Monthly Archives: May 2016

Posted on

Struggle, Empathy, Sex, Overcoming: Conversations with Emily (19)

Dealing with the truth is not easy but in some cases dealing with the past is even harder. We are the choices we make. However, sometimes this is not true when the choices are made for us, especially when we are powerless.

JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

Warning: Sensitive material included.

______________

January 12, 20**

1/12/20**

Emily: Thurs night my dad told me bout a fella he had dinner with at the pastors conf he’s at in St.Louis

 

Me:  And…

 

Emily:  brought a lot of stuff up for me cuz i went to school in st. paul with this guy,

his story to my dad is that we didn’t run with a real good crowd

 

Me:  Oh. Cat outta the bag

 

Emily:  truth is…he and I hooked up before hooking up was popular

 

Me:  Oh. Not just a friend. More to it

 

Emily:  ya…he knew me when i ran with the gangs

and was selling myself

 

Me:  Why did you take that risk? Were you desperate for acceptance?

 

Emily:  long story

 

Me:  Ok. Let’s have it

 

Emily:  if thur night wasn’t enough of a walk down memory lane…

Fri topped it.

showed up at my nephew’s basketball game to find my son’s father there

we’ve not seen (each other) in 8-10 yrs

 

Me:  Oh, wow!

 

Emily:  he was there watching his son on the other team…

found out my son has a bro & sis

 

Me:  You talked?

 

Emily:  i approached him by concessions after the first game

or maybe some would say confronted him

 

Me:  How’d it impact you?

 

Emily:  it rattled me!

deep to the core

 

Me:  Of course

Did you ever love him?

 

Emily:  no…it was purely a physical relationship

 

Me:  How did he react?

 

Emily:  we had a nice public conversation where he continued to lie to my face

and thinking i don’t see right through em

 

Me:  Was your son at the game?

 

Emily:  no…that would’ve added a whole new twist to all of this

Me:  Whew!

 

Emily:  i met the kids, not sure what questions they asked on their drive home.

told ” isaac” all about it when i got home though

 

Me:  Heavy stuff for him to process.

I’ve always wondered if my ex has any kids out there I don’t know about.

 

Emily:  son has taken it in stride…prob doing better than me really

 

Me:  Crazy was a good description.

 

Emily:  tell me bout it

 

Me:  Did you live with Isaac’s father?

 

Emily:  never

 

Me:  So, not much history with him.

 

Emily:  just a physical relationship…kinda goes back to st. paul really

your question bout why…

i numbed myself of all the sex with just more sex

don’t know if that makes sense or is too much info for ya

sorry

 

Me:  No. Not at all.

But why did you join a gang?

 

Emily:  first place i ever belonged

 

Me:  That’s what I wanted to know.

 

Emily:  left for freshman year of college believing i already

was 2 of that 1 in 3 women (that) experience sexual abuse before they are 18

and thought that made me invincible from becoming 3

 

Me:  Ok

 

Emily:  i’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations…

first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade

 

Me:  Terrible.

 

Emily:  but the brutal attack my freshman yr in college pushed me over the edge and i ran to the gangs

they took care of me in a way

but at a hefty price of working the streets for them

that was after the brutal initiation though

 

Me:  There’s so much to this story

 

Emily:  ya…sorry

 

Me:  No sorry, please. You don’t shock me.

I have former students in gangs. It grieves me.

 

Emily:  it’s funny how back then its what i did to survive

and looking back how messed up that looks

 

Me:  I see a kid that’s hurt and neglected and later they become ripe for gangs

 

Emily:  ya

 

Me:  Pastor’s daughter, didn’t you say?

Everyone really is looking to be loved in some way. At least I think so.

Everyone is looking to be loved in some way.
Click To Tweet

 

Emily:  ya

 

Me:  I only slept with my husband. The only man ever and only in marriage. I find it more difficult in some ways to remain celibate now after 11 yrs alone b/c I feel more attractive as a confident woman than I used to be. Men notice me but I ignore them.

My life belongs to God and I must have a man who is in it with me or do without.

 

Emily:  i’ve never known the intimacy of marriage.

sex has only been either in abuse or what i used to numb the abuse

Me:  I get that. It might be hard to adjust to a marriage relationship.

 

Emily:  yet God gave me a yearning for a marriage last year

 

Me:  I yearn for a man who understands my bent.

The right man could make all the difference. However, it is scary. I look at “Betty,” her post this morning completely surprised me, maybe her, too (her husband left her). You could have knocked me over with a feather b/c they seemed to be so close, in-love. How can we know a man will ‘stick’ and not run? I don’t know. I think that’s great, though. A desire for marriage caused by God is meaningful.

 

Emily:  ya that was a shocker…but didn’t surprise me really

 

Me:  I sent her a private message.

 

Emily:  ya

did she respond

 

Me:  Yes. She said it’s not fun.

 

Emily:  i don’t imagine so

 

Me:  I think it’s bound to be harder when it’s been sweet, and you think you’ve got the real deal. The crash is more in the area of disbelief that this person really was not what you thought they were. It happened once to me a few years back with someone I dated, and I still find it hard to believe that someone who loved so completely could shut out that love. Yet, I guess it was better that it happened before marriage. I am too gullible! Yet, I am suspicious too…that comes with being hurt.

Sorry. Talking too much.

 

Emily:  ur not talking too much

 

Me:  K

The bad thing is, I still miss him. He felt like a soul mate. The only time I’ve ever experienced that sort of connection.

 

Emily:  u mentioned its hard to be celibate…can i ask how u do it

 

Me:  Ok. Just a moment. I’m fixing myself a bite to eat.

 

Emily:  i think my parents just arrived for the evening.

we can chat another time

 

Me:  Ok. Enjoy them

I may answer the question but I won’t expect a reply.

I guess the most truthful answer is that I know what limit I have set, and I won’t deviate from it. I’ve made a promise to God that my life is his to do as he wishes. If I go back on my promise, or bring shame by my actions, then I will shoot myself in the foot by becoming a hypocrite and end my usefulness. I guess it’s mind over matter. I am a woman who likes amour so it is something I deny myself. I’m not perfect by any means, but I have certain lines I will not cross no matter how much the woman part of me might wish it. I know how to separate thought from feeling most of the time. I do admit to feeling starved for affection at times. I love being close to a man that I care for. Some women are not this way. One thing that holds me back is that I hate breaking up or having someone fall in love with me when I don’t see them as marriage potential. I quit dating except for a casual date once in awhile with a friend of mine who I keep contact with.

Any more questions…bring ’em on!

Talk with you later.

 

01/12/20** 8:13pm

Emily:  everyone is in bed now here

how can mind win over matter when it comes to biology?

 

Me:  One decides in advance.

And you only go out with someone who respects it.

 

Emily:  ya…that’s NEVER worked no matter how many times i’ve decided.

biology has always taken over

 

Emily:  its actually how my son came about…

ya…maybe that’s where i’ve always gone wrong…

always talked about my wishes,

but guess they never respected my wishes

 

Me:  They have to have a respect for God.

 

Emily:  well they’ve said so with their words…

 

Me:  Yes. Some men are duplicitous…in fact, many men.

 

Emily:  and can’t say I’ve even been out with a guy in 15 yrs anyway

 

Me:  Well, if you start going out, be careful. It seems like sex has become a problem in the Christian values area.

It is easy to compromise. It’s easier not to date than to deal with temptation/biology. My opinion.

 

Emily:  ya…prob part of why I’ve not been out in so long,

but temptation is still there just as much by myself

sorry…

Me:  It’s ok

 

Emily:  no its not

 

Me:  It’s ok to be honest with me.

What kind of man do you want? Personality wise.

 

Emily:  strong, warm, funny

 

Me:  Sounds nice.

 

Emily:  I’m big pic kinda person, would like a more detail person, but not so anal bout the details it drives me crazy,

just enough to balance me out

 

Me:  I see

Negative ppl drive me crazy. I don’t want someone who looks on the bad side of things.

 

Emily:  i’m falling asleep here…gonna have to say goodnight

 

Me:  Ok. Take care and good night.

 

Emily:  who knows what kind of sleep i’ll get…can hear my parents snoring in the basement! UG!

 

Me:  Listen to music … GN

 

Emily:  i have the tv on…will fall asleep to that

______________

January 19, 20**

01/19/2014 4:20pm

Emily:  what ya up to?

 

Me:  I thought heading to church for a singspiration in ten min. You?

 

Emily:  looking for a friend to talk to…enjoy church

sing some for me

 

Me:  Oh. Rats. Wish I could talk.

 

Emily:  no worries…go get ur praise on

 

Me:  Yes. I can do that. Need to do that !

Later alligator…

__________

Emily has some past experiences none of us would welcome. As a child, then youth, then college coed, she was taken advantage of, misunderstood, sexually abused, unhappy, and used. All of this ‘stuff’ caused a numbing in her, and it was hidden from her Christian family. By the way, her father is a pastor.

Truly, it is difficult to overcome or even face such things. Her words, “I’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations; first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade. Sex has only been either in abuse or what I used to numb the abuse.”

As a Christian, freedom does not come until there is a healing and a letting go. Understanding of this is what I contribute throughout our private online communications. It is a slow process of building trust, empathizing, making suggestions and sharing what I know to be true. I try to be there for Emily, to coax out the struggle and then help her deal with her past. I am a friend first, lay counselor second.

Most of all, I care. I am an anonymous, safe person for Emily as she sorts out her past and finds hope for her tomorrow. In today’s conversation, we find a shocker that comes Emily’s way and that will lead us to talk about purity and a godly perspective of sex. Then she asks me a sensitive question.

Walking thru the pain of the past is easier with a caring friend.
Click To Tweet

A kid that's hurt and neglected later becomes ripe for gangs.
Click To Tweet

Leave a comment.

__________

LINKS

>next post:  Jesus with skin on:  Conversations with Emily

<previous post:  Friendship, the Daniel Fast, and a good neighbor:  Conversations with Emily (18)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

__________

I welcome your comments.

Posted on

Strong and True: Song of America

“I’m more than honored to give my life for my country.”

We are not a military family but it was fast becoming our new reality. Here we were sitting around my folks’ dining room table discussing what we had come to know about the ins and outs of military life. The recent months had initiated our three families. We talked about it all: Boot camp and its demands; the rigors of training; the writing and receiving of letters; a shared desire to support our sons; the current world situation; and our concerns for future and potential wartime maneuvers.

My two sisters and I had entered a new world. Each of us had launched a son into military service that year of 2012. Our three sons now represented the United States, one as a Navy Aviation Machinist, another as an Army Ranger, and the third as an Army Officer. My son-in-law, with many years in the Air Force, rounded out our family’s military presence. With our sons now entering the fray, we felt uncertainty and concern, and unvoiced fear. We also felt pride and assurance. Our sons were the type to go the distance.

Earlier in the year, my son at age twenty-nine, college graduate and hard worker, had announced to me his intention to enlist. He had expected me to buck it, to question his thinking, and to make argument. Instead, I remembered back to a decade before, when I had discouraged him from enlisting soon after his high school graduation.

This time I was quiet and kept my own counsel. I feared that the tender heart which I knew was part of my son’s persona would not be a good fit for military life. Now he was a man, responsible, strong and caring—but it was no less hard.  He toned, jogged, and ran, ate healthy, made good choices, and reduced calories; mentally, physically, and intellectually prepared. He knew it would take intentional determination on his part.

My prayers for him and his cousins have become frequent and routine over the past few months. Complications are to be expected, and there were a few. The challenges came and went. The boys made it in and kept on going. I knew my son would be an asset, which he has proven to be, but he was also older than the younger set. He was fit due to his fitness regimen, which paid off. It also helped that he was level-headed, respectful, hard working and able to get along with people. His life experiences had been many and diverse, and he knew how to manage his own affairs. He and his two cousins worked hard and sought to do well, and they soon became leaders in their own right. But a mother remembers her little boy; she knows her son’s vulnerabilities. I shouldn’t have worried. He has managed quite well.

After he was good to go, the memories began piling up. First, came the day of sending him off to boot camp. My mother, youngest daughter, and I,  driving twenty hours straight, returned from Colorado to our home in California, arriving at 1:30 a.m., the morning my son was scheduled to leave for boot camp. It was important for me to see my son off, when he would take his leave at 10:00 a.m. We slept a few hours and then it was time. My father stood with his grandson under the walnut trees next to the driveway. They were facing each other at eye level, both straight and tall.

My father expressed his wishes for his grandson, for the best in the days ahead. He encouraged with confident words that said he was proud of my son. It struck me as significant, like a familial blessing being passed from generation to generation, the stuff that forms a boy into a man. I could hear their talk, but I was not close enough to be part of the conversation.

After my father finished speaking, grandpa and grandson shook hands and hugged. My heart tugged as I watched the two of them. My father is not a man who makes speeches; this was an eloquent, rare moment I was privileged to observe. Then the five of us gathered in a circle, clasped hands, and my dad prayed for my son’s safety and strength. A sense of the surreal accompanied me as I drove my son to the recruiter’s office and said goodbye to him. The long wait had begun.

The intervening years between then  and now have played like a series of snapshots, one after the other: Attending my son’s graduation in Illinois; watching the various cadet units parade into a cavernous building, dressed in navy whites, marching in rows to a drum cadence; swelling pride in my heart with an accompanying mist in my eyes, my married daughter and middle son sitting next to me—all of us straining to see as my son’s unit enters the building in uniformity of precision—and then seeing him.

Josh's graduationIt is a Wow moment. Afterwards, we go out to eat, my navy son, my second son, and my oldest daughter. The restaurant offers my newly minted sailor-son a meal on the house in thanks for his military service, which comes as a surprise to him and the three of us. He is modest, uncomfortable with the extra attention. We walk out on the pier by Lake Michigan. Other cadets are there with their families. It is a sweet time, and I find myself in awe. Again, it feels surreal.

The third picture is when he comes home on leave. He arrives in his navy service uniform, affectionately called “peanut butters”; he knows I will enjoy seeing him in military attire. We sit on the back patio and eat an informal meal.

My son shares a few stories, how he is the old man in his unit—how the younger guys respect him and call him “Grandpa”—the challenges and successes, what he has learned during training as a plane captain for a land, not sea, position. I see in him a defining, a new level of maturity with an acquired confidence in bearing. He knows what he is about. My man-child is kind and helpful, appreciative of the home-cooked meals and says so. “This tastes great, Mom!” The days pass much too swiftly.

His story is only a continuance, not an ending. The other day, we talked on the phone. His request for an extension is approved, and he wants me to know what the next few months will entail including another deployment. We talk about the business end of things: a power of attorney directive, a will, and finances. I ask if he will be at risk when he deploys.

He states that he doesn’t expect to be involved in any military action. Then his voice becomes solemn, quiet, clear and direct. By his subdued tone, I sense his next words will be meaningful.

After a pause, he says,

“But if that should be the case, if I should make the ultimate sacrifice, I want you to know, I’m more than honored to give my life for my country.”

I know his words are true. Honesty is in his voice. My heart becomes still as I remember them; and the tears swim. He’s a good son, one of America’s strong and true, and I miss him today.

I love you, my son.

-2016