Stinkin’ Thinkin’, Insecurity and Reality , Conversations with Emily (10)

People hide the bad things in their lives. If it’s pretty raw, people get shocked. I think it is important to know that the Christian community is made up of all of us and that we all start at different places. 

blog Emily 10JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY (10)

For the person whom has messed up, they can find encouragement, validation, and hope from reading someone’s story, someone whom has been there, dealt with it, and overcome. We need authentic overcomers who prove to us that we can make it too.

The conversation continues.

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October 9, 20**

10/9, 6:51pm

Emily:

I’ve messed up AGAIN!

10/9, 9:50pm

Me:

I forgot the poem. Rats! Well, do you want to share it or deal with it or??? Btw, I loved your light bulb moment. You got to preaching!

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October 10, 20**

10/10, 4:13am

Emily:

Need prayer today big time. Stinking thinking winning out right now cuz of exhaustion…restless night last night

10/10, 4:46am

Emily:

what lightbulb moment? don’t wanna share or deal. still would like the poem

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October 10, 20**

10/10, 10:05am<

Me:

A Desert Bloom

I saw you today, as a little flower, Long you were there, a lone seed in the desert sand./ The winds came, parching the ground./ You waited, someday … someday … someday./ The sun beat down, mercilessly sucking the moisture away./ You waited … you listened … you said, “When Lord?”

Year after year the desert landscape moved./ The sand blew this way and that, a restless shifting./ Desert creatures slithered and crawled, Giving life to the dry barren lands most majestic./ Their cries and movement in contrast to the ever-present pause./ Time stood still, an endless strangeness, a cunning wildness.

And then one day the rain came … and came./ In torrents it flooded the land, strong, masterful in command/ Gushing here and there, the sand grew refreshingly wet/ “Finally,” you said, “Oh yes,” the thirsty soul quenched … satisfied/ Joyfully you sprang up to greet the new day, stirred to radiant life/ Beautiful, serene, lovely to behold, a real desert trophy.

Your Maker said, “Why, there you are, my sweet princess?/ The wait was long, but just look at you!/ Petals exquisite, the color, deep and rich, The grandeur of much-anticipated new birth./ Yes, your hue is remarkable, you have intricate lines,/ Such a delicate reminder of the grace of my touch.”

I saw you today as a little flower, Most beauteous to behold,/  With a pure loveliness that comes when much suffering is borne,/ A rare find in this timeless desert plain. /One who has trusted, believed with a steadfast heart, in the unseen,/ For you are a reflection of the Maker’s glory, a rare bloom divine.

Written for a friend, N. L. Brumbaugh 2006

10/10, 10:09am

Emily:

I LUV IT!!!!!!

10/10, 10:12am

Me:

The lighbulb moment was in an earlier message, about seeking the Lord thru scripture.

My printer won’t print. What’s next? I’m taking an on-line course on publishing but now I can’t copy the material. : ( It says it has a paper jam but I can’t find ANY paper that’s jammed. I tried to clear the settings, but no dice. Crazy. Bummed.

10/10, 10:16am

Emily:

Bummer!

10/10, 10:16am

Me:

Can I ask you a question? It’s about how I come across to others.

10/10, 10:16am

Emily:

Sure…ask away

10/10, 10:21am

Me:

I sometimes feel that I come across wrong in the group, like I’m sort of an outsider. I tend to be insecure, but it’s made me wonder if I am sounding like a know-it-all or preachy. Which, of course, I don’t want to be that way. I strive to be real and genuine, sincere in my comments. .  . I’m not the best with social interactions. I want to improve.

10/10, 10:21am

Me:

Any comments or suggestions? No risk here. i won’t take it wrong.

10/10, 10:25am

Emily:

. . . you come off as genuine and sweet in the group. i don’t get preachy from u at all. ur real and i don’t see know-it-all.i think the enemy has got all of us second guessing ourselves here. I’m normally not shy, but find i am in the group

10/10, 10:30am

Emily:

at the beginning when i’d posted or asked for prayer there was maybe one or two responses and someone else would post the same exact thing later that day and there’d be a number of responses so i just stopped posting. the enemy had me believing i just wrote for the book and didn’t belong here.

10/10, 10:31am

Emily:

but that still small voice asked me to remain a part of the group even if from the outskirts

i had a hard time posting my video because i didn’t want it to be the same thing….seeing everyone else having people respond and then no one comment on mine. BUT GOD!

everyone has shown tremendous love and support and I think it may be the same for you…you are an important part of this group!

10/10, 10:34am

Me:

Ok. I know. Popularity by number of responses! Crazy.

I do believe in its purpose.

10/10, 10:35am

Emily:

and that’s why u are a part…an IMPORTANT part!

Jennifer would love to be everyone’s bff.  . . .

10/10, 10:37am

Me:

It has taken lots of time away from other things. When I write a blog, it takes me hours, because I revisit and make changes a lot. I didn’t realize the amount of time it would take. But, I don’t regret it. . . .

I’ve been curious how you ended up being in the book. We were you already acquainted?

10/10, 10:48am

Emily:

u still here?

or did i say or share something wrong?

10/10, 11:40am

Me:

No. I’m busy on my computer doing some research. but, done now. You haven’t done anything wrong

10/10, 11:44am

Emily:

Ok…sorry…thought I may have offended ya inadvertently.

10/10, 11:52am

Me:

So, how did you end up in Jennifer’s book? Did you know her from before she wrote it? I’m just a curious person and have wanted to ask you this ever since you told me. (Your story is something that women relate to.)

10/10, 12:01pm

Emily:

Thanks for answering my questions. I feel better now. I was thinking of not participating as much, of course, there may not be much more to do.

I am hoping to incorporate a few of the women to support me and my next book. It should be done toward the end of November. I could use a little help with getting the word out. . . . People don’t know about my writing and I didn’t have any author connections. That’s part of the reason I decided to do this book launch.

I have to go do some other things. Talk later.

10/10, 12:08pm

Emily:

sorry…got a phone call from work…had to do some troubleshooting

10/10, 12:16pm

Emily:

i answered some writing prompts she threw out to people and the rest is history…i didn’t know her. how can women relate? i always feel so alone in my story. it’s not like i cross paths with ex-bangers in the life i lead today. it doesn’t matter how much i understand why i did some of the things i did i still find i judge myself for the choices i made…regardless of the fact many of them were survival mechanisms that kept me alive to be able to talk about it today. I’ve met one woman…happened to be through this launch team…that could really get the day to day life I’m living today with always being on edge with the ptsds because of my past. so I’m VERY curious what you find would be easy for others to relate to.

10/10, 1:07pm

Me:

It’s because people hide the bad things in their lives. If it’s pretty raw, people get shocked. I think it is important to know that the Christian community is made up of all of us, and that we all start at different places. For the person who has “messed up” they can find encouragement, validation, and hope from reading your story. In the Bible, I am always touched by Mary Magdalene’s response to Christ. She worships in utter love and adoring because she has been forgiven much and found much in return. I have some (relatives) right now who were raised in a wonderful home, but they have chosen a different lifestyle. When they come to the end of it, they will relate to others who have come to the center. My Ex has never quit running. A person who faces them-self, then finds God to be enough, has a stronger story that people can relate to. Even circumspect people NEED to understand and become accepting of those who have come back or found faith after years as prodigals.

Glad you were willing to share it with the world. A hard thing indeed. Glad yu connected with someone who you can share your stuff and be safe in doing so. That is worth a lot!

Btw, the printer works now. I bought 3 hole punched printer paper, and it won’t accept it. I sent a message to the company and that came up as a possible problem. Good to know. Yay!

10/10, 1:10pm

Emily:

so glad to hear ur printer issues solved

10/10, 2:00pm

Emily:

Anxiety is getting the best of me at the moment…please pray

10/10, 2:29pm

Me:

yes. I will.

10/10, 2:42pm

Emily:

Son is playing hymns on the organ for next hr at local blood drive

10/10, 2:53pm

Me:

That’s interesting, I’m taking my daughter to give blood as soon as I pick her up from school!

10/10, 3:03pm

Emily:

Lol…small world

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October 11, 20**

10/11, 11:38am

Emily:

hows ur day going today?

10/11, 1:40pm

Me:

I just got my author page done on facebook. I learned to use picmonkey. Talked with my dad. We don’t talk too often.

How about you?

10/11, 1:40pm

Emily:

i played with pic monkey last month…fun stuff

started at my dr today…will wait for lab results

grabbed coffee and caught up with a friend and been working ever since…tough troubleshooting afternoon and prob have another 5-6hrs to go

really don’t like 10hr+ days

could use a nap

10/11, 1:42pm

Me:

What kind of work?

10/11, 1:43pm

Emily:

promise not to laugh

10/11, 1:43pm

Me:

K

10/11, 1:43pm

Emily:

program computers

i work in IT

10/11, 1:43pm

Me:

I’m impressed

10/11, 1:44pm

Emily:

i sit inside and analyze data all day…nothing too exciting

10/11, 1:44pm

Me:

Gotta get some lunch. Later …

10/11, 1:44pm

Emily:

lol…its almost dinner time here

10/11, 1:45pm

Me:

:0)

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I welcome your comments on this post. Thank you.