking about what is happening. I have an idea that just might work, or at least help you and your marriage. It’s not going to be easy–but it may help. It is in the form of a challenge.
I challenge you to —
- For 30 days, every single day greet your mate with a smile and a pleasant expression.
- For 30 days, every single day say something to your mate about what you like about him/her such as his/her appearance, work ethic, or say a word of appreciation for the hard work he/she does to support you and the children. Look for things, even small things.
- For 30 days, every single day reduce your complaining and nagging. A mate hates this (trust me, it’s true).
- For 30 days, every single day treat your mate with respect even when you don’t think he/she deserves it. Men/women need to be respected.
- For 30 days, help your mate remember the beautiful person he/she married. Ask God to help you each day, especially when you feel alone, rejected, or defeated.
One regret I have is that I didn’t appreciate my husband enough, and I didn’t thank him or compliment him when he really needed it. I think he felt trapped. When a man feels trapped, he does things to escape. Help your mate to once again see the beautiful person you are.
My dear friend, you can’t change your mate, but you can bless him/her by your actions. If you accept this challenge, I want you to text/email me that you are doing this and then I want you to confirm with a text/email that you are doing it every week of the 30 days–and let me know of any positive results. Bless you.
Norma
(nlbrumbaugh@gmail.com)
What a great challenge.
One thing I try to do on a daily basis…30 days and way more…is to be OK with occasional lack of respect, and complaints/nagging. It’s not armouring myself against my wife; rather, it’s the realization that a large part of her life is lived separately, at work, and while she can’t take out frustrations there, she can exercise them at home.
It’s the knowledge that I am not the target, that makes all the difference.
Yes, it is a great challenge. There are times we forget to be appreciative. I find that the object of this little exercise applies with more than mates (especially since I don’t have one!). My grown kids need some positive feedback. In fact, there are times when I find myself critiquing someone else’s performance when I really should mind my own business (usually non verbal, but still happens). “It’s the knowledge that I am not the target, that makes all the difference.” That’s good.